PMS and CBS

Post of Nations

2008-09-13T21:30:00.002+02:00

Some Stereotypes.

Americans.

Ignorant, Arrogant, stupid and fat. Living in constant fear, in a double-wide, of further terror attacks.
The only foreign country they are aware of, that shockingly doesn't speak American, is Iraq.

Aussies.

Arrogant, surrounded by flies and partial to sheep. Extremely judgemental, especially of racism, while hugely secretive
of their activities to snuff out the few remaining Aborigines that escaped the first time around. Oh and they like to walk
around at night simply because it is safe to do so. Very good at sport unfortunately

British.

Bad teethed, weedy race who spend most of their lives down at the pub, living in fear of their children or farting God Save the Queen.

Arabs (Dubai).

Everything has a price, EVERYTHING.

South Africans.

Suffers from "the grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome. Longs to walk around at night in Australia. Will always complain about crime, corruption and Zuma but happily bribe a cop. 'Faultless', 'blameless' and always has a 'valid reason' for doing exactly as they wish to others. So very hard done by.

Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx

Show us what you made of…

2008-02-14T14:46:00.001+02:00

Recently while reading a discussion on the incorrect spelling of the word metal I was reminded of a conversation I had with my brother roughly 2 weeks ago.

My brother has a rather interesting and busy love life. He has no problem with women and in all honesty women don’t generally stand a chance when faced with the eternally charming Beers. I asked him how long the current one would last and although he didn’t answer all indicators showed she had at that point had passed her Best Before date and was to be removed from his shelf. She didn’t have the METTLE. Mettle is what a person is made of, what they need to survive life but mostly other people. Considerable amounts of mettle is required to survive the Cutenesses, if you don’t have enough of it or take too long to show it you will be found wanting. Allow me to explain.

Firstly we are not a bunch of miserable horrid people who massacre bunnies at family lunches. We are kind, caring and extremely generous souls who are highly dependable and fiercely loyal. BUT….

We, particularly my brother and I, are incredibly complex individuals. We are all incredibly demanding and have high expectations of people. This often finds us disappointed by people and so our opinion of the general population is less than complimentary. I am in fact a firm believer that natural selection needs a little help and certain people need to be put down. (I am aware that I would more than likely be one of these, however this does not sway my opinion, there are people that this world could just do without. For this greater good, I would put the needle in my arm myself).

We do not suffer fools and are totally intolerant of stupidity. In fact I get so infuriated by it I’m getting irritated just typing the word. My family is incredibly intelligent, with my brother and sister both being described as gifted. They are all incredibly successful, over-achievers and so mediocrity is not something they know, understand or particularly accept.

We are, myself in particular, very hard people. I wasn’t always but the last few years have made me someone who I believe isn’t all that nice, very angry and very cynical. We cannot stand people who are pathetic. “Woe is me” crap, “why me” shit. IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT. To quote an Aussie show which I believe puts it perfectly “Harden the fuck up.” My mother and I cannot stand, in particular, weak women. We call them fall-about-women. This conjures a picture of a pathetic weeping woman flailing around with her hand to her forehead waiting to be rescued.

We are informed people, make sure you know what you are talking about before you start talking otherwise you wont walk properly for a month, you will be ripped apart. And please develop opinions of your own. Simply repeating what your boyfriend, parent or friend has said because it sounded intelligent falls in the category of stupidity (see above for feelings on that).

We have no time for liars or morons. We are blunt and as honest as they come. If we do not like you, you generally know, if not you are blind, deaf, dumb and in a grave.
We have fierce tempers so you don’t want to piss us off. My siblings and I are incredibly unforgiving and do not forget easily. You don’t really want to cross us and find yourself on our bad side. (We might death-stare you to death lol). The 3 of us (offspring) have a very dark and slightly inappropriate sense of humour, it is however dry and intelligent. None of this Borat crap. (Dear god if another moron does his Borat impression, firstly get your own material and secondly you sound like an idiot, unless your goal is to turn me off then well-done!).

My friends are made of good mettle, I think in fact, they make my mettle considerably better. And actually thinking about it, Token, who has had it the hardest out of all of them from my family (particularly Beers), has showed his mettle to my family like no other really has.
I find my family chaotic and hugely exhausting. One could feel like they had stepped into an episode of the Osbornes with the swearing etc. You can’t take offense to things too easily, or you will be told to get over it. A tough person needs to come into this, especially if it’s my boyfriend, because good luck with Beers darlings. You have to be made of strong mettle to survive the cutenesses, and I have only mentioned the stuff I'm happy to talk about. I must say in the last few years I haven’t met anyone who even comes close to being made of the right stuff. Tragic really.

Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx

Major Team changes as 2008 Season kicks off.

2008-02-10T05:32:00.000+02:00

View United is experiencing a great loss at the beginning of this leap year. Their MVP and MPP has officially been benched! Delicious has been taken off the field by a new comer, Bloemies. The team is a little out of sync with the loss of this valuable and popular player but they are slowly finding their feet as Delicious is participating in many friendly matches and showing the other players her unbelievable skill and vast bevy of secrets.

Sweet-pea remains a superb coach, participating in the odd friendly, demonstrating to all why she is one of the best coaches in the business. She has however relinquished some of her coaching responsibilities as she now deals only with attack strategies. View United has acquired and would like to officially welcome their new assistant coach, Whitey. He has been on the scene for a while now, however to break into the ranks of View United is a difficult, long and sometimes impossible venture. Whitey is a superb coach and all members of View United adore him adequately. Remaining in paper-pushing positions along with sweet-pea and Whitey are Tit and Von-Dutch(man). Von-Dutch(man), like Whitey, has been on the scene for a while but has yet to be officially welcomed. (This due entirely to my tardiness. I will complete all welcomes at end.) Masters and Ranger (henceforth known as angel) also remain in head-office. These are the great people behind the players keeping things running smoothly, the players looking fantastic and feeling pretty/ semi – normal.

Unfortunately for head-office they lost a valuable paper-pusher. Durban has now joined the ranks of the competitive players. He started the season off on a bit of a slow note due to a stomach injury and lack of reputation in the region but we have much hope for this player. He is by far the most promising, skilled and naturally talented player (see what I did there) this team has seen for some time.

Token, an old favorite is in positively superb form and his game skills don’t seem to be too bad either. (Picking up what Im putting down?) Although recently at an away game a shoe-lace snapped left him stranded on a jetty watching the boat sail away, but after a quick emergency time-out he was right back in it!

As for me, I am still in the team. I have 2 superb defense players in Durban and Token and a great support system in the rest.

As for the official welcomes. Whitey, Von Dutch(man) and Angel (ranger, see above). Welcome boys, I know you have been around and supporting the rest of the team for some time now. You all enjoy the privileges, rights and protection afforded to all View United members.

Here’s to a great 2008 season.

Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx

Resolutions smootions

2008-01-14T00:22:00.000+02:00

When it comes to New Year, I am a bit of a killjoy. I hardly see the point of celebrating the changing of the year, it has about as much meaning as a new month arriving. No one celebrates a happy new month do they? People spend weeks planning and worrying what they are going to do for their new year, will they be dateless on the night, dooming themselves to a year of complete singledom. If by the 10th of December their plans are not set there is huge panic and huge relief once their plans are set. People believe that the way they spend their new year is how they will spend their year. A lot of people have great New Year’s bashes and a really awful year. Others are in bed by 10, wake up in the New Year and life is just dandy.

