We all know joke about the principle who tells his mother he doesn't want to go to school and she says you have to dear etc. So recently the scenario in the Cuteness Household was this....
My brother introduced my moms to this online game and she has been playing it like it provides her with oxygen, as does my brother mind you. The other night she played until 3am (at some point in the evening The Don came through to "ask" her if she new what time it was and she told him to pretend he didn't know).
Now she is doesn't quite know much of the ins and outs of the game just yet and so runs around in the online gaming universe as the dumb blonde. Luckily some people think that it is pretty cool that a mom is playing this game (seen as the age of the players starts at about 10) and that her children are teaching her to play, so people are more than willing to help her out. The other night she played with a fellow South African, a rare thing, and they played until about 12pm. At which point my mom decided it was bedtime.
Mamma Cuteness: F**K its late (yes just like that, i learnt to swear from
my mother, as did my father actually).
I have to go to bed, have school in the morning.
Fellow SA Player: Oh Ok, what grade are you in?
Mamma Cuteness: Well actually I'm the Vice Principle
Fellow SA Player: You are the coolest lady....
Another insight into the woman that is my mother. She swore at her matrics AGAIN this week. No wonder they love her?! However I am not, my parents decided recently that perhaps doing some speed dating or the that type of vibe is a good idea for me! REALLY NOW?!?! Come on parents, please relax. I am no old maid or some baron 45 year old (altho barely coping with the 25 milestone!) Sigh... Exams have been a good distraction for them tho, (?) wrote my first one yesterday and my mother cried the entire day because of it, for reasons I am not going to explain, the people that read this know why anyway :)
Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx
Thursday, October 11
Tuesday, October 2
Types of Girlfriends.
I started out writing about types of women, but soon realized that in actual fact I was referring to women and their behaviour in relationships. Now having a brother who has dated roughly 76% of Jhb and seeing a fair amount of males in relationships I have come to observe various behaviours of this strange specimen, A woman in a relationship.
Type A. The Strap-on.
She is better than you at everything. She can outrun, out swim, out drink, beat you at mortal combat, poker, darts and pool. She can burp louder than you and when you wrestle, it is never a given who is going to win. You are not sure if she is your girlfriend or the greatest guy-friend you have ever had.
Type B. Glad-Wrap.
If you were food, honey you would be fresh for years. Really, why bother wearing clothes when you can just slap on some cologne and your girlfriend. When out and about, there is no question about your relationship status or who you are involved with. When trying to have a conversation, having a mouthful of teeth is hardly your problem, it is that you have an extra tongue perpetually stuck down your throat that is making talking difficult.
Type C. The squealer.
This is the girl that squeals with delight every time she sees you. It is so high-pitched that only dogs can hear it. She tells you she misses you after you have gone to pee or buy a drink, a mere absence of a few minutes. In fact when you return, she has turned blue, because as her left lung, leaving her, you have only left her with 50% of her breathing (and thinking) capacity. She calls you sugar-lips, Tea-tree, pumpkin, my baaaaaabbby at the end and beginning of every sentence and when introducing you, does so only as “my Boyfriend” because before you were her boyfriend, you were nothing else, you didn’t even have a name. Her future plans are to have 8 of your babies, all called Boyfriend JR, and bring you your slippers and pipe after cooking you a 3 course meal. Baby speak is a given.
Type D. The Mother. (Read Nazi)
She dresses you, orders your food, chooses your hairstyle, tells you when to stop drinking, when to be home, where to go, where NOT to go, who to go out with, who your friends are, what to say, think, feel and earn. She tells you what car to buy because after all, it has to be what she likes. Sex is purely for her enjoyment, and to quote an old airline add, “She only wants to hear one click.” She disciplines with a simple look that when you were little, was accompanied by the words (said by your actual mother) “I’m going to count to 3.” With her, spankings are not kinky, they are terrifying!
Type E. The oil-painting.
