yesterday we had the mother's day lunch but my cousin is up from England and is currently preggies. she is about 5.4 and about 5o kgs (if that) and has this huge soccer ball in front of her, it is hard to believe that she is only 6 months on with one child! she looks absolutely glorious, her cheeks have a wonderful red glow and her skin looks soft and velvety. it is really great to see my cousin so happy and content in life. she has not had an easy run of it, from childhood, and its nice to see things going smoothly.
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Monday, May 14
Thursday, May 10
Meet the Cutenesses.
So last night we had a little family dinner at a restaurant in The View that has possibly the best seafood available! There was a purpose to this dinner……. Meeting my brother’s new girlfriend. Now generally meeting the family for the first time is a little nerve-wracking. But last night my heart went out to the poor girl! (Who shall be known as Oral-hygienist, for obvious reasons. Ok maybe OH because to write out oral hygienist over and over will probably give me carpal-tunnel.)
Now the table consisted of me (naturally), my sissy (drug dealer or DD), mamma cuteness, sister’s friend (who ironically has the same name AND profession as OH, we will call her Black-lipliner – I know AWFUL – BL), my brother’s friend Spike (his character in Egoli, at least that’s what think he is called) and Beers. The Don was absent due to a meeting at the game farm (looking back he probably would have made the evening less of a carnage!)
So now OH is minute, in fact I didn’t think they made people that size! She weighs a whole 44 kgs and is probably about 5.4 feet tall. (Bearing in mind my brother is 6.2). So naturally when they first arrived, I didn’t see her.
So this tiny thing sits down to meet the Cutenesses. Now firstly we are not small people, Mamma cuteness is by far the shortest at about 5.7. And secondly, if we differ in opinion, the WHOLE restaurant knows about it. (I actually realized last night that I am, in fact, the quieter of the lot. Um WOWEE) if we had to look at those present, BL hits on anything in pants, married or not. My sister, well, has issues that she hasn’t quite solved world peace yet and she is 35! My mother who says exactly what she is thinking, there are no flies on mamma cuteness, Spike, who behaves inappropriately, especially for a man who has known me since before I had boobs! Beers who can make a 3 word sentence a 10 word one just by adding f*ck a few times. As mamma cuteness says, Beers you can’t go around f*cking like you do all the time. (Never a truer thing said, in EVERY sense of the word) And me, the most intelligent, gorgeous and funny of the lot. (Tit the teapot joke is a winner with them!) AND then add 6 bottles of wine, 15 beers, 24 jaggers and 6 tequilas to the mix and you have a minute Afrikaans oral hygienist’s worst nightmare.
During the dinner my brother and sister only came to blows twice, my mom and brother once and the staff was harassed to the point where Beers beat the world record for harassment. My mother manage to fling a langoustine head at OH and my lemon flew into me and then into her. (Slippery little buggars) I flung a cigarette or two across the table, one landing in Spike’s drink and another in his lap. (Not lit yet thank goodness). DD took only 2 myprodol during the whole dinner (another world record) and the sexual innuendos made me blush!
OH managed very well, coping with the chaos that is the Cutenesses. As my brother so aptly said, when she was in the loo of course, FIFO (fit in or f*ck off). Rather a nice philosophy to live by. I only pity the man I take to encounter the family. Being the baby of the family (by a good 10 years) and being the first boy I bring home! Perhaps the first man they will meet will be my husband, on our wedding day!
Now the table consisted of me (naturally), my sissy (drug dealer or DD), mamma cuteness, sister’s friend (who ironically has the same name AND profession as OH, we will call her Black-lipliner – I know AWFUL – BL), my brother’s friend Spike (his character in Egoli, at least that’s what think he is called) and Beers. The Don was absent due to a meeting at the game farm (looking back he probably would have made the evening less of a carnage!)
So now OH is minute, in fact I didn’t think they made people that size! She weighs a whole 44 kgs and is probably about 5.4 feet tall. (Bearing in mind my brother is 6.2). So naturally when they first arrived, I didn’t see her.