The general belief is that the year will be better because there is a different number after 2 zeros? Surely if this were the case people would have gotten it right years ago. One never hears someone saying, “Gee I hope 2008 is just like 2007.”? Honestly what is a number going to change? I suppose people see the New Year is a fresh start, a new beginning, a type of tabula rasa. While that is all very romantic and optimistic, it is a very naïve and juvenile way to think. Firstly own personal demons do not expire at the end of the year, neither do your past actions. The truth is people do not forgive and do not forget. One could always move to another country, and re-invent yourself but those personal demons don’t really play the game. And so it is true that only babies have the true tabula rasa, the only clean slate. One’s slate will never be clean past those few precious years of knowing nothing, remembering nothing and not being aware of consequences.

As for resolutions, I am making one resolution this year. Not to make any resolutions. People put huge amounts of pressure on themselves by saying I’m going to do something for 365 days. My god, talk about climbing out the Grand Canyon people! That kind of attitude is doomed to fail. Nothing like setting yourself up to fail to get off on the wrong foot. Try climbing out the swimming pool first.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Nothing to Write, few things to say

2007-11-16T11:05:00.000+02:00

On the phone to Durban yesterday, we both decided that we would both be extremely happy to see the end of 2007. Good god what a year. Please don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. And that's not including the lovely family saga that has plagued me for the past 5 years. When next I count to this area of the 2000s I will simply go 2005, 2006, 2008, 2009. I think I will celebrate my 25Th again next year and change my birth year to 1983. I'm sure this is possible, in fact home affairs has probably already done it for me, Ill let you know when I get my passport.

Although I learnt a lot about people, none of it remotely positive, I learnt very little about myself.
I did rediscover 2 very special individuals who carried me an awful lot this year, I think I should buy them a massage, I'm a rather big girl and rather bigger than them. (look what carrying the entire English rugby team did to Johnny Wilkinson's back). Its amazing how, even after 11 years people can still surprise you, in good and bad ways. I believe I found a good friend and a bit of a kindred spirit in a former sea-goer. Someone I knew really only socially, showed me what a tRRuly special, unique friend and person he really is. And when things can get really bad, people do come together, even those you least expect.
I did decide that I was going to call people out on everything and be totally straight, I will not accept any form of abuse from ANYONE and people will know exactly how I feel about things.
While this all sounds positive and rather good (it did happen in the second half of 2006 after all) it all arose from hugely unpleasant circumstances.

I wish I hadn't learnt that people are full of excuses. Excuses that they think allows them to do and treat people as they wish. They believe excuses are reasons. Are reasons not just excuses really? People are happy to suffer from victim syndrome or are the worlds biggest martyr. I learnt that people do not know how to accept responsibility or see themselves as part of the problem. I wish I hadn't learnt that people don't know or actually don't care when someone else is in trouble because they are not themselves and it would take too much effort to help them out. learnt that people only hear because it doesn't suit them to listen to what you actually saying.
But most of all I wish I hadn't learnt that when things are really bad and you are looking for people to restore your faith in humanity and all they do is reinforce that which you wish you didn't know already. And no matter how cynical one is, strangers and people you know always manage to disappoint you.

And with all this negative and seriousness, trust my parents to add some light to it all...
You know something is seriously wrong with the universe when you mother has to come watch South Park with you cause your father is watching Oprah.

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XXX

I dont wanna go to school mom....

2007-10-11T11:52:00.000+02:00

We all know joke about the principle who tells his mother he doesn't want to go to school and she says you have to dear etc. So recently the scenario in the Cuteness Household was this....

My brother introduced my moms to this online game and she has been playing it like it provides her with oxygen, as does my brother mind you. The other night she played until 3am (at some point in the evening The Don came through to "ask" her if she new what time it was and she told him to pretend he didn't know).
Now she is doesn't quite know much of the ins and outs of the game just yet and so runs around in the online gaming universe as the dumb blonde. Luckily some people think that it is pretty cool that a mom is playing this game (seen as the age of the players starts at about 10) and that her children are teaching her to play, so people are more than willing to help her out. The other night she played with a fellow South African, a rare thing, and they played until about 12pm. At which point my mom decided it was bedtime.

Mamma Cuteness: F**K its late (yes just like that, i learnt to swear from
my mother, as did my father actually).
I have to go to bed, have school in the morning.

Fellow SA Player: Oh Ok, what grade are you in?

Mamma Cuteness: Well actually I'm the Vice Principle

Fellow SA Player: You are the coolest lady....

Another insight into the woman that is my mother. She swore at her matrics AGAIN this week. No wonder they love her?! However I am not, my parents decided recently that perhaps doing some speed dating or the that type of vibe is a good idea for me! REALLY NOW?!?! Come on parents, please relax. I am no old maid or some baron 45 year old (altho barely coping with the 25 milestone!) Sigh... Exams have been a good distraction for them tho, (?) wrote my first one yesterday and my mother cried the entire day because of it, for reasons I am not going to explain, the people that read this know why anyway :)

Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx

Types of Girlfriends.

2007-10-02T00:24:00.000+02:00

I started out writing about types of women, but soon realized that in actual fact I was referring to women and their behaviour in relationships. Now having a brother who has dated roughly 76% of Jhb and seeing a fair amount of males in relationships I have come to observe various behaviours of this strange specimen, A woman in a relationship.

Type A. The Strap-on.
She is better than you at everything. She can outrun, out swim, out drink, beat you at mortal combat, poker, darts and pool. She can burp louder than you and when you wrestle, it is never a given who is going to win. You are not sure if she is your girlfriend or the greatest guy-friend you have ever had.

Type B. Glad-Wrap.
If you were food, honey you would be fresh for years. Really, why bother wearing clothes when you can just slap on some cologne and your girlfriend. When out and about, there is no question about your relationship status or who you are involved with. When trying to have a conversation, having a mouthful of teeth is hardly your problem, it is that you have an extra tongue perpetually stuck down your throat that is making talking difficult.

Type C. The squealer.
This is the girl that squeals with delight every time she sees you. It is so high-pitched that only dogs can hear it. She tells you she misses you after you have gone to pee or buy a drink, a mere absence of a few minutes. In fact when you return, she has turned blue, because as her left lung, leaving her, you have only left her with 50% of her breathing (and thinking) capacity. She calls you sugar-lips, Tea-tree, pumpkin, my baaaaaabbby at the end and beginning of every sentence and when introducing you, does so only as “my Boyfriend” because before you were her boyfriend, you were nothing else, you didn’t even have a name. Her future plans are to have 8 of your babies, all called Boyfriend JR, and bring you your slippers and pipe after cooking you a 3 course meal. Baby speak is a given.

Type D. The Mother. (Read Nazi)
She dresses you, orders your food, chooses your hairstyle, tells you when to stop drinking, when to be home, where to go, where NOT to go, who to go out with, who your friends are, what to say, think, feel and earn. She tells you what car to buy because after all, it has to be what she likes. Sex is purely for her enjoyment, and to quote an old airline add, “She only wants to hear one click.” She disciplines with a simple look that when you were little, was accompanied by the words (said by your actual mother) “I’m going to count to 3.” With her, spankings are not kinky, they are terrifying!

Type E. The oil-painting.
This girl wears so much makeup you are unable to tell what her real eye colour is. She has to sit still as movement will cause her to crack. Her eyes are never fully open as the amount of makeup on them has made them too heavy, that it is physically impossible for her to open them properly. You are not allowed to kiss her as you may mess up her caked on lip-gloss or lipstick (if you actually want to). In fact if you are sitting on the opposite side of The Hat to her, her lips are still in reach, she is wearing that much makeup! Instead of makeup remover, she uses thinners and a chisel.

Type F. High Maintenance.
Now this is a tough one, because most men believe women are high maintenance. This is the woman who spends 4 hours in the bathroom and emerges looking exactly the same. She bitches about the food, wine and company at every opportunity and if she it out partying, she wants to be home chilling and vice versa. She is the girl who responds fine, when you know it isn’t and says things like “if you don’t know what is wrong then I just can’t help you.” She has huge double standards so don’t even expect fairness, what a ridiculous concept and how silly of you to think there would be such a thing! She will ignore you for 2 weeks as a form of punishment. (Without realizing that she is doing you a favour because god knows you love the peace.) She says one thing but expects the opposite. And god help you if you can’t mind-read! You will cancel golf because she said so, but at your would-be tee-off time is her hair and nail appointment. For her birthday, the lovely and pricey bracelet is great but the picnic under the stars in your garden is not good enough as it didn’t cost R2000 and was not in the Westcliff gardens with a string quartet playing in the background. She will scream at you for 2 hours because you didn’t remember the anniversary of the first time you saw each other briefly on the dance floor at a school social before being introduced for the first time, properly, 6 years later.

Tell me boys, loving your girlfriends right now aren’t you?!

Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx

Top 10 places to meet women.

2007-09-13T11:16:00.000+02:00

A mate of mine, we will call him Flintstones Pet (or FP) wrote an interesting and rather good article on this subject a while back. (http://www.wibble.co.za/blog/top-10-places-meet-women) Of course, knowing me, I have an answer for everything and well while some of his ideas are not too bad I thought I would add a female answer.

At a Wedding. Yes women are emotional and tend to be loved up. But there can be a range of emotions flying here. That bitch knew I wanted to use this as my first song and that was my idea!!! That’s what I wanted my dress to look like! She said I would be a bridesmaid! Yes women discuss their weddings at length and so they will be looking for any idea stealing. There also may be some, I cant believe she is marrying THAT man and look who she invited?! Or Oh MY GOD can you see who Cindy brought or how fat Natasha is? And once we are then above all the tacky school-girl behaviour and enter the loved-up stage and get swept up in the moment, I hate to say it boys, but Vince and brother Wilson destroyed any illusion women have about men at weddings I’m afraid.

On a Flight. Yes 12 long hours seems far more appealing when you not sitting next to the big fat guy who spills into your seat, spitting his complimentary nuts at you while he talks about his failed marriage and his battle with body odour. But in reality people have more chance of getting killed by a falling coconut in Norway than sitting next to a good-looking single male on a flight. They are either going on a trip with a girlfriend, to see a girlfriend or are in business class. And another fantasy ruined by a movie, we have all seen Bridget Jones Diary. And there is very little glamorous about flying, your head rolling everywhere while you battle to sleep, pudding spilled all over your top. There is only one way to travel, in business class, asleep, after a very strong sleeping tablet.

In the Shopping Isles. Yes women love it when they are shopping for food, a few binge items and a man comes up to them to chat or ask for “advice” and their ‘womanly items’ are sitting on top of the cart. In fact, I think the men would like it less! I think men will learn to read labels very quickly.

At the races. This is not a bad place in all fairness but unless you look like Ryk Neethling, have the charm of 4000 men or are willing to wait for the 4-in-the-morning-I-havent-found-a-man-desparation, it’s very unlikely.

At a wine tasting club. Also not bad. All I have to say is Red wine teeth and lips.

At the airport. Interesting place. An interesting place to just piss off a woman with a lot of luggage to hit you with.

At a club. Yes, please please can the guy with sambucca all down his top, who smells of sweat and cannot talk a language known to man come and grope at me! And generally, being older than 12, we only get there after 11ish so being called a swamp lady is a sure way into my pants! (refer to circling vultures)

At Gym. Some women go to gym to actually EXERCISE. Another place to piss off women where they have lots of weights to throw at you. Look for the women wearing lots of makeup, g-string leotards and blow-dried hair. They are usually too nipped and tucked, but hey, if you like that type of thing….

At volunteer activities. Funnily women are there to actually volunteer. They will not notice you unless you are Brad Pitt. Also sooooo obvious. Some women are that stupid, but they will be in the gym in a g-string leotard.

Aerobics class. Alright, either gay gay gay gay gay or tooooo obvious. So obvious you might as well take a women’s studies class at university.

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XXX

Bitch slap….

2007-08-06T09:14:00.000+02:00

Last night I was chatting to mate of mine and we got talking about slapping people in the face. He said he would hate to be on the receiving end of one of my slaps seen as I punch like a man (thanks Beers). It is a hug insulting thing to do to someone and is as low as going for a man’s crown jewels. This got me thinking to the last time I actually slapped someone.

My oldest friend in the world, we will call her Candy, because she is really really phenomenal eye-candy, and I used to fight so badly they wouldn’t have put us on Jerry Springer. (Bear in mind we lived in Boksburg back then) We hit each other with belts, wet towels, basically anything that would cause a welt and sting. We regularly slapped each other so hard the hand prints remained for hours. Many times our parents would come home and we would have bright red faces from slapping each other so hard. I pushed her into a cupboard once, she pushed me to the ground. I slammed the door in her face so hard, paint came off. This was all before we were 12, before we had grown up a bit. Now we don’t fight at all but we always marvel at how we used to lay into each other. People who hear these stories and know me well cannot believe it, I guess once I left the Burg I didn’t need my fighting skills anymore.

There was one occasion when we were very proud of our slapping abilities, this time someone else was on the receiving end and had to face the wrath of both of us. Candy has a little sister and when we were in STD 5 she was in grade 2. Was an incredibly cute kid and Candy and I used to give her a pretty hard time, but we were also very nice older sisters. A few of us, when we were in STD 5, were in a war with the girls in the year below us. I believe it was over sitting rights of a particular bench. So one of their boyfriends and his mate who was our age came to the school one day after a particularly intense fight, and stumbled across Candy’s little sissy. They pushed her to the ground and called her some mean names. This was all kinds of unacceptable. Candy and I gave those boys a nice red face and ear they will never forget. (After a good talking to first of course). In the mean time the rest of our mates were taking down the girls in the lower year.

People laugh when I say be careful I’m from the Burg, they look at me and say, yeah you really rough cuteness…

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XXX

Biting the Hand

2007-08-03T00:09:00.000+02:00

I’m sure most of you have heard about the fifth year med student who was raped at Bara this week. I felt the usual amounts of sadness and rage for this poor girl, who was violated in the worst possible way.

It has always amazed me, how people can hurt those that are there to help them. This is a lesson I learnt in my first year studying law. We went to sit in on a case where a young female lawyer would go into poorer and rural areas to offer legal assistance to people who couldn’t afford it, and to educate them as to what their rights were etc. a hugely noble act considering she was a public prosecutor, and we are all aware of how swamped they are, and she did this pro bono work in her own time. One day, she was walking through a tunnel, where she was attacked, raped (more than once), mugged, beaten and shot 5 times in the back. Her body left in the gutter, in a puddle of mucky water, face down. I can describe this image so clearly because I saw the case file. Now the men accused could not afford legal council and so the state provided them a lawyer, as this is their right. My problem with that is that the lawyer was in fact the victim’s friend. Their lawyer was bound by ethics, to give them a decent defense. All valid and reasonable expectations but knowing it was her friend added an extra sting to this already disturbing story. I stopped studying law after that and it has taken me 7 years to return to the degree.

Now I hear this story. I have a considerable amount of friends studying medicine and they regularly work at Bara. I know that this degree requires a huge commitment of roughly 10 years minimum but to do it, one requires passion! When you hit roughly 5th year, you work in the hospitals almost everyday, doing 24 hour shifts etc. And no pay. Granted you are learning. But you are offering medical care to those who cannot afford it. It is indeed noble! And then one of the students is raped.

Justice? Is there such a thing?
And don’t even get me started on so-called “Karma”

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XXX

Actions, Reasons and Excuses.

2007-07-23T00:39:00.001+02:00

People always have a reason for their behaviour. If someone is rude to the shop teller everyone just thinks they are a bitch but one never knows what is going on in their lives at that moment. Maybe their mother is ill or they themselves are in immense pain, or they are in fact just an unpleasant son of a bitch with a special place in hell reserved just for them. Having been in an environment where I deal with people who are usually very ill and are not always so pleasant as a result, I like to think I try to be more aware of the fact that you just don’t know what is going on in a person’s life that makes them behave in a certain way. I also do deal with people who are not incredibly ill and I know that one day they will wish they had been just a little nicer and less selfish, this thought can sometimes bring me great joy as I can tend not to be the most forgiving of people.
But then there is another kind of person. The person I have come across very much lately, and I am going to describe them in a strange way so I hope you understand me, because right now the anger is too much to think that I could possibly be all too coherent. These people always have an excuse, not a reason, for their behaviour….
EG.

I was going through a very difficult time in my life so this is why I stole or abused children or those weaker than me. I just wasn’t myself.

I was abused as a child so that’s why I abused children. (One would think it would be the complete opposite, the fuckers)

I was very depressed and in such a dark black hole at the time, that’s why I stabbed my two 5 year old twin daughters 18 times each.

She was wearing a short skirt so I assumed she wouldn’t mind being groped at or pawed at. Girls like that like that attention.

Of course we both wanted to have sex. She was just so drunk she couldn’t say her name but she wanted it, she didn’t say no. She had been flirting with me all night.

There is a young sweet girl, I think I will just grab her all over and kiss her because I WANT to. Women like the attention, and she was nice to me, she wanted me to. It’s my right to do that.

She/He hurt me. This gives me the right to humiliate them, call them fat, ugly, slutty or even spread vicious rumors about them which are completely untrue. I’m the victim here.

Did you see how he/she was behaving? (In girls case, wearing) They were asking for it.

She seems like a rich spoilt bratty bitch, she deserves to be put in her place. I have every right to say what I wish to do this.

I didn’t like the fact that my girlfriends skirt was too short so I had every right to humiliate her in front of her friends by saying, loudly, in front of everyone that she was flashing everything she owned.

People never stop to think that maybe there is more going on behind closed doors. They don’t think that maybe someone is just friendly or doesn’t like to treat people like they don’t matter just because they don’t know them or are a certain type of person. People don’t think that maybe girls just like to wear short skirts because they feel they look nice in them and that is doesn’t mean they are a whore. Girls should be allowed to wear what they wish without being judged or pawed at.
People don’t realize that humiliating someone and treating a girl like she is cheap can destroy a person, and, in my view, is a form of abuse….
In future I would rather just be punched in the face, I would find it less traumatizing thank you. It is in fact, far less damaging. Just love it when men say I would never hit a woman. Well sweeties it is a hell of a lot better than groping at her when she does not want to be touched or calling her a dog, fat or a slut. Think about that. People have no excuse to say or do as they like to others.
There really is no such thing as entitlement in my opinion.

Most of the above examples speak for themselves. People, in general, are really revolting creatures.

Foreign Objects.

2007-07-17T00:08:00.000+02:00

I am sure most people who do not live in a cave have been watching Greys religiously. So last night the pair of runts and I are watching and it comes to the part where the woman has a foreign object stuck inside her. Open door, see couple, Cuteness’s registering rate – immediate. The parents needed a little more help…..

Side Note: The parents appear to have a slight hearing problem, a great irritation in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mamma Cuteness: Who is the man?
The Don: What?
Mamma Cuteness: THE MAN WHO IS HE?
Cuteness: her husband.
The Don: who?
Cuteness: HER HUSBAND.
(Greys in the background, establish that it is in fact the ex-hubby.)
Cuteness: oh, her ex.
Pair of Runts: who?
Cuteness: HER EX HUSBAND.
Mamma Cuteness: Well what is he doing there? Why are they in that position? I though she had a foreign object stuck.
(The Don now listening…)
Cuteness: Her husband is the foreign object.
Pair of Runts: Hey?
Cuteness: HER HUSBAND IS THE FOREIGN OBJECT.
(Silence)
The Don: How does that happen?
Mamma Cuteness: oh my god, I could think of nothing worse.
The Don giggles and continues watching. My mother shaking her head at the mere thought!

A little while later we learn of the piercing…

The Don: we still don’t know how they are stuck.
Mamma Cuteness: what?
The Don ignores her…
Mamma Cuteness: He has a pissing?
Cuteness: no mom a piieerrcciinng.
The Don: A what?
Cuteness: A PIERCING.
Mamma Cuteness: so?
Cuteness: that’s how they stuck.
Mamma Cuteness: what kind of piercing gets you stuck like that?
The Don: What?
(I look at my mother, you are not THIS stupid!!!!!)
Mamma Cuteness: HE HAS A PIERCING THAT IS STUCK THE DON.
The Don: oh, how does that work?
Cuteness: (I say this loudly so I don’t have to repeat this and continue this hell) THE MAN HAS A PIERCING THAT CAUSED THEM TO GET STUCK IN THIS SITUATION.
Pair of Runts: oohhhh…. (Giggle)

At this point I am ready to kill both of them and the writers!!!

And all I was wondering was how the hell did they get to the hospital?!

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Back to the Future.

2007-07-10T04:27:00.000+02:00

I have very little relationship experience and always thought I was the girl who would never go back to the ex. I mean once its over, its over. Breaking up is hard to do, but staying that way is actually harder.

I broke up with my ex in December. It was a hugely messy breakup and there were times when I thought it would be the easiest thing to get back together, and then all that was going on would stop. Eventually he started seeing someone else and he eased up a bit which was fantastic, I was exhausted after 5 months trying to be fair and firm and not hurting anyone. And so the task began to repair our friendship. Not many people understand our relationship but he is a good friend and has always been a good friend. He knows who I am and what I am. He is someone who will always be my friend. In the last couple of months we have been getting on very well and I thought it would nice to see him, without a huge drama ensuing. So after 7 months I went off to see the ex.

Now nothing happened and we are not back together. But when I arrived home I was extremely sad. Even after all that time, in familiar surroundings, it was strange not to reach out and touch him or snuggle up to him while watching Borat. Or even give him the odd little surprise kiss. There was an uncomfortable comfort to the evening.

It would be so easy, there isn’t the getting to know you stage, the fear of revealing too much about yourself because of what is there. Slowly sharing the things you are afraid to because most people would run in the opposite direction upon finding out. Discovering that there is a reason you don’t like to talk about yourself, and that you are not trying to be mysterious. You don’t have to explain things from the beginning because he was there at the beginning. There is no need to build up that trust because it is there already. (Clearly starting up a relationship is a bit of a hassle for me, perhaps why I’m still single and don’t really get passed the 2nd date). All in all it is just easier and safer.
All that I have written above is why people get back together, for all the WRONG reasons. Some do it for the right reasons, obviously.

I realized how much I have missed his company and I think I was sad because I finally mourned the relationship. There was nothing going on, no chaos or drama when I arrived home, just silence. It was an interesting experience, something new and different for me. All of it. And none of this makes any sense!