This girl wears so much makeup you are unable to tell what her real eye colour is. She has to sit still as movement will cause her to crack. Her eyes are never fully open as the amount of makeup on them has made them too heavy, that it is physically impossible for her to open them properly. You are not allowed to kiss her as you may mess up her caked on lip-gloss or lipstick (if you actually want to). In fact if you are sitting on the opposite side of The Hat to her, her lips are still in reach, she is wearing that much makeup! Instead of makeup remover, she uses thinners and a chisel.
Type F. High Maintenance.
Now this is a tough one, because most men believe women are high maintenance. This is the woman who spends 4 hours in the bathroom and emerges looking exactly the same. She bitches about the food, wine and company at every opportunity and if she it out partying, she wants to be home chilling and vice versa. She is the girl who responds fine, when you know it isn’t and says things like “if you don’t know what is wrong then I just can’t help you.” She has huge double standards so don’t even expect fairness, what a ridiculous concept and how silly of you to think there would be such a thing! She will ignore you for 2 weeks as a form of punishment. (Without realizing that she is doing you a favour because god knows you love the peace.) She says one thing but expects the opposite. And god help you if you can’t mind-read! You will cancel golf because she said so, but at your would-be tee-off time is her hair and nail appointment. For her birthday, the lovely and pricey bracelet is great but the picnic under the stars in your garden is not good enough as it didn’t cost R2000 and was not in the Westcliff gardens with a string quartet playing in the background. She will scream at you for 2 hours because you didn’t remember the anniversary of the first time you saw each other briefly on the dance floor at a school social before being introduced for the first time, properly, 6 years later.
Tell me boys, loving your girlfriends right now aren’t you?!
Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx
Type A. The Strap-on.
She is better than you at everything. She can outrun, out swim, out drink, beat you at mortal combat, poker, darts and pool. She can burp louder than you and when you wrestle, it is never a given who is going to win. You are not sure if she is your girlfriend or the greatest guy-friend you have ever had.
Type B. Glad-Wrap.
If you were food, honey you would be fresh for years. Really, why bother wearing clothes when you can just slap on some cologne and your girlfriend. When out and about, there is no question about your relationship status or who you are involved with. When trying to have a conversation, having a mouthful of teeth is hardly your problem, it is that you have an extra tongue perpetually stuck down your throat that is making talking difficult.
Type C. The squealer.
This is the girl that squeals with delight every time she sees you. It is so high-pitched that only dogs can hear it. She tells you she misses you after you have gone to pee or buy a drink, a mere absence of a few minutes. In fact when you return, she has turned blue, because as her left lung, leaving her, you have only left her with 50% of her breathing (and thinking) capacity. She calls you sugar-lips, Tea-tree, pumpkin, my baaaaaabbby at the end and beginning of every sentence and when introducing you, does so only as “my Boyfriend” because before you were her boyfriend, you were nothing else, you didn’t even have a name. Her future plans are to have 8 of your babies, all called Boyfriend JR, and bring you your slippers and pipe after cooking you a 3 course meal. Baby speak is a given.
Type D. The Mother. (Read Nazi)
She dresses you, orders your food, chooses your hairstyle, tells you when to stop drinking, when to be home, where to go, where NOT to go, who to go out with, who your friends are, what to say, think, feel and earn. She tells you what car to buy because after all, it has to be what she likes. Sex is purely for her enjoyment, and to quote an old airline add, “She only wants to hear one click.” She disciplines with a simple look that when you were little, was accompanied by the words (said by your actual mother) “I’m going to count to 3.” With her, spankings are not kinky, they are terrifying!
Type E. The oil-painting.
This girl wears so much makeup you are unable to tell what her real eye colour is. She has to sit still as movement will cause her to crack. Her eyes are never fully open as the amount of makeup on them has made them too heavy, that it is physically impossible for her to open them properly. You are not allowed to kiss her as you may mess up her caked on lip-gloss or lipstick (if you actually want to). In fact if you are sitting on the opposite side of The Hat to her, her lips are still in reach, she is wearing that much makeup! Instead of makeup remover, she uses thinners and a chisel.
Type F. High Maintenance.
Now this is a tough one, because most men believe women are high maintenance. This is the woman who spends 4 hours in the bathroom and emerges looking exactly the same. She bitches about the food, wine and company at every opportunity and if she it out partying, she wants to be home chilling and vice versa. She is the girl who responds fine, when you know it isn’t and says things like “if you don’t know what is wrong then I just can’t help you.” She has huge double standards so don’t even expect fairness, what a ridiculous concept and how silly of you to think there would be such a thing! She will ignore you for 2 weeks as a form of punishment. (Without realizing that she is doing you a favour because god knows you love the peace.) She says one thing but expects the opposite. And god help you if you can’t mind-read! You will cancel golf because she said so, but at your would-be tee-off time is her hair and nail appointment. For her birthday, the lovely and pricey bracelet is great but the picnic under the stars in your garden is not good enough as it didn’t cost R2000 and was not in the Westcliff gardens with a string quartet playing in the background. She will scream at you for 2 hours because you didn’t remember the anniversary of the first time you saw each other briefly on the dance floor at a school social before being introduced for the first time, properly, 6 years later.
Tell me boys, loving your girlfriends right now aren’t you?!
Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx
Thursday, September 13
Top 10 places to meet women.
A mate of mine, we will call him Flintstones Pet (or FP) wrote an interesting and rather good article on this subject a while back. (http://www.wibble.co.za/blog/top-10-places-meet-women) Of course, knowing me, I have an answer for everything and well while some of his ideas are not too bad I thought I would add a female answer.
- At a Wedding. Yes women are emotional and tend to be loved up. But there can be a range of emotions flying here. That bitch knew I wanted to use this as my first song and that was my idea!!! That’s what I wanted my dress to look like! She said I would be a bridesmaid! Yes women discuss their weddings at length and so they will be looking for any idea stealing. There also may be some, I cant believe she is marrying THAT man and look who she invited?! Or Oh MY GOD can you see who Cindy brought or how fat Natasha is? And once we are then above all the tacky school-girl behaviour and enter the loved-up stage and get swept up in the moment, I hate to say it boys, but Vince and brother Wilson destroyed any illusion women have about men at weddings I’m afraid.
- On a Flight. Yes 12 long hours seems far more appealing when you not sitting next to the big fat guy who spills into your seat, spitting his complimentary nuts at you while he talks about his failed marriage and his battle with body odour. But in reality people have more chance of getting killed by a falling coconut in Norway than sitting next to a good-looking single male on a flight. They are either going on a trip with a girlfriend, to see a girlfriend or are in business class. And another fantasy ruined by a movie, we have all seen Bridget Jones Diary. And there is very little glamorous about flying, your head rolling everywhere while you battle to sleep, pudding spilled all over your top. There is only one way to travel, in business class, asleep, after a very strong sleeping tablet.
- In the Shopping Isles. Yes women love it when they are shopping for food, a few binge items and a man comes up to them to chat or ask for “advice” and their ‘womanly items’ are sitting on top of the cart. In fact, I think the men would like it less! I think men will learn to read labels very quickly.
- At the races. This is not a bad place in all fairness but unless you look like Ryk Neethling, have the charm of 4000 men or are willing to wait for the 4-in-the-morning-I-havent-found-a-man-desparation, it’s very unlikely.
- At a wine tasting club. Also not bad. All I have to say is Red wine teeth and lips.
- At the airport. Interesting place. An interesting place to just piss off a woman with a lot of luggage to hit you with.
- At a club. Yes, please please can the guy with sambucca all down his top, who smells of sweat and cannot talk a language known to man come and grope at me! And generally, being older than 12, we only get there after 11ish so being called a swamp lady is a sure way into my pants! (refer to circling vultures)
- At Gym. Some women go to gym to actually EXERCISE. Another place to piss off women where they have lots of weights to throw at you. Look for the women wearing lots of makeup, g-string leotards and blow-dried hair. They are usually too nipped and tucked, but hey, if you like that type of thing….
