Meet the Cutenesses.

So last night we had a little family dinner at a restaurant in The View that has possibly the best seafood available! There was a purpose to this dinner……. Meeting my brother’s new girlfriend. Now generally meeting the family for the first time is a little nerve-wracking. But last night my heart went out to the poor girl! (Who shall be known as Oral-hygienist, for obvious reasons. Ok maybe OH because to write out oral hygienist over and over will probably give me carpal-tunnel.)

Now the table consisted of me (naturally), my sissy (drug dealer or DD), mamma cuteness, sister’s friend (who ironically has the same name AND profession as OH, we will call her Black-lipliner – I know AWFUL – BL), my brother’s friend Spike (his character in Egoli, at least that’s what think he is called) and Beers. The Don was absent due to a meeting at the game farm (looking back he probably would have made the evening less of a carnage!)

So now OH is minute, in fact I didn’t think they made people that size! She weighs a whole 44 kgs and is probably about 5.4 feet tall. (Bearing in mind my brother is 6.2). So naturally when they first arrived, I didn’t see her.

So this tiny thing sits down to meet the Cutenesses. Now firstly we are not small people, Mamma cuteness is by far the shortest at about 5.7. And secondly, if we differ in opinion, the WHOLE restaurant knows about it. (I actually realized last night that I am, in fact, the quieter of the lot. Um WOWEE) if we had to look at those present, BL hits on anything in pants, married or not. My sister, well, has issues that she hasn’t quite solved world peace yet and she is 35! My mother who says exactly what she is thinking, there are no flies on mamma cuteness, Spike, who behaves inappropriately, especially for a man who has known me since before I had boobs! Beers who can make a 3 word sentence a 10 word one just by adding f*ck a few times. As mamma cuteness says, Beers you can’t go around f*cking like you do all the time. (Never a truer thing said, in EVERY sense of the word) And me, the most intelligent, gorgeous and funny of the lot. (Tit the teapot joke is a winner with them!) AND then add 6 bottles of wine, 15 beers, 24 jaggers and 6 tequilas to the mix and you have a minute Afrikaans oral hygienist’s worst nightmare.

During the dinner my brother and sister only came to blows twice, my mom and brother once and the staff was harassed to the point where Beers beat the world record for harassment. My mother manage to fling a langoustine head at OH and my lemon flew into me and then into her. (Slippery little buggars) I flung a cigarette or two across the table, one landing in Spike’s drink and another in his lap. (Not lit yet thank goodness). DD took only 2 myprodol during the whole dinner (another world record) and the sexual innuendos made me blush!

OH managed very well, coping with the chaos that is the Cutenesses. As my brother so aptly said, when she was in the loo of course, FIFO (fit in or f*ck off). Rather a nice philosophy to live by. I only pity the man I take to encounter the family. Being the baby of the family (by a good 10 years) and being the first boy I bring home! Perhaps the first man they will meet will be my husband, on our wedding day!