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Puddles or Pools

2007-07-04T02:39:00.000+02:00

So last week was nice and chilled. We went off to the farm after a few not so nice and unchilled happenings. We met Beers’s new girl, who all in all seems really nice and isn’t the size (including height) of my leg. She thought we were nice too and told my brother that it was really nice to meet people who aren’t stuck up, who are friendly, fun and ordinary. Personally I took exception to this. There is absolutely nothing, not even a smidgen of ordinary in me. I mean forgetting everything else, I am completely insane! Anyway moving along. After having a night of laughs and spending our time talking in the crime and investigation narration voice, (the narrators go to a special school i'm telling you.) we headed off to bed. Now it gets so cold that you pile on so many blankets you cannot move all night and breathing is difficult. Sleeping with a gas heater on is, well, stupid.
The rest of the week was pretty uneventful.
I did get lost walking in the bush though, for about 2 hours. It’s not really a huge issue, getting lost, as long as you get home before its dark, you don’t run into any snakes or one of the leopards that live in the entire Waterberg area. It is also good to have a good sense of direction (like being able to remember the sun sets in the West). So it was getting later and colder, dusk was upon me and I had still not reached the ridge. I had decided to head that way because once I found it I knew I would know where I was. Finally I phoned my sister and we eventually found each other, getting home before dark or becoming leopard food. You know how people say that when you need it, your sense of survival kicks in??? Complete crap!!!!!!! Not only was I walking in circles basically but I was walking in the opposite direction to the ridge!

On the Friday we took a drive down to the beach. This is basically a little patch of sand next to the river. It’s pretty dry at the moment so one can explore quite a large area of rock. There are tiny little pools and small small rapids. Now my one dog is a complete princess but will run and explore as long as she doesn’t get her paws wet (I mean good god imagine!!!). The other one is also a little prissy but enjoys running around and exploring. She has huge fun at the beach. She is however so terrified of water, she gets nervous around her water bowl. Not this Friday. She was dashing in and out the puddles, getting sopping. Jumping on sandbanks and running in the water a little and out, then barking at it like it would run, terrified by the yap of a too small Pekingese. I was watching carefully just in case she decided to go swim with the hippo. Firstly she can’t swim and secondly it’s a HIPPO! Anyway I lost sight of her for a bit, only to discover her desperately trying to not to sink in a puddle (well for her a pool). I baywatched to her rescue, amazed that I didn’t break anything considering the rocks I ran over and climbed and my world-famous clumsiness. I grabbed her out of the puddle um pool just as she started to go under and saved her. Both of us now sopping I walked to safer territory only to see that my family was looking at me like I was mad?!? I put the dog down and she sprinted off to continue her afternoon romp while I stood there drenched and freezing.
Dumb Dog.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Conversations with Mamma Cuteness

2007-06-22T01:41:00.000+02:00

There are times in every girls' life that they realise their mother is totally insane! Now i have known that my mother is insane for quite sometime. Although I cannot remember the exact moment I realised this. It could have been the time she threw a stool across the school hall and breaking it (did I mention it was a metal stool) because a student was rude. Luckily no one was injured in the incident, except the stool. Or it might have been the time she was dancing in the rain with her umbrella (closed) outside the Keg and Dolphin, singing Cuteness, cuteness,come here we are leaving! Luckily the mates I was with knew of my mother.... Or it could have been the time the phone rang and she sat down to answer it, and said "Hello" without actually picking up the phone?

Lately my mother has been rather less insane I guess one could say, due to certain instances not to be discussed, but over the last week, I have certain glitters of the good old Mamma Cuteness.

Last week Saturday Morning. Previous evening was spent at the infamous Maneater.

Mamma Cuteness: So what boyfriend did you meet last night?

now i have met everyone's boyfriends so this question was a little odd to me...
Cuteness: None mom.

Mamma Cuteness: (slams coffee cup) This is ridiculous!!!!!!!!! Its time you find a
boyfriend. I mean really! You know you are just like me. (hmmm)
You know how to flirt but you don't know how to come on to guys,
letting them know you like them. Its a complete miracle I married
your father, the poor man had to chase and chase. Didn't you The Don?

The Don: Yup.

Cuteness: So mom made you work hard hey dad?

The Don: Yup.
(The Don is a man of few words.)

Mamma Cuteness: I don't know what it is Cuteness but you don't have it. Doc has it, and
CT (oldest friend in the world) has it, but you just don't that certain
thing...

The Don: Mmmmmmmm that is true.

Mamma Cuteness: We are not saying you are unattractive, at all!! I just don't know
anymore.
(right about now I am feeling like Rosie 0'Donnel before bypass surgery)

Then last night we went off to watch her school play. Was an enjoyable evening as we laughed as the boys dressed as girls swished their hips and flirted with the male actors....
Afterwards while saying bye to Mamma Cuteness she grabbed my arm and said I was not to leave because I had to meet the boy who played the captain in the play as she had told him he could marry me. Luckily as she rushed off to find my 17 year old future husband she got sidetracked and the meeting never happened.

Now I know that I am getting a bit older now, and that my mother has given up on Drug Dealer and Beers but seriously, a 17 year old? SERIOUSLY?!?!

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Booze Poops.

2007-06-16T09:10:00.000+02:00

Now most that know me know I am not one to discuss bodily functions. I have issues with bodily functions. I was in Std 8 when I first used a public loo. I realized that one cannot go to a club and not pee all night, one would surely die. (Even though the female bladder can hold up to 6 litres. It is not a good idea to test this however, as one would end up in hospital or die). So it was my venturing into the world of night clubs and drinking that finally enabled me to use a public loo. So now I am finally comfortable with the whole peeing concept. (Until Durban decided that knocking was optional and discovered me on the loo).

Having ‘slightly’ over-shared with you all now, Im sure you can gather that this post is in fact not about real booze poops, but something different, a different effect that booze has on people that has them running in a different direction. I am talking about verbal booze poops. The word vomit that just comes out of you when you have had a few too many, you know its happening, you know you don’t want to be saying the things you are but no matter how you try to control it (or the other person tries to shut you up) there is no stopping those words from leaving your mouth.

So yes, when Im drunk I don’t shut up. Everyone is my best friend and I am so overjoyed to see everyone. (Visualize big dramatic eeekkk and a huge hug filled with much laughter and joy. Not pretty!). And if we start talking, I will tell you everything! Things that I refuse to write down because most people can read writing but not minds. I will tell you about my secret crush, my bra size, my weight and in fact Ill even show you my underwear. (Even if you didn’t ask to see it, I believe at that time you need see my undergarments because they are just so pretty!) I will tell you about the first time I heard my parents doing the unthinkable and the most recent time, and how important I think it is to have a great sex-life, even after 60 and how thrilled I am that they still have a good sex-life because after all it’s a sign of a happy and healthy marriage. I will tell you my theories on global warming and how I believe it is hugely hugely hugely exaggerated (another post perhaps). I will tell you if you are my crush and that I will no longer harass you so you can rest easy. (Happened more than once!) If I do not like your hair, clothes or even you, I will tell you and give you a big hug afterwards like you are my sister and then buy you a drink. No secret of mine is sacred which I discovered on Friday night as I rambled on and on and on and on and on to some poor mate.

I know most people over share after a few so to all those who know people how cannot hold their words as well as they can hold their alcohol, if you see those words about to fly out their mouths, grab their hand and buy them a drink or take them to dance those words off! You will be saving yourself and them.

Remain Infinitely Cute (and quiet)
XXX

Regrets

2007-06-12T01:05:00.000+02:00

so it seems today i am having one of those days, so for those of you who cant stand these days of mine, simply top reading now...

Seeing as its June and we are somewhere near the middle of the year, i took a look back at the previous 6 months. Unfortunately this little backtrack of mine was filled mostly with regrets...