- At volunteer activities. Funnily women are there to actually volunteer. They will not notice you unless you are Brad Pitt. Also sooooo obvious. Some women are that stupid, but they will be in the gym in a g-string leotard.
- Aerobics class. Alright, either gay gay gay gay gay or tooooo obvious. So obvious you might as well take a women’s studies class at university.
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Monday, August 6
Bitch slap….
Last night I was chatting to mate of mine and we got talking about slapping people in the face. He said he would hate to be on the receiving end of one of my slaps seen as I punch like a man (thanks Beers). It is a hug insulting thing to do to someone and is as low as going for a man’s crown jewels. This got me thinking to the last time I actually slapped someone.
My oldest friend in the world, we will call her Candy, because she is really really phenomenal eye-candy, and I used to fight so badly they wouldn’t have put us on Jerry Springer. (Bear in mind we lived in Boksburg back then) We hit each other with belts, wet towels, basically anything that would cause a welt and sting. We regularly slapped each other so hard the hand prints remained for hours. Many times our parents would come home and we would have bright red faces from slapping each other so hard. I pushed her into a cupboard once, she pushed me to the ground. I slammed the door in her face so hard, paint came off. This was all before we were 12, before we had grown up a bit. Now we don’t fight at all but we always marvel at how we used to lay into each other. People who hear these stories and know me well cannot believe it, I guess once I left the Burg I didn’t need my fighting skills anymore.
There was one occasion when we were very proud of our slapping abilities, this time someone else was on the receiving end and had to face the wrath of both of us. Candy has a little sister and when we were in STD 5 she was in grade 2. Was an incredibly cute kid and Candy and I used to give her a pretty hard time, but we were also very nice older sisters. A few of us, when we were in STD 5, were in a war with the girls in the year below us. I believe it was over sitting rights of a particular bench. So one of their boyfriends and his mate who was our age came to the school one day after a particularly intense fight, and stumbled across Candy’s little sissy. They pushed her to the ground and called her some mean names. This was all kinds of unacceptable. Candy and I gave those boys a nice red face and ear they will never forget. (After a good talking to first of course). In the mean time the rest of our mates were taking down the girls in the lower year.
People laugh when I say be careful I’m from the Burg, they look at me and say, yeah you really rough cuteness…
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
My oldest friend in the world, we will call her Candy, because she is really really phenomenal eye-candy, and I used to fight so badly they wouldn’t have put us on Jerry Springer. (Bear in mind we lived in Boksburg back then) We hit each other with belts, wet towels, basically anything that would cause a welt and sting. We regularly slapped each other so hard the hand prints remained for hours. Many times our parents would come home and we would have bright red faces from slapping each other so hard. I pushed her into a cupboard once, she pushed me to the ground. I slammed the door in her face so hard, paint came off. This was all before we were 12, before we had grown up a bit. Now we don’t fight at all but we always marvel at how we used to lay into each other. People who hear these stories and know me well cannot believe it, I guess once I left the Burg I didn’t need my fighting skills anymore.
There was one occasion when we were very proud of our slapping abilities, this time someone else was on the receiving end and had to face the wrath of both of us. Candy has a little sister and when we were in STD 5 she was in grade 2. Was an incredibly cute kid and Candy and I used to give her a pretty hard time, but we were also very nice older sisters. A few of us, when we were in STD 5, were in a war with the girls in the year below us. I believe it was over sitting rights of a particular bench. So one of their boyfriends and his mate who was our age came to the school one day after a particularly intense fight, and stumbled across Candy’s little sissy. They pushed her to the ground and called her some mean names. This was all kinds of unacceptable. Candy and I gave those boys a nice red face and ear they will never forget. (After a good talking to first of course). In the mean time the rest of our mates were taking down the girls in the lower year.
People laugh when I say be careful I’m from the Burg, they look at me and say, yeah you really rough cuteness…
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
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