Chapter 3.
Thought Processes. (Or lack thereof)
My sister went into a loo cubicle to have a quick pee. When she was done she couldn’t open the door. After kicking, bumping the door she eventually jumped off the toilet at the door, severely injuring her shoulder. Still the door did not open. So she climbed into the next-door cubicle only to see that doors infact opened inward. She then proceeded to climb back into her original cubicle opened the door the right way and walked out of the bathroom (this happened just prior to her getting stuck in the ditch).
Cuteness.
In drunken states I have walked into a garage door, fallen over a fire place, fallen down the stairs at Manhattan (getting carpet burn on my arm), fallen off a stool while sitting stool (on many occasion, and not only while drunk), danced on the stage at Kilimanjaro on my OWN in a playboy bunny outfit and danced on many a table.
A couple of weeks ago, I was dropped off at home. My original lift had my house keys and after hiding from the person who dropped me off (so it would seem I had got inside and they would go away!!) I decided to climb the back gate, in knee high pointy stiletto boots. Near the top of the gate I decided this was pointless as I would have to wake my mother up let me in either way and going through the front door would be so much easier. Instead of gently climbing down to the ground, I just let go of the gate, half expecting myself to be just standing at the end of the driveway. Instead I found myself lying on the ground, grazed, bruised and slightly winded. Most of the evening is a complete blank for me but I remember my gate climbing attempt. Apparently after this I phoned my mother to let me in. she opened the front door to find her youngest child on her knees on the front door step, her arms stretched above her, hanging onto the gate, unconscious. Once she had let me in, I went through to the kitchen to make tea but she told me the next morning she didn’t know if there was any left because she had found tea messed on the floor from one end of the house to the other. She calls that night simply “Cuteness’s Bender”
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Thursday, May 31
Monday, May 28
Experience cont..
Chapter 2
When not to relieve your body of all alcoholic toxins.
A mother entrusted her 14 year old daughter in the hands of her two older and responsible sons to take her out and enjoy an evening of responsible partying. Now what mother wouldn’t be able to trust that 2 strapping young men would not look after their little and innocent little sister, protecting her from the evils that awaited her in the form of the Neptune Festival. Well it seems this mother had made a slight error in judgment. Upon their (very very late) return home, to a very angry mum waiting at the front door (then you know it’s bad!) the sweet innocent (hugely intoxicated) 14 year old girl greeted her mom with a bright “hi mom” and then her body proceeded to rid itself of its toxins in the pot-plant next to the front door.
A few of us decided to have a girl’s dinner one night and we ended up at The Hat. It turned out to be a particularly large one I must say! On our way home a cop pulled us over to check intoxication levels at which point my mate’s body (in the passenger seat) decided it was time to rid itself of its toxins. She opened the car door and continued to do so for a bit. The cop paused for a bit rather taken aback by this situation. (Specially because I was sitting in the back chanting “breathalyze me! Breathalyze me!”)
After a matric dance after party a friend and I were sitting in her dad’s car as we drove home at roughly 7am. It had obviously been a looooooong night and at EVERY robot she opened her car door to allow her body to rid itself of the toxins that had made their way around her blood stream the entire night. Quite drive home.
End of Chapter 2
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
When not to relieve your body of all alcoholic toxins.
A mother entrusted her 14 year old daughter in the hands of her two older and responsible sons to take her out and enjoy an evening of responsible partying. Now what mother wouldn’t be able to trust that 2 strapping young men would not look after their little and innocent little sister, protecting her from the evils that awaited her in the form of the Neptune Festival. Well it seems this mother had made a slight error in judgment. Upon their (very very late) return home, to a very angry mum waiting at the front door (then you know it’s bad!) the sweet innocent (hugely intoxicated) 14 year old girl greeted her mom with a bright “hi mom” and then her body proceeded to rid itself of its toxins in the pot-plant next to the front door.
