A Message from the Coach.........

As the coach of the esteemed team that is View United I feel that it is my responsibility, no duty to report the bad behaviour of two of my players, namely Tit and Her Infinite Cuteness.

I find it rather concerning that these two players have low morale at the moment and are just not putting their hearts into the game! As a coach I need to sort this problem out before the whole team gets relegated! I will just not stand for this, I am too competitive for that.

In a team meeting this morning it became apparent to me that these two players are not feeling very confident in their playing abilities at the moment. Heaven knows why they would be feeling like this when I have witnessed an evening of sixes, heard about an own goal (not happy with that) and I have been sidelined for advice on two opposing players from the same fine player! These two players have outstanding strike rates and I find it mortifying to hear that they don't feel like they have any playing ability at the moment!

The Challenge

In the team meeting this morning about our scheduled dinner this evening I have issued these two players with a challenge. After said dinner the 3 of us will be making our way to a fine establishment still to be decided, where and I quote what I said "opposition team members will attempt to poach them" and all I have to do is sit back and watch this unfold before my eyes. Call me the coach/wingman for the evening, I will show these two fine ladies just how "poachable" the two of them are without having to do a thing.

This challenge has been accepted and the two players are currently deciding on their team uniforms for the evening. I do believe one little black number has been decided for our Cuteness and Tit is still yet undecided!

At this point I would like to set some rules for this challenge:

1) I, as coach/wingman, can make a call on what I deem as unsatisfactory play whenever I regard applicable, this may not be argued upon at any time
2) Bribes in the form of alcoholic beverages may be accepted from opposing team members if said members are of appropriate team stature, this will count as a penalty in favour of View United, or against if opposing team player is unsatisfactory
3) If said bribe results in a sideline conversation of more than 5 minutes it will count as a goal
4) More than one bribe from the same opposing team member will count as a home run (yes I do realise that I am mixing sports but I am the coach after all and this is my challenge)
5) Physical body contact at any stage will be reviewed very clearly and can either be ruled as offsides if opposing team member does not meet my team status code of contact or can be ruled as a straight-out-the-park SIX (yes i know yet another sport) if said player does meet such standards
6) Fouls, wides and yellow/red cards may be given out whenever I deem necessary!

I will be keeping score of all the events and will unfortunately make decisions against my own players if they do not abide by the View United rules and regulations.

I will present all scores and findings tomorrow and show that there is conclusive evidence that these two players are not only MVPs (Most Valuable Players) but will prove to be an unconquerable force this season!

On a different note, I feel it necessary to announce that the MPP (Most Popular Player) for the last month, Doc, has now been "officially" benched by our very own Durban. So MPP status is up for grabs again!

In the meantime play nicely players and have a PMS/CBS free day now

Coach Sweet Pea

P.S. Whiteboy i will be doing all coaching from the sidelines and in no way participating in this challenge this evening