So this tiny thing sits down to meet the Cutenesses. Now firstly we are not small people, Mamma cuteness is by far the shortest at about 5.7. And secondly, if we differ in opinion, the WHOLE restaurant knows about it. (I actually realized last night that I am, in fact, the quieter of the lot. Um WOWEE) if we had to look at those present, BL hits on anything in pants, married or not. My sister, well, has issues that she hasn’t quite solved world peace yet and she is 35! My mother who says exactly what she is thinking, there are no flies on mamma cuteness, Spike, who behaves inappropriately, especially for a man who has known me since before I had boobs! Beers who can make a 3 word sentence a 10 word one just by adding f*ck a few times. As mamma cuteness says, Beers you can’t go around f*cking like you do all the time. (Never a truer thing said, in EVERY sense of the word) And me, the most intelligent, gorgeous and funny of the lot. (Tit the teapot joke is a winner with them!) AND then add 6 bottles of wine, 15 beers, 24 jaggers and 6 tequilas to the mix and you have a minute Afrikaans oral hygienist’s worst nightmare.
During the dinner my brother and sister only came to blows twice, my mom and brother once and the staff was harassed to the point where Beers beat the world record for harassment. My mother manage to fling a langoustine head at OH and my lemon flew into me and then into her. (Slippery little buggars) I flung a cigarette or two across the table, one landing in Spike’s drink and another in his lap. (Not lit yet thank goodness). DD took only 2 myprodol during the whole dinner (another world record) and the sexual innuendos made me blush!
OH managed very well, coping with the chaos that is the Cutenesses. As my brother so aptly said, when she was in the loo of course, FIFO (fit in or f*ck off). Rather a nice philosophy to live by. I only pity the man I take to encounter the family. Being the baby of the family (by a good 10 years) and being the first boy I bring home! Perhaps the first man they will meet will be my husband, on our wedding day!
Tuesday, May 8
Another Day in Paradise.
I am aware that my upbringing and lifestyle was hugely protected, leaving me, to this day, fairly naïve. I am by no means uninformed or ignorant rather unexposed. Recently on an early morning visit to Monte Casino, I was astounded at how depraved people really are.
I am fully aware of this depravity but witnessing it is something completely different. Upon arrival Delicious and I saw this minute boy, who couldn’t have been more than 5 years old. In his one hand he held a teddy-bear bag job and in the other he clutched the behemoth of a security guard’s hand. Hiding behind the security guards leg, while witnesses some form of scuffle, the little boy didn’t look frightened or confused, probably because this scene was all too familiar to him. His platinum blonde hair was short and had an Alfalfa bit sticking up on the crown of his head. His blue eyes were red and it looked as though someone had taken red lipstick and circled his eyes. I looked at him and asked if he was tired, to which he vehemently shook his head. I heard Delicious’s heart break as she heard mine. He was trying to show that he was in fact a big boy and why would a big boy be tired at 3 in the morning? We were ushered away from the little boy and his behemoth baby sitter. Once inside I dashed off to buy the child a choc and one for the security guard because his supervision of the little boy was too precious. Like the chocolate was going to make up for his parent’s neglect. Like the chocolate was going to get him into his bed at a decent hour. Like the chocolate was going to show his mother that her neglect of him could have her arrested. This wasn’t a child who was tired of shopping and needed a treat to keep him happy for a little longer.
On the way back to my friends a woman asked if he was my son, to which I replied no, naturally, I wouldn’t neglect my child in such a disgusting manner. To which she replied, it is tragic, some people are awful, you have such a good heart, and can I have R10?
Upon our reunion, Delicious and I went off to buy everyone a drink. The 2 of us walked through the casino to the bar and were both feeling pretty disillusioned with mankind. While waiting for service, a man came up to us, he had a car guard look about him really, and told us that people were judging him (no?!) and he is not scum simply because he was talking to that whore over there. That whore over there must have been the inspiration for the corpse bride. Her gaunt face only highlighted her blood-shot eyes and this in turn highlighted her black-rimmed teeth. She quickly informed us that she was not a whore and was just here to have fun, she enjoyed chatting to men. We said nothing. She said that she was not with that man, who was now being escorted away from us and shouting I want to know what she is saying about me. He was her stalker of sorts, she believed, and would we help her out if he bothered her again. Again we said nothing. She then started stroking my hair telling me how much she loved it. I quickly assured her we would help her out if it was needed and Delicious and I dashed off with the drinks in hand.