A few of us decided to have a girl’s dinner one night and we ended up at The Hat. It turned out to be a particularly large one I must say! On our way home a cop pulled us over to check intoxication levels at which point my mate’s body (in the passenger seat) decided it was time to rid itself of its toxins. She opened the car door and continued to do so for a bit. The cop paused for a bit rather taken aback by this situation. (Specially because I was sitting in the back chanting “breathalyze me! Breathalyze me!”)
After a matric dance after party a friend and I were sitting in her dad’s car as we drove home at roughly 7am. It had obviously been a looooooong night and at EVERY robot she opened her car door to allow her body to rid itself of the toxins that had made their way around her blood stream the entire night. Quite drive home.
End of Chapter 2
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Thursday, May 24
Experience.
Chapter 1
Every person has at least 3 hugely tacky drunken moments in their lives. Recently chatting to friends and family I realized I could write a book of various drunken LCs that could cure and perhaps enhance others battling the morning after. Here are a few for the hall of fame. (Names have been excluded for self preservation purposes – except for family, they stuck with me no matter what).
Weird Sleeping places…
One friend found herself sleeping on her flat balcony after not having house keys, being unable to wake flat mate by hitting on her window with a broom and climbing over 3 other balconies, 3 times trying to see if their keys fitted her balcony door. Did I mention it was raining? She did however manage to sleep out there till 11 till her mates woke her because she was getting too sunburnt.
Another mate, one who is decidedly tall, got out of his bed, and climbed into the bath to sleep away the rest of the night. I must say, when I discovered him on my way to pee he looked hugely comfortable but I couldn’t understand why he had left a warm bed and gorgeous girlfriend for a bath?! Even if, by some small chance, she had kicked out of the b, there were 2 lovely soft couches on which he could lay his head. We still to this day do not know why he chose the welcoming walls of the bath to rest.
One night my brother decided it was far too much effort to unlock his flat door that was right by the gate he had just come in through. So he walked around to the front garden and chose to sleep in my Wendy house.
My sister, on a drunken camping trip fell in a dug out ditch that was used to mark the different camping areas for different parties. After many failed attempts to get out of the ditch, she decided to just sleep there. The people who had sat and watched her try to battle her way out of the ditch for half an hour eventually rescued her.
Another mate of mine decided that he needed to sleep and wasn’t patient enough to wait for us to finish off our dancing. He vanished. On our way to the car I phoned to find out where he was situated and he told me he was at the car. What he failed to mention was that he was lying next to the car, sleeping on the tar, extremely happy. He then refused to get up because he was comfortable. But this feeling didn’t stop him from moaning that he had to lie on the tar and wait for us (men!).
End of Chapter 1.
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Every person has at least 3 hugely tacky drunken moments in their lives. Recently chatting to friends and family I realized I could write a book of various drunken LCs that could cure and perhaps enhance others battling the morning after. Here are a few for the hall of fame. (Names have been excluded for self preservation purposes – except for family, they stuck with me no matter what).
Weird Sleeping places…
One friend found herself sleeping on her flat balcony after not having house keys, being unable to wake flat mate by hitting on her window with a broom and climbing over 3 other balconies, 3 times trying to see if their keys fitted her balcony door. Did I mention it was raining? She did however manage to sleep out there till 11 till her mates woke her because she was getting too sunburnt.
Another mate, one who is decidedly tall, got out of his bed, and climbed into the bath to sleep away the rest of the night. I must say, when I discovered him on my way to pee he looked hugely comfortable but I couldn’t understand why he had left a warm bed and gorgeous girlfriend for a bath?! Even if, by some small chance, she had kicked out of the b, there were 2 lovely soft couches on which he could lay his head. We still to this day do not know why he chose the welcoming walls of the bath to rest.
One night my brother decided it was far too much effort to unlock his flat door that was right by the gate he had just come in through. So he walked around to the front garden and chose to sleep in my Wendy house.
My sister, on a drunken camping trip fell in a dug out ditch that was used to mark the different camping areas for different parties. After many failed attempts to get out of the ditch, she decided to just sleep there. The people who had sat and watched her try to battle her way out of the ditch for half an hour eventually rescued her.
Another mate of mine decided that he needed to sleep and wasn’t patient enough to wait for us to finish off our dancing. He vanished. On our way to the car I phoned to find out where he was situated and he told me he was at the car. What he failed to mention was that he was lying next to the car, sleeping on the tar, extremely happy. He then refused to get up because he was comfortable. But this feeling didn’t stop him from moaning that he had to lie on the tar and wait for us (men!).
End of Chapter 1.
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Sunday, May 20
A Book of Faces.
On many occasions View United has marveled at the addiction and wonder that is Facebook. People spend hours writing on walls, responding to endless threads and searching for long lost familiar faces. When you log onto Facebook there are a list of pokes, your friends that are thinking about you and want to say hi in a little cheeky way that can only make you smile. You can see what people have been doing, where they have been and who they have seen. You can tell by their status whether they are having a good or bad day. You can see when things have gone from being in an open relationship to its complicated to single or who is in a relationship. You can tell whether they threw some name on the weekend just by reading their friends’ teasing remarks. You can find people who read the same books, like the same music or who have studied or studying the same thing as you. Facebook is a marvelous and unbelievable way to maintain contact with your close friends on a daily basis and find people you knew in a previous life from schools or childhood. It is a hugely addictive networking tool that one is constantly surprised by who is longing in to join the Facebook phenomenon.
One thing that I love about Facebook is you get to see where people are now, who they have become. The girl who would pull your pigtails and be mean to you all through primary school is now a mature individual who is happy reconnect with an old friend, throwing out compliments and interested in what you been up to. The girl who was a “less than average” student is just about to complete her doctorate in some ridiculously hard-to-remember thing, but you know it’s hard and interesting. The girl who was going to get married at 21 and have babies by 23 to her high school boyfriend is now single (and loving it) and traveling the globe and experiencing things most people cant imagine. The school nerd is now sporting platinum blonde hair and a skelt (a skirt so short it should be worn as a belt) with a ciggy hanging from her lips, tequila in her hand and a group of men surrounding this carefree and intoxicating woman. The future CEO is now married with twins, a stay-at-home mom and as happy as anyone could ever be. The girl who was spectacular to look at, although you hardly got to see her because she was constantly surrounded by males is now a plain-Jane (peak-too-sooner) and prefers it that way. The fat-girl is looking phenomenal but remains the same sweet, funny and lovely girl she always was (fat-girl syndrome). The girl who was arrogant but completely magnetic to all those that encountered her, is now, well, just arrogant.
Your close friends seem exactly the same, looking at the changes of the other girls, they haven’t changed at all. Although you realize this is because you, as a group, have changed together.
It is always interesting to see how people are, what they are doing and who they have become after years of not seeing them. But once the reconnection has been made and this is established, you are just glad that they are well, happy (I use these words very tentatively) and that you made a connection with someone who at some stage you spent everyday of your life with, for years.
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
One thing that I love about Facebook is you get to see where people are now, who they have become. The girl who would pull your pigtails and be mean to you all through primary school is now a mature individual who is happy reconnect with an old friend, throwing out compliments and interested in what you been up to. The girl who was a “less than average” student is just about to complete her doctorate in some ridiculously hard-to-remember thing, but you know it’s hard and interesting. The girl who was going to get married at 21 and have babies by 23 to her high school boyfriend is now single (and loving it) and traveling the globe and experiencing things most people cant imagine. The school nerd is now sporting platinum blonde hair and a skelt (a skirt so short it should be worn as a belt) with a ciggy hanging from her lips, tequila in her hand and a group of men surrounding this carefree and intoxicating woman. The future CEO is now married with twins, a stay-at-home mom and as happy as anyone could ever be. The girl who was spectacular to look at, although you hardly got to see her because she was constantly surrounded by males is now a plain-Jane (peak-too-sooner) and prefers it that way. The fat-girl is looking phenomenal but remains the same sweet, funny and lovely girl she always was (fat-girl syndrome). The girl who was arrogant but completely magnetic to all those that encountered her, is now, well, just arrogant.
Your close friends seem exactly the same, looking at the changes of the other girls, they haven’t changed at all. Although you realize this is because you, as a group, have changed together.
It is always interesting to see how people are, what they are doing and who they have become after years of not seeing them. But once the reconnection has been made and this is established, you are just glad that they are well, happy (I use these words very tentatively) and that you made a connection with someone who at some stage you spent everyday of your life with, for years.
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Friday, May 18
................
In the spirit of the Super 14 and just for my good friend Tit I would just like to say one thing today:
GO THE SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 17
Cruelty
I have a confession.
I have 2 dogs. (That is not the confession) Well one cannot call them dogs, they are a step up from Chihuahuas. (That is the confession) They are Pekingese. Yes, Pekingese. As Tit so aptly puts it I would save a fortune on mops because I would just need to shove a stick up their asses and use them. And yes they do look they pummeled into a wall 700 times to create a complete lack of profile. Now we decided when we got these 2 dogs that we wanted the best, champions and we got, well, not champions. (Although we paid for champions). Firstly the one has severe sinus problems and cannot breathe problems so snorts as she breathes heavily. Her bottom jaw also juts out so badly that one could rest their cup of tea on it. The other looks like its father was a cat, her ears are too short and her tail is too long for her and both of their tongues are too long for their mouths and so are permanently sticking out, mouth closed or open, awake or asleep. They are hideous. But extremely cute and have loads of personality. They always run side by side and follow me around the house. They great everyone who walks in the door with great enthusiasm and are in constant competition for attention. If the one sits next to you, the other will sit on your lap, then the other will try to get closer. (Where I don’t know, but they try, even if it includes attempting climbing up a nostril).
They are Tweedledum and Tweedledee (not their real names).
Now they are a little like homing pigeons. They love to run off and explore (this is particularly nerve wracking on a 550 hectare game farm) but they always (ALWAYS) come home. Our complex at home is a circle and our house is in the middle. This is their racing track, where they train for the game farm. Every opportunity they get they bolt out, run around the complex, explore a little at first, then run around like one would run around a track and when they are tired come home, sit at the front door and bark so we come let them in. at first we would go after them to catch them, the one would just ignore us and the other would sprint towards us and at the last second veer to the side in an excellent dodge-a-tackle-rugby-move. They come home, its enclosed, its good exercise, most of the neighbours love them and think they are exceptionally cute and leave them to their devices, they don’t mind them, they don’t bite, bark (properly anyway) and in reality most rats are bigger than they are. Which is why today I was enraged by a certain neighbour!
The security guard passed on a message to say that if this neighbour saw them out again he would kill them. DISGUSTING. Specially considering their Maltese matted (clearly cared for) half breed come up to our gate and barks at them every opportunity it gets! It roams round the complex freely but they will kill our dogs!? I was very proud because this morning the girls got out and pooped on their driveway. (Well done girls! Unfortunately a frog's pooh is bigger than theirs). Now The Don does not care much for the girls, he doesn’t even know their names, but he was enraged and is going to deal with it (I pity the neighbour!)
Now the reason I called this post cruelty is because I have had problems with this family and dogs before. Their brat, I mean, son kicked their puppy one day cause he believed it would be funny. Well I let the little shit I mean boy have it. Another time I caught him and the other complex kids teasing my St Bernard’s (yes once I had real dogs). Now the St Bs were horses really so they were pretty brave, considering there were 2 of them. But it is very easy to tease dogs behind a gate. (That is why when I caught them teasing them I said that if I ever caught them at the gate again I would open it to even the playing field a little – a proud moment for me!). I do not understand how people can abuse their power over animals, the animal’s complete dependency on them. A dog is not a play-thing, if you are not going to love it, don’t get one. That advert years ago when the dog was put back in the present box broke many hearts, probably even the hearts of people who abuse, and continue to, abuse their animals.
Abuse of power is something I shall delve into deeper on another day.
Remain Infinitely Cute (and cruelty free)
XXX
I have 2 dogs. (That is not the confession) Well one cannot call them dogs, they are a step up from Chihuahuas. (That is the confession) They are Pekingese. Yes, Pekingese. As Tit so aptly puts it I would save a fortune on mops because I would just need to shove a stick up their asses and use them. And yes they do look they pummeled into a wall 700 times to create a complete lack of profile. Now we decided when we got these 2 dogs that we wanted the best, champions and we got, well, not champions. (Although we paid for champions). Firstly the one has severe sinus problems and cannot breathe problems so snorts as she breathes heavily. Her bottom jaw also juts out so badly that one could rest their cup of tea on it. The other looks like its father was a cat, her ears are too short and her tail is too long for her and both of their tongues are too long for their mouths and so are permanently sticking out, mouth closed or open, awake or asleep. They are hideous. But extremely cute and have loads of personality. They always run side by side and follow me around the house. They great everyone who walks in the door with great enthusiasm and are in constant competition for attention. If the one sits next to you, the other will sit on your lap, then the other will try to get closer. (Where I don’t know, but they try, even if it includes attempting climbing up a nostril).
They are Tweedledum and Tweedledee (not their real names).
Now they are a little like homing pigeons. They love to run off and explore (this is particularly nerve wracking on a 550 hectare game farm) but they always (ALWAYS) come home. Our complex at home is a circle and our house is in the middle. This is their racing track, where they train for the game farm. Every opportunity they get they bolt out, run around the complex, explore a little at first, then run around like one would run around a track and when they are tired come home, sit at the front door and bark so we come let them in. at first we would go after them to catch them, the one would just ignore us and the other would sprint towards us and at the last second veer to the side in an excellent dodge-a-tackle-rugby-move. They come home, its enclosed, its good exercise, most of the neighbours love them and think they are exceptionally cute and leave them to their devices, they don’t mind them, they don’t bite, bark (properly anyway) and in reality most rats are bigger than they are. Which is why today I was enraged by a certain neighbour!
The security guard passed on a message to say that if this neighbour saw them out again he would kill them. DISGUSTING. Specially considering their Maltese matted (clearly cared for) half breed come up to our gate and barks at them every opportunity it gets! It roams round the complex freely but they will kill our dogs!? I was very proud because this morning the girls got out and pooped on their driveway. (Well done girls! Unfortunately a frog's pooh is bigger than theirs). Now The Don does not care much for the girls, he doesn’t even know their names, but he was enraged and is going to deal with it (I pity the neighbour!)
Now the reason I called this post cruelty is because I have had problems with this family and dogs before. Their brat, I mean, son kicked their puppy one day cause he believed it would be funny. Well I let the little shit I mean boy have it. Another time I caught him and the other complex kids teasing my St Bernard’s (yes once I had real dogs). Now the St Bs were horses really so they were pretty brave, considering there were 2 of them. But it is very easy to tease dogs behind a gate. (That is why when I caught them teasing them I said that if I ever caught them at the gate again I would open it to even the playing field a little – a proud moment for me!). I do not understand how people can abuse their power over animals, the animal’s complete dependency on them. A dog is not a play-thing, if you are not going to love it, don’t get one. That advert years ago when the dog was put back in the present box broke many hearts, probably even the hearts of people who abuse, and continue to, abuse their animals.
Abuse of power is something I shall delve into deeper on another day.
Remain Infinitely Cute (and cruelty free)
XXX
Monday, May 14
a visit from the stork
yesterday we had the mother's day lunch but my cousin is up from England and is currently preggies. she is about 5.4 and about 5o kgs (if that) and has this huge soccer ball in front of her, it is hard to believe that she is only 6 months on with one child! she looks absolutely glorious, her cheeks have a wonderful red glow and her skin looks soft and velvety. it is really great to see my cousin so happy and content in life. she has not had an easy run of it, from childhood, and its nice to see things going smoothly.
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Thursday, May 10
Meet the Cutenesses.
So last night we had a little family dinner at a restaurant in The View that has possibly the best seafood available! There was a purpose to this dinner……. Meeting my brother’s new girlfriend. Now generally meeting the family for the first time is a little nerve-wracking. But last night my heart went out to the poor girl! (Who shall be known as Oral-hygienist, for obvious reasons. Ok maybe OH because to write out oral hygienist over and over will probably give me carpal-tunnel.)
Now the table consisted of me (naturally), my sissy (drug dealer or DD), mamma cuteness, sister’s friend (who ironically has the same name AND profession as OH, we will call her Black-lipliner – I know AWFUL – BL), my brother’s friend Spike (his character in Egoli, at least that’s what think he is called) and Beers. The Don was absent due to a meeting at the game farm (looking back he probably would have made the evening less of a carnage!)
So now OH is minute, in fact I didn’t think they made people that size! She weighs a whole 44 kgs and is probably about 5.4 feet tall. (Bearing in mind my brother is 6.2). So naturally when they first arrived, I didn’t see her.
So this tiny thing sits down to meet the Cutenesses. Now firstly we are not small people, Mamma cuteness is by far the shortest at about 5.7. And secondly, if we differ in opinion, the WHOLE restaurant knows about it. (I actually realized last night that I am, in fact, the quieter of the lot. Um WOWEE) if we had to look at those present, BL hits on anything in pants, married or not. My sister, well, has issues that she hasn’t quite solved world peace yet and she is 35! My mother who says exactly what she is thinking, there are no flies on mamma cuteness, Spike, who behaves inappropriately, especially for a man who has known me since before I had boobs! Beers who can make a 3 word sentence a 10 word one just by adding f*ck a few times. As mamma cuteness says, Beers you can’t go around f*cking like you do all the time. (Never a truer thing said, in EVERY sense of the word) And me, the most intelligent, gorgeous and funny of the lot. (Tit the teapot joke is a winner with them!) AND then add 6 bottles of wine, 15 beers, 24 jaggers and 6 tequilas to the mix and you have a minute Afrikaans oral hygienist’s worst nightmare.
During the dinner my brother and sister only came to blows twice, my mom and brother once and the staff was harassed to the point where Beers beat the world record for harassment. My mother manage to fling a langoustine head at OH and my lemon flew into me and then into her. (Slippery little buggars) I flung a cigarette or two across the table, one landing in Spike’s drink and another in his lap. (Not lit yet thank goodness). DD took only 2 myprodol during the whole dinner (another world record) and the sexual innuendos made me blush!
OH managed very well, coping with the chaos that is the Cutenesses. As my brother so aptly said, when she was in the loo of course, FIFO (fit in or f*ck off). Rather a nice philosophy to live by. I only pity the man I take to encounter the family. Being the baby of the family (by a good 10 years) and being the first boy I bring home! Perhaps the first man they will meet will be my husband, on our wedding day!
Now the table consisted of me (naturally), my sissy (drug dealer or DD), mamma cuteness, sister’s friend (who ironically has the same name AND profession as OH, we will call her Black-lipliner – I know AWFUL – BL), my brother’s friend Spike (his character in Egoli, at least that’s what think he is called) and Beers. The Don was absent due to a meeting at the game farm (looking back he probably would have made the evening less of a carnage!)
So now OH is minute, in fact I didn’t think they made people that size! She weighs a whole 44 kgs and is probably about 5.4 feet tall. (Bearing in mind my brother is 6.2). So naturally when they first arrived, I didn’t see her.