Firstly i angered and hurt someone extremely badly. (Although i am currently very very very slowly growing back to normal size after feeling exceptionally small after a few social encounters with this person)
Secondly unburdening my secret to my parents at time when things were hard enough for them. (and family) My timing could have been better but i guess some things cannot be held inside any longer.
My third regret is wasting so much energy on 2 people. It fuels my rage and sadness everyday. Mostly with myself. Firstly, because the one person evokes any kind of emotion in me at all, i wish to be totally indifferent towards this person and am unable to do so. It is positively infuriating!!!
Secondly I am angry for wasting time on another person, for falling for them, knowing that they are most likely wrong in every way, that nothing would come of it but still breaking my no-expectations rule.
And finally for not being able to tell everyone what it is really like to be me.

these are the ones that stick out at the moment....

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

How to save a life.

2007-06-05T03:37:00.000+02:00

How to save a life.

There are people in your life you laugh and cry with. You can have huge amounts of fun with them, you feel at ease with them. They know you well and they know your faults, they accept you despite them. They know your moods and respect them. They are supportive of you and you are of them.

These are the people that make you grow.

Then there are people in your life that don’t need to see tears to know that you are crying. They know when you have cried yourself to sleep just by looking at you. They know your nervous laugh, your fake laugh, your “I’m ok” laugh and your real laugh. They can tell what you thinking or what you want just by subtle changes in your facial expressions. They know the songs you love, ones you will like, the ones you hate and the ones with very bad memories. They know what you need and when you are heading for a crash landing before you do. They know when you have done something completely uncharacteristic and this causes them to worry. They consider the smallest thing that might make you uncomfortable when most people wouldn’t think about it or even care. Their friendship with you is completely unselfish and yours is the same with them. They are completely honest with you. You do not need to explain or tell them of your problems or feelings because they innately know, understand and care, taking away that feeling of loneliness away with even a simple text that could actually have nothing but a full stop in it or an x. They consider you at all times, knowing what you would feel in just about every situation. They know your phobias and fears and no matter how silly, respect them and consider them at all times. You feel safe and secure in their company, a little untouchable bubble of love and loyalty, where all in the bubble are protected and cared for equally. They do not judge you but stand beside you and they hold you up when you are unable to do so yourself.

These are the people that save your life.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

More Experience.

2007-05-31T02:25:00.000+02:00

Chapter 3.

Thought Processes. (Or lack thereof)

My sister went into a loo cubicle to have a quick pee. When she was done she couldn’t open the door. After kicking, bumping the door she eventually jumped off the toilet at the door, severely injuring her shoulder. Still the door did not open. So she climbed into the next-door cubicle only to see that doors infact opened inward. She then proceeded to climb back into her original cubicle opened the door the right way and walked out of the bathroom (this happened just prior to her getting stuck in the ditch).

Cuteness.

In drunken states I have walked into a garage door, fallen over a fire place, fallen down the stairs at Manhattan (getting carpet burn on my arm), fallen off a stool while sitting stool (on many occasion, and not only while drunk), danced on the stage at Kilimanjaro on my OWN in a playboy bunny outfit and danced on many a table.

A couple of weeks ago, I was dropped off at home. My original lift had my house keys and after hiding from the person who dropped me off (so it would seem I had got inside and they would go away!!) I decided to climb the back gate, in knee high pointy stiletto boots. Near the top of the gate I decided this was pointless as I would have to wake my mother up let me in either way and going through the front door would be so much easier. Instead of gently climbing down to the ground, I just let go of the gate, half expecting myself to be just standing at the end of the driveway. Instead I found myself lying on the ground, grazed, bruised and slightly winded. Most of the evening is a complete blank for me but I remember my gate climbing attempt. Apparently after this I phoned my mother to let me in. she opened the front door to find her youngest child on her knees on the front door step, her arms stretched above her, hanging onto the gate, unconscious. Once she had let me in, I went through to the kitchen to make tea but she told me the next morning she didn’t know if there was any left because she had found tea messed on the floor from one end of the house to the other. She calls that night simply “Cuteness’s Bender”

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Experience cont..

2007-05-28T11:00:00.001+02:00

Chapter 2

When not to relieve your body of all alcoholic toxins.

A mother entrusted her 14 year old daughter in the hands of her two older and responsible sons to take her out and enjoy an evening of responsible partying. Now what mother wouldn’t be able to trust that 2 strapping young men would not look after their little and innocent little sister, protecting her from the evils that awaited her in the form of the Neptune Festival. Well it seems this mother had made a slight error in judgment. Upon their (very very late) return home, to a very angry mum waiting at the front door (then you know it’s bad!) the sweet innocent (hugely intoxicated) 14 year old girl greeted her mom with a bright “hi mom” and then her body proceeded to rid itself of its toxins in the pot-plant next to the front door.

A few of us decided to have a girl’s dinner one night and we ended up at The Hat. It turned out to be a particularly large one I must say! On our way home a cop pulled us over to check intoxication levels at which point my mate’s body (in the passenger seat) decided it was time to rid itself of its toxins. She opened the car door and continued to do so for a bit. The cop paused for a bit rather taken aback by this situation. (Specially because I was sitting in the back chanting “breathalyze me! Breathalyze me!”)

After a matric dance after party a friend and I were sitting in her dad’s car as we drove home at roughly 7am. It had obviously been a looooooong night and at EVERY robot she opened her car door to allow her body to rid itself of the toxins that had made their way around her blood stream the entire night. Quite drive home.

End of Chapter 2

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Experience.

2007-05-24T01:41:00.000+02:00

Chapter 1

Every person has at least 3 hugely tacky drunken moments in their lives. Recently chatting to friends and family I realized I could write a book of various drunken LCs that could cure and perhaps enhance others battling the morning after. Here are a few for the hall of fame. (Names have been excluded for self preservation purposes – except for family, they stuck with me no matter what).

Weird Sleeping places…

One friend found herself sleeping on her flat balcony after not having house keys, being unable to wake flat mate by hitting on her window with a broom and climbing over 3 other balconies, 3 times trying to see if their keys fitted her balcony door. Did I mention it was raining? She did however manage to sleep out there till 11 till her mates woke her because she was getting too sunburnt.

Another mate, one who is decidedly tall, got out of his bed, and climbed into the bath to sleep away the rest of the night. I must say, when I discovered him on my way to pee he looked hugely comfortable but I couldn’t understand why he had left a warm bed and gorgeous girlfriend for a bath?! Even if, by some small chance, she had kicked out of the b, there were 2 lovely soft couches on which he could lay his head. We still to this day do not know why he chose the welcoming walls of the bath to rest.

One night my brother decided it was far too much effort to unlock his flat door that was right by the gate he had just come in through. So he walked around to the front garden and chose to sleep in my Wendy house.

My sister, on a drunken camping trip fell in a dug out ditch that was used to mark the different camping areas for different parties. After many failed attempts to get out of the ditch, she decided to just sleep there. The people who had sat and watched her try to battle her way out of the ditch for half an hour eventually rescued her.

Another mate of mine decided that he needed to sleep and wasn’t patient enough to wait for us to finish off our dancing. He vanished. On our way to the car I phoned to find out where he was situated and he told me he was at the car. What he failed to mention was that he was lying next to the car, sleeping on the tar, extremely happy. He then refused to get up because he was comfortable. But this feeling didn’t stop him from moaning that he had to lie on the tar and wait for us (men!).

End of Chapter 1.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

A Book of Faces.

2007-05-20T08:37:00.000+02:00

On many occasions View United has marveled at the addiction and wonder that is Facebook. People spend hours writing on walls, responding to endless threads and searching for long lost familiar faces. When you log onto Facebook there are a list of pokes, your friends that are thinking about you and want to say hi in a little cheeky way that can only make you smile. You can see what people have been doing, where they have been and who they have seen. You can tell by their status whether they are having a good or bad day. You can see when things have gone from being in an open relationship to its complicated to single or who is in a relationship. You can tell whether they threw some name on the weekend just by reading their friends’ teasing remarks. You can find people who read the same books, like the same music or who have studied or studying the same thing as you. Facebook is a marvelous and unbelievable way to maintain contact with your close friends on a daily basis and find people you knew in a previous life from schools or childhood. It is a hugely addictive networking tool that one is constantly surprised by who is longing in to join the Facebook phenomenon.

One thing that I love about Facebook is you get to see where people are now, who they have become. The girl who would pull your pigtails and be mean to you all through primary school is now a mature individual who is happy reconnect with an old friend, throwing out compliments and interested in what you been up to. The girl who was a “less than average” student is just about to complete her doctorate in some ridiculously hard-to-remember thing, but you know it’s hard and interesting. The girl who was going to get married at 21 and have babies by 23 to her high school boyfriend is now single (and loving it) and traveling the globe and experiencing things most people cant imagine. The school nerd is now sporting platinum blonde hair and a skelt (a skirt so short it should be worn as a belt) with a ciggy hanging from her lips, tequila in her hand and a group of men surrounding this carefree and intoxicating woman. The future CEO is now married with twins, a stay-at-home mom and as happy as anyone could ever be. The girl who was spectacular to look at, although you hardly got to see her because she was constantly surrounded by males is now a plain-Jane (peak-too-sooner) and prefers it that way. The fat-girl is looking phenomenal but remains the same sweet, funny and lovely girl she always was (fat-girl syndrome). The girl who was arrogant but completely magnetic to all those that encountered her, is now, well, just arrogant.
Your close friends seem exactly the same, looking at the changes of the other girls, they haven’t changed at all. Although you realize this is because you, as a group, have changed together.

It is always interesting to see how people are, what they are doing and who they have become after years of not seeing them. But once the reconnection has been made and this is established, you are just glad that they are well, happy (I use these words very tentatively) and that you made a connection with someone who at some stage you spent everyday of your life with, for years.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

................

2007-05-18T10:15:00.000+02:00

In the spirit of the Super 14 and just for my good friend Tit I would just like to say one thing today:

GO THE SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cruelty

2007-05-17T11:46:00.000+02:00

I have a confession.

I have 2 dogs. (That is not the confession) Well one cannot call them dogs, they are a step up from Chihuahuas. (That is the confession) They are Pekingese. Yes, Pekingese. As Tit so aptly puts it I would save a fortune on mops because I would just need to shove a stick up their asses and use them. And yes they do look they pummeled into a wall 700 times to create a complete lack of profile. Now we decided when we got these 2 dogs that we wanted the best, champions and we got, well, not champions. (Although we paid for champions). Firstly the one has severe sinus problems and cannot breathe problems so snorts as she breathes heavily. Her bottom jaw also juts out so badly that one could rest their cup of tea on it. The other looks like its father was a cat, her ears are too short and her tail is too long for her and both of their tongues are too long for their mouths and so are permanently sticking out, mouth closed or open, awake or asleep. They are hideous. But extremely cute and have loads of personality. They always run side by side and follow me around the house. They great everyone who walks in the door with great enthusiasm and are in constant competition for attention. If the one sits next to you, the other will sit on your lap, then the other will try to get closer. (Where I don’t know, but they try, even if it includes attempting climbing up a nostril).
They are Tweedledum and Tweedledee (not their real names).

Now they are a little like homing pigeons. They love to run off and explore (this is particularly nerve wracking on a 550 hectare game farm) but they always (ALWAYS) come home. Our complex at home is a circle and our house is in the middle. This is their racing track, where they train for the game farm. Every opportunity they get they bolt out, run around the complex, explore a little at first, then run around like one would run around a track and when they are tired come home, sit at the front door and bark so we come let them in. at first we would go after them to catch them, the one would just ignore us and the other would sprint towards us and at the last second veer to the side in an excellent dodge-a-tackle-rugby-move. They come home, its enclosed, its good exercise, most of the neighbours love them and think they are exceptionally cute and leave them to their devices, they don’t mind them, they don’t bite, bark (properly anyway) and in reality most rats are bigger than they are. Which is why today I was enraged by a certain neighbour!

The security guard passed on a message to say that if this neighbour saw them out again he would kill them. DISGUSTING. Specially considering their Maltese matted (clearly cared for) half breed come up to our gate and barks at them every opportunity it gets! It roams round the complex freely but they will kill our dogs!? I was very proud because this morning the girls got out and pooped on their driveway. (Well done girls! Unfortunately a frog's pooh is bigger than theirs). Now The Don does not care much for the girls, he doesn’t even know their names, but he was enraged and is going to deal with it (I pity the neighbour!)

Now the reason I called this post cruelty is because I have had problems with this family and dogs before. Their brat, I mean, son kicked their puppy one day cause he believed it would be funny. Well I let the little shit I mean boy have it. Another time I caught him and the other complex kids teasing my St Bernard’s (yes once I had real dogs). Now the St Bs were horses really so they were pretty brave, considering there were 2 of them. But it is very easy to tease dogs behind a gate. (That is why when I caught them teasing them I said that if I ever caught them at the gate again I would open it to even the playing field a little – a proud moment for me!). I do not understand how people can abuse their power over animals, the animal’s complete dependency on them. A dog is not a play-thing, if you are not going to love it, don’t get one. That advert years ago when the dog was put back in the present box broke many hearts, probably even the hearts of people who abuse, and continue to, abuse their animals.

Abuse of power is something I shall delve into deeper on another day.

Remain Infinitely Cute (and cruelty free)
XXX

a visit from the stork

2007-05-14T03:27:00.000+02:00

yesterday we had the mother's day lunch but my cousin is up from England and is currently preggies. she is about 5.4 and about 5o kgs (if that) and has this huge soccer ball in front of her, it is hard to believe that she is only 6 months on with one child! she looks absolutely glorious, her cheeks have a wonderful red glow and her skin looks soft and velvety. it is really great to see my cousin so happy and content in life. she has not had an easy run of it, from childhood, and its nice to see things going smoothly.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Meet the Cutenesses.

2007-05-10T01:35:00.000+02:00

So last night we had a little family dinner at a restaurant in The View that has possibly the best seafood available! There was a purpose to this dinner……. Meeting my brother’s new girlfriend. Now generally meeting the family for the first time is a little nerve-wracking. But last night my heart went out to the poor girl! (Who shall be known as Oral-hygienist, for obvious reasons. Ok maybe OH because to write out oral hygienist over and over will probably give me carpal-tunnel.)

Now the table consisted of me (naturally), my sissy (drug dealer or DD), mamma cuteness, sister’s friend (who ironically has the same name AND profession as OH, we will call her Black-lipliner – I know AWFUL – BL), my brother’s friend Spike (his character in Egoli, at least that’s what think he is called) and Beers. The Don was absent due to a meeting at the game farm (looking back he probably would have made the evening less of a carnage!)

So now OH is minute, in fact I didn’t think they made people that size! She weighs a whole 44 kgs and is probably about 5.4 feet tall. (Bearing in mind my brother is 6.2). So naturally when they first arrived, I didn’t see her.

So this tiny thing sits down to meet the Cutenesses. Now firstly we are not small people, Mamma cuteness is by far the shortest at about 5.7. And secondly, if we differ in opinion, the WHOLE restaurant knows about it. (I actually realized last night that I am, in fact, the quieter of the lot. Um WOWEE) if we had to look at those present, BL hits on anything in pants, married or not. My sister, well, has issues that she hasn’t quite solved world peace yet and she is 35! My mother who says exactly what she is thinking, there are no flies on mamma cuteness, Spike, who behaves inappropriately, especially for a man who has known me since before I had boobs! Beers who can make a 3 word sentence a 10 word one just by adding f*ck a few times. As mamma cuteness says, Beers you can’t go around f*cking like you do all the time. (Never a truer thing said, in EVERY sense of the word) And me, the most intelligent, gorgeous and funny of the lot. (Tit the teapot joke is a winner with them!) AND then add 6 bottles of wine, 15 beers, 24 jaggers and 6 tequilas to the mix and you have a minute Afrikaans oral hygienist’s worst nightmare.

During the dinner my brother and sister only came to blows twice, my mom and brother once and the staff was harassed to the point where Beers beat the world record for harassment. My mother manage to fling a langoustine head at OH and my lemon flew into me and then into her. (Slippery little buggars) I flung a cigarette or two across the table, one landing in Spike’s drink and another in his lap. (Not lit yet thank goodness). DD took only 2 myprodol during the whole dinner (another world record) and the sexual innuendos made me blush!

OH managed very well, coping with the chaos that is the Cutenesses. As my brother so aptly said, when she was in the loo of course, FIFO (fit in or f*ck off). Rather a nice philosophy to live by. I only pity the man I take to encounter the family. Being the baby of the family (by a good 10 years) and being the first boy I bring home! Perhaps the first man they will meet will be my husband, on our wedding day!

Another Day in Paradise.

2007-05-08T11:23:00.001+02:00

I am aware that my upbringing and lifestyle was hugely protected, leaving me, to this day, fairly naïve. I am by no means uninformed or ignorant rather unexposed. Recently on an early morning visit to Monte Casino, I was astounded at how depraved people really are.

I am fully aware of this depravity but witnessing it is something completely different. Upon arrival Delicious and I saw this minute boy, who couldn’t have been more than 5 years old. In his one hand he held a teddy-bear bag job and in the other he clutched the behemoth of a security guard’s hand. Hiding behind the security guards leg, while witnesses some form of scuffle, the little boy didn’t look frightened or confused, probably because this scene was all too familiar to him. His platinum blonde hair was short and had an Alfalfa bit sticking up on the crown of his head. His blue eyes were red and it looked as though someone had taken red lipstick and circled his eyes. I looked at him and asked if he was tired, to which he vehemently shook his head. I heard Delicious’s heart break as she heard mine. He was trying to show that he was in fact a big boy and why would a big boy be tired at 3 in the morning? We were ushered away from the little boy and his behemoth baby sitter. Once inside I dashed off to buy the child a choc and one for the security guard because his supervision of the little boy was too precious. Like the chocolate was going to make up for his parent’s neglect. Like the chocolate was going to get him into his bed at a decent hour. Like the chocolate was going to show his mother that her neglect of him could have her arrested. This wasn’t a child who was tired of shopping and needed a treat to keep him happy for a little longer.

On the way back to my friends a woman asked if he was my son, to which I replied no, naturally, I wouldn’t neglect my child in such a disgusting manner. To which she replied, it is tragic, some people are awful, you have such a good heart, and can I have R10?

Upon our reunion, Delicious and I went off to buy everyone a drink. The 2 of us walked through the casino to the bar and were both feeling pretty disillusioned with mankind. While waiting for service, a man came up to us, he had a car guard look about him really, and told us that people were judging him (no?!) and he is not scum simply because he was talking to that whore over there. That whore over there must have been the inspiration for the corpse bride. Her gaunt face only highlighted her blood-shot eyes and this in turn highlighted her black-rimmed teeth. She quickly informed us that she was not a whore and was just here to have fun, she enjoyed chatting to men. We said nothing. She said that she was not with that man, who was now being escorted away from us and shouting I want to know what she is saying about me. He was her stalker of sorts, she believed, and would we help her out if he bothered her again. Again we said nothing. She then started stroking my hair telling me how much she loved it. I quickly assured her we would help her out if it was needed and Delicious and I dashed off with the drinks in hand.

I have never been so happy to see a group of familiar and friendly male faces!

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Dear…..

2007-05-03T11:58:00.000+02:00

Cricket Commentators

I realize this letter comes at rather a late stage but I was plummeted into darkness for a few days. Don’t worry, Alec Erwin is receiving his letter soon.

I have a simple question, do you realize how incredibly stupid and irritating you are. I realize that it isn’t the easiest task but as people you have mostly played the game, you would think you would have a few more intelligent things to share with the viewing public. As a female who has watched cricket for many years I have a few pointers that I feel could work to your benefit!

We do not care that you scored your first first-class century against Abubu in 1910, if we did, we would watch THAT game.
If you say the ball was just to the left of the wicket, it goes without saying that it if was slightly more to the left it would have hit the wickets. I mean, if the wickets were the size of trees they would be easier to hit. While this may seem unrelated, both comments are equally stupid.
By saying that Graeme Smith needs a wicket to stay in the game and ensure victory, this is again stating the obvious. Do you think the viewers for one second that the viewers think he needs a try and a conversion to win?
Saying things like Kallis’s bowling was affected by a back injury and Mahindra bowls from the side because he learnt to play cricket on the beach and this is how the ball bounces on water are of more value than your Abubu century.
When the cricketers swear and throw things out at each other, we WANT to know what they say so tell us. Saying Andre Nel couldn’t resist saying something to Pieterson is NOT sufficient, we want to know what!?
Explaining the reasons for various field placements is also acceptable.

I have just touched the surface here but will continue to find ways for you to improve your skills, you really do not want to be the has-beens who can only find an intelligent thought by looking in between their toes.
I shall be in touch soon,

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

East is East...

2007-04-23T01:40:00.000+02:00

People have lots to say about THE EAST (being the east of JHB). As View united are born and bred in the east, we find ourselves defending the east on many occasions. Now the members of View united (and others obviously) have much to say about Boksburg, the Far East really. (Before I continue I have a confession to make. I grew up in the Burg – hence the mocking from View united and the lucky few who are privy to this information).

Now I moved out of the Burg at the tender age of 10, so I have in fact spent most of my life in the View, most people do not care though. I lived in Sunward Park, went to the all-girls Catholic school and contended with the nuns there for many years. Our neighbors were a special lot. They did not have missing teeth or combs in their socks but they came out with guns when we played tok-tokkie and enjoyed Eugene Tereblanch’s manifesto on more the than one occasion. Living in fairly predominant AWB territory provided much interesting happenings, but that is for another post.

Now the reason I have given this little backdrop is because when I moved to Bedfordview, I came across some very interesting neighbors and so the next time people mock the Burg or in fact the East, just remember this post and that no area is free of smut.

Kelly road could not really be called a road. It looked like someone had stood at the top of a hill and poured tar down to create a “road’. On the left side of the road was a large unkept piece of land that become a quasi-forest. This forest invited many visitors, like cat-sized rats. (This is not an exaggeration. If you think you have seen cat-sized rats, you haven’t ok.). This piece of land was owned by an old couple who lived in a derelict house opposite ours. There was another neighbor who we never saw or heard from. The house next to Silent Bob was occupied by a man whose wife had left him and flown off to Europe. He spent most of his life looking for her because at the time of her disappearance she didn