Coach's Report (Warning: Very long post!!)

A couple months back Cuteness and I were chatting about the fact that the two of us had not seen each other in a while and more importantly that we hadn’t had a good razzle together and in that very same conversation she promised me that one night the two of us would have the razzle of all razzles. Well sports fans, last week Thursday was nothing short of THE RAZZLE OF ALL RAZZLES and this is the eagerly awaited match postmortem from the coach……..

Key Info of the Evening:

The Players: Her Infinite Cuteness and Tit
The Coach: Myself
The Challenge: To prove that these two gorgeous ladies still had it when it came to being “poached” by opposition team members
The Venues: Restaurant in Morningside then THE MANEATER (can you hear the warning bells already?)

Pre Match Summary:
· Coach arrived first to be met a “little” later by the players in their fantastic uniforms – 1 x little black number for Cuteness and 1x Low Cut/Low Back White Top and Jeans for Tit. Let me tell you sports fans these 2 ladies were dressed to kill
· 1 x bottle of delectable Vergelen Sauvignon Blanc
· Great conversation, slight bitch session (we are girls at the end of the day)
· Fabulous sushi plus another bottle of delectable Vergelen Sauvignon Blanc
· 2 x Jager Bombs for Tit and myself (Cuteness lost a bet)
· More great conversation, this time however more naughty discussion topics and loads of laughing, generally revolving around the opposition players
· 1 x bottle of delectable Vergelen Sauvignon Blanc
· Talks of going to the Maneater as opposed to “quieter” bar like News Café, slight apprehension as it is student night after all
· 3 x Jager Bombs followed by unanimous decision to in fact go to the Maneater (we can brave the student sides fielded for the evening)
· Cuteness leaves to go powder her nose
· Random Martin from table next to ours joins Tit and I
· Half an hour later, Cuteness still AWOL, Tit discovers her at a random couples table discussing political correctness, yes political correctness WTF????
· Cuteness rejoins us and proceeds to invite Random Martin (who is 40+ and does not drink) to Maneater on Students Night. Martin respectfully declines which results in Cuteness eloquently calling the man a kitty cat
· Three of us leave in a hurry
· R850 later

The Game:

Arrive at maneater round midnight ish (I think). Cuteness decides to draw R1000 off credit card. ATM eats credit card. Panic ensues from Cuteness. Tit and I are at this stage too busy sniggering at the fact that we have discovered in the light of the ATM that Cuteness’ dress was in fact completely see-through at the back showing her black G-String. Decide that she would be horrified so will tell her in the morning, realize at the same time we are in fact bad friends. Cuteness now in complete state of hysteria decides to look in the 2 slip bins next to the ATM in case card is in there, throwing the slips around like confetti. Whilst doing this she notices a cute foreign boy standing at the ATM next to her. Panic diverted and she is back in the game. Proceeds to tell foreigner that he is very cute in front of his very buff rugby player looking girlfriend. Unimpressed look in our direction. Remove Cuteness and head to their playing field. Cuteness then realizes that credit card is in fact swallowed by ATM and panics again. Due to certain politics and potential loss of friendship with Cuteness I will omit certain details of this panic attack, but will just say that she was highly concerned that all her dad’s hard earned money was now not safe due to credit card disappearing. Calm her down. Debate at this point whether to direct panic to the see-through dress but decide that the panic would be far worse in this case.

Walk to the main bar, 3 x Jager Bombs, realize that they were in fact going down like mommy’s panties on Father’s Day. Do a brief scope of the playing field, decide that the opposition players are not of great caliber. Panic ensues on my behalf realizing that my challenge may have back fired! Go to the top bar. 3 x Jager Bombs, lose Cuteness, so 2 x Tequila for Tit and I, didn’t go down quite as smooth. Notice Cuteness on other side of bar being absolutely ravaged by a random player. Coach 1 Players 0. Think I should rule it as a foul when he straddled her but at this stage the alcohol had started to take effect. Proceed to remove Cuteness from clutches of random player and go to the ladies. Way too much alcohol for Cuteness and Tit and I witness her dinner again in chewed form. But this player is unstoppable, go to the dance floor. Coach clearly had also had way too much to drink at this point and exhibited a type of dance style that could only emulate Johnny Clegg doing Impi. At this point my sincerest apologies to Tit for “stomping” on her toe, splitting her nail in half, causing her to bleed all over her new yellow shoes. That she bought that day. Still don’t think it was me!

Decide to leave the Maneater, get into our 2 separate cars. Tit and Cuteness going to Tit’s house 5 mins away, myself driving home 20 mins away (not my finest moment). Start driving out, see Tit being pulled over by one of Johannesburg’s finest Metropolitan Police Officers. Hit reverse and phone Tit to say I am coming home with her.

Now sports fans just when you thought the story was over, think again. Get into Tit’s car. Turn left onto Witkoppen (stupid route in hindsight) and are faced with another one of Johannesburg’s finest Metropolitan Police Officers shining the torch for Tit to pull over.
P A N I C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tit: Good evening officer
Pig: Good evening miss, please will you blow into this breathalyzer for me?
Tit: P A N I C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blows badly, no reading.
Pig: Blow again properly!!!!
Tit: But officer I am, I just have asthma (yeah right???)
Coach at this point decides that she would like to view her dinner again out the door IN FRONT OF THE OFFICER (once again not my finest moment)
Cuteness at this point decides to raise her hand like little Johnny in class and say “OOOHH breathalyse me breathalyse me please ossifer”
Tit: Blows again
Reading: 1.65 (WTF??????? SHE WOULD BE DEAD if that were true)
Pig: I am going to have to arrest you
Tit: Please look at my friends and tell me that one of them should be driving
Pig: Best I can do is take you to the station and make you pay an admission of guilt fine
Tit: How much will that cost?
Pig: Well how much is in your wallet?
BINGO!!!!!!!!! 350 South African Rondts later and we were on our way again

Straight to Tit’s bed for me where they cover me up and go sleep in the spare room next door.

Get woken up the next morning by Tit and Bail and I am on the floor. How the hell I got there with my head on her teddy as a pillow and wrapped in the duvet, heaven only knows?!?!?!?!

Tit and I fake food poisoning and the 3 of us spend the day reminiscing about this debaucherous evening and start the beginning of the biggest LCs of our lives! Still have one a week later, hence the apprehension of writing this novel and reliving it!

Post Match Summary:

Sushi and 3 bottles of delectable Vergelen Sauvignon Blanc R850
Maneater R500
Bribing one of Johannesburg’s finest Metropolitan Police Officers R350
Watching your friends throw their names around in see-through dresses and broken toe nails followed by throwing up in front of a cop, misplacing a pair of shoes, leaving a car at the Maneater, losing a credit card, waking up on the floor and phoning in “sick” PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a PMS/CBS/LC free day now

Sweet Pea

P.S. Never drinking and driving EVER again!!!!!