I have never been so happy to see a group of familiar and friendly male faces!
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
I am fully aware of this depravity but witnessing it is something completely different. Upon arrival Delicious and I saw this minute boy, who couldn’t have been more than 5 years old. In his one hand he held a teddy-bear bag job and in the other he clutched the behemoth of a security guard’s hand. Hiding behind the security guards leg, while witnesses some form of scuffle, the little boy didn’t look frightened or confused, probably because this scene was all too familiar to him. His platinum blonde hair was short and had an Alfalfa bit sticking up on the crown of his head. His blue eyes were red and it looked as though someone had taken red lipstick and circled his eyes. I looked at him and asked if he was tired, to which he vehemently shook his head. I heard Delicious’s heart break as she heard mine. He was trying to show that he was in fact a big boy and why would a big boy be tired at 3 in the morning? We were ushered away from the little boy and his behemoth baby sitter. Once inside I dashed off to buy the child a choc and one for the security guard because his supervision of the little boy was too precious. Like the chocolate was going to make up for his parent’s neglect. Like the chocolate was going to get him into his bed at a decent hour. Like the chocolate was going to show his mother that her neglect of him could have her arrested. This wasn’t a child who was tired of shopping and needed a treat to keep him happy for a little longer.
On the way back to my friends a woman asked if he was my son, to which I replied no, naturally, I wouldn’t neglect my child in such a disgusting manner. To which she replied, it is tragic, some people are awful, you have such a good heart, and can I have R10?
Upon our reunion, Delicious and I went off to buy everyone a drink. The 2 of us walked through the casino to the bar and were both feeling pretty disillusioned with mankind. While waiting for service, a man came up to us, he had a car guard look about him really, and told us that people were judging him (no?!) and he is not scum simply because he was talking to that whore over there. That whore over there must have been the inspiration for the corpse bride. Her gaunt face only highlighted her blood-shot eyes and this in turn highlighted her black-rimmed teeth. She quickly informed us that she was not a whore and was just here to have fun, she enjoyed chatting to men. We said nothing. She said that she was not with that man, who was now being escorted away from us and shouting I want to know what she is saying about me. He was her stalker of sorts, she believed, and would we help her out if he bothered her again. Again we said nothing. She then started stroking my hair telling me how much she loved it. I quickly assured her we would help her out if it was needed and Delicious and I dashed off with the drinks in hand.
I have never been so happy to see a group of familiar and friendly male faces!
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Thursday, May 3
Dear…..
Cricket Commentators
I realize this letter comes at rather a late stage but I was plummeted into darkness for a few days. Don’t worry, Alec Erwin is receiving his letter soon.
I have a simple question, do you realize how incredibly stupid and irritating you are. I realize that it isn’t the easiest task but as people you have mostly played the game, you would think you would have a few more intelligent things to share with the viewing public. As a female who has watched cricket for many years I have a few pointers that I feel could work to your benefit!
- We do not care that you scored your first first-class century against Abubu in 1910, if we did, we would watch THAT game.
- If you say the ball was just to the left of the wicket, it goes without saying that it if was slightly more to the left it would have hit the wickets. I mean, if the wickets were the size of trees they would be easier to hit. While this may seem unrelated, both comments are equally stupid.
- By saying that Graeme Smith needs a wicket to stay in the game and ensure victory, this is again stating the obvious. Do you think the viewers for one second that the viewers think he needs a try and a conversion to win?
- Saying things like Kallis’s bowling was affected by a back injury and Mahindra bowls from the side because he learnt to play cricket on the beach and this is how the ball bounces on water are of more value than your Abubu century.
- When the cricketers swear and throw things out at each other, we WANT to know what they say so tell us. Saying Andre Nel couldn’t resist saying something to Pieterson is NOT sufficient, we want to know what!?
- Explaining the reasons for various field placements is also acceptable.
I have just touched the surface here but will continue to find ways for you to improve your skills, you really do not want to be the has-beens who can only find an intelligent thought by looking in between their toes.
I shall be in touch soon,
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
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