So this tiny thing sits down to meet the Cutenesses. Now firstly we are not small people, Mamma cuteness is by far the shortest at about 5.7. And secondly, if we differ in opinion, the WHOLE restaurant knows about it. (I actually realized last night that I am, in fact, the quieter of the lot. Um WOWEE) if we had to look at those present, BL hits on anything in pants, married or not. My sister, well, has issues that she hasn’t quite solved world peace yet and she is 35! My mother who says exactly what she is thinking, there are no flies on mamma cuteness, Spike, who behaves inappropriately, especially for a man who has known me since before I had boobs! Beers who can make a 3 word sentence a 10 word one just by adding f*ck a few times. As mamma cuteness says, Beers you can’t go around f*cking like you do all the time. (Never a truer thing said, in EVERY sense of the word) And me, the most intelligent, gorgeous and funny of the lot. (Tit the teapot joke is a winner with them!) AND then add 6 bottles of wine, 15 beers, 24 jaggers and 6 tequilas to the mix and you have a minute Afrikaans oral hygienist’s worst nightmare.
During the dinner my brother and sister only came to blows twice, my mom and brother once and the staff was harassed to the point where Beers beat the world record for harassment. My mother manage to fling a langoustine head at OH and my lemon flew into me and then into her. (Slippery little buggars) I flung a cigarette or two across the table, one landing in Spike’s drink and another in his lap. (Not lit yet thank goodness). DD took only 2 myprodol during the whole dinner (another world record) and the sexual innuendos made me blush!
OH managed very well, coping with the chaos that is the Cutenesses. As my brother so aptly said, when she was in the loo of course, FIFO (fit in or f*ck off). Rather a nice philosophy to live by. I only pity the man I take to encounter the family. Being the baby of the family (by a good 10 years) and being the first boy I bring home! Perhaps the first man they will meet will be my husband, on our wedding day!
Tuesday, May 8
Another Day in Paradise.
I am aware that my upbringing and lifestyle was hugely protected, leaving me, to this day, fairly naïve. I am by no means uninformed or ignorant rather unexposed. Recently on an early morning visit to Monte Casino, I was astounded at how depraved people really are.
I am fully aware of this depravity but witnessing it is something completely different. Upon arrival Delicious and I saw this minute boy, who couldn’t have been more than 5 years old. In his one hand he held a teddy-bear bag job and in the other he clutched the behemoth of a security guard’s hand. Hiding behind the security guards leg, while witnesses some form of scuffle, the little boy didn’t look frightened or confused, probably because this scene was all too familiar to him. His platinum blonde hair was short and had an Alfalfa bit sticking up on the crown of his head. His blue eyes were red and it looked as though someone had taken red lipstick and circled his eyes. I looked at him and asked if he was tired, to which he vehemently shook his head. I heard Delicious’s heart break as she heard mine. He was trying to show that he was in fact a big boy and why would a big boy be tired at 3 in the morning? We were ushered away from the little boy and his behemoth baby sitter. Once inside I dashed off to buy the child a choc and one for the security guard because his supervision of the little boy was too precious. Like the chocolate was going to make up for his parent’s neglect. Like the chocolate was going to get him into his bed at a decent hour. Like the chocolate was going to show his mother that her neglect of him could have her arrested. This wasn’t a child who was tired of shopping and needed a treat to keep him happy for a little longer.
On the way back to my friends a woman asked if he was my son, to which I replied no, naturally, I wouldn’t neglect my child in such a disgusting manner. To which she replied, it is tragic, some people are awful, you have such a good heart, and can I have R10?
Upon our reunion, Delicious and I went off to buy everyone a drink. The 2 of us walked through the casino to the bar and were both feeling pretty disillusioned with mankind. While waiting for service, a man came up to us, he had a car guard look about him really, and told us that people were judging him (no?!) and he is not scum simply because he was talking to that whore over there. That whore over there must have been the inspiration for the corpse bride. Her gaunt face only highlighted her blood-shot eyes and this in turn highlighted her black-rimmed teeth. She quickly informed us that she was not a whore and was just here to have fun, she enjoyed chatting to men. We said nothing. She said that she was not with that man, who was now being escorted away from us and shouting I want to know what she is saying about me. He was her stalker of sorts, she believed, and would we help her out if he bothered her again. Again we said nothing. She then started stroking my hair telling me how much she loved it. I quickly assured her we would help her out if it was needed and Delicious and I dashed off with the drinks in hand.
I have never been so happy to see a group of familiar and friendly male faces!
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
I am fully aware of this depravity but witnessing it is something completely different. Upon arrival Delicious and I saw this minute boy, who couldn’t have been more than 5 years old. In his one hand he held a teddy-bear bag job and in the other he clutched the behemoth of a security guard’s hand. Hiding behind the security guards leg, while witnesses some form of scuffle, the little boy didn’t look frightened or confused, probably because this scene was all too familiar to him. His platinum blonde hair was short and had an Alfalfa bit sticking up on the crown of his head. His blue eyes were red and it looked as though someone had taken red lipstick and circled his eyes. I looked at him and asked if he was tired, to which he vehemently shook his head. I heard Delicious’s heart break as she heard mine. He was trying to show that he was in fact a big boy and why would a big boy be tired at 3 in the morning? We were ushered away from the little boy and his behemoth baby sitter. Once inside I dashed off to buy the child a choc and one for the security guard because his supervision of the little boy was too precious. Like the chocolate was going to make up for his parent’s neglect. Like the chocolate was going to get him into his bed at a decent hour. Like the chocolate was going to show his mother that her neglect of him could have her arrested. This wasn’t a child who was tired of shopping and needed a treat to keep him happy for a little longer.
On the way back to my friends a woman asked if he was my son, to which I replied no, naturally, I wouldn’t neglect my child in such a disgusting manner. To which she replied, it is tragic, some people are awful, you have such a good heart, and can I have R10?
Upon our reunion, Delicious and I went off to buy everyone a drink. The 2 of us walked through the casino to the bar and were both feeling pretty disillusioned with mankind. While waiting for service, a man came up to us, he had a car guard look about him really, and told us that people were judging him (no?!) and he is not scum simply because he was talking to that whore over there. That whore over there must have been the inspiration for the corpse bride. Her gaunt face only highlighted her blood-shot eyes and this in turn highlighted her black-rimmed teeth. She quickly informed us that she was not a whore and was just here to have fun, she enjoyed chatting to men. We said nothing. She said that she was not with that man, who was now being escorted away from us and shouting I want to know what she is saying about me. He was her stalker of sorts, she believed, and would we help her out if he bothered her again. Again we said nothing. She then started stroking my hair telling me how much she loved it. I quickly assured her we would help her out if it was needed and Delicious and I dashed off with the drinks in hand.
I have never been so happy to see a group of familiar and friendly male faces!
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
Thursday, May 3
Dear…..
Cricket Commentators
I realize this letter comes at rather a late stage but I was plummeted into darkness for a few days. Don’t worry, Alec Erwin is receiving his letter soon.
I have a simple question, do you realize how incredibly stupid and irritating you are. I realize that it isn’t the easiest task but as people you have mostly played the game, you would think you would have a few more intelligent things to share with the viewing public. As a female who has watched cricket for many years I have a few pointers that I feel could work to your benefit!
- We do not care that you scored your first first-class century against Abubu in 1910, if we did, we would watch THAT game.
- If you say the ball was just to the left of the wicket, it goes without saying that it if was slightly more to the left it would have hit the wickets. I mean, if the wickets were the size of trees they would be easier to hit. While this may seem unrelated, both comments are equally stupid.
- By saying that Graeme Smith needs a wicket to stay in the game and ensure victory, this is again stating the obvious. Do you think the viewers for one second that the viewers think he needs a try and a conversion to win?
- Saying things like Kallis’s bowling was affected by a back injury and Mahindra bowls from the side because he learnt to play cricket on the beach and this is how the ball bounces on water are of more value than your Abubu century.
- When the cricketers swear and throw things out at each other, we WANT to know what they say so tell us. Saying Andre Nel couldn’t resist saying something to Pieterson is NOT sufficient, we want to know what!?
- Explaining the reasons for various field placements is also acceptable.
I have just touched the surface here but will continue to find ways for you to improve your skills, you really do not want to be the has-beens who can only find an intelligent thought by looking in between their toes.
I shall be in touch soon,
Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX
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