Types of Girlfriends.

I started out writing about types of women, but soon realized that in actual fact I was referring to women and their behaviour in relationships. Now having a brother who has dated roughly 76% of Jhb and seeing a fair amount of males in relationships I have come to observe various behaviours of this strange specimen, A woman in a relationship.

Type A. The Strap-on.
She is better than you at everything. She can outrun, out swim, out drink, beat you at mortal combat, poker, darts and pool. She can burp louder than you and when you wrestle, it is never a given who is going to win. You are not sure if she is your girlfriend or the greatest guy-friend you have ever had.

Type B. Glad-Wrap.
If you were food, honey you would be fresh for years. Really, why bother wearing clothes when you can just slap on some cologne and your girlfriend. When out and about, there is no question about your relationship status or who you are involved with. When trying to have a conversation, having a mouthful of teeth is hardly your problem, it is that you have an extra tongue perpetually stuck down your throat that is making talking difficult.

Type C. The squealer.
This is the girl that squeals with delight every time she sees you. It is so high-pitched that only dogs can hear it. She tells you she misses you after you have gone to pee or buy a drink, a mere absence of a few minutes. In fact when you return, she has turned blue, because as her left lung, leaving her, you have only left her with 50% of her breathing (and thinking) capacity. She calls you sugar-lips, Tea-tree, pumpkin, my baaaaaabbby at the end and beginning of every sentence and when introducing you, does so only as “my Boyfriend” because before you were her boyfriend, you were nothing else, you didn’t even have a name. Her future plans are to have 8 of your babies, all called Boyfriend JR, and bring you your slippers and pipe after cooking you a 3 course meal. Baby speak is a given.

Type D. The Mother. (Read Nazi)
She dresses you, orders your food, chooses your hairstyle, tells you when to stop drinking, when to be home, where to go, where NOT to go, who to go out with, who your friends are, what to say, think, feel and earn. She tells you what car to buy because after all, it has to be what she likes. Sex is purely for her enjoyment, and to quote an old airline add, “She only wants to hear one click.” She disciplines with a simple look that when you were little, was accompanied by the words (said by your actual mother) “I’m going to count to 3.” With her, spankings are not kinky, they are terrifying!

Type E. The oil-painting.
This girl wears so much makeup you are unable to tell what her real eye colour is. She has to sit still as movement will cause her to crack. Her eyes are never fully open as the amount of makeup on them has made them too heavy, that it is physically impossible for her to open them properly. You are not allowed to kiss her as you may mess up her caked on lip-gloss or lipstick (if you actually want to). In fact if you are sitting on the opposite side of The Hat to her, her lips are still in reach, she is wearing that much makeup! Instead of makeup remover, she uses thinners and a chisel.

Type F. High Maintenance.
Now this is a tough one, because most men believe women are high maintenance. This is the woman who spends 4 hours in the bathroom and emerges looking exactly the same. She bitches about the food, wine and company at every opportunity and if she it out partying, she wants to be home chilling and vice versa. She is the girl who responds fine, when you know it isn’t and says things like “if you don’t know what is wrong then I just can’t help you.” She has huge double standards so don’t even expect fairness, what a ridiculous concept and how silly of you to think there would be such a thing! She will ignore you for 2 weeks as a form of punishment. (Without realizing that she is doing you a favour because god knows you love the peace.) She says one thing but expects the opposite. And god help you if you can’t mind-read! You will cancel golf because she said so, but at your would-be tee-off time is her hair and nail appointment. For her birthday, the lovely and pricey bracelet is great but the picnic under the stars in your garden is not good enough as it didn’t cost R2000 and was not in the Westcliff gardens with a string quartet playing in the background. She will scream at you for 2 hours because you didn’t remember the anniversary of the first time you saw each other briefly on the dance floor at a school social before being introduced for the first time, properly, 6 years later.

Tell me boys, loving your girlfriends right now aren’t you?!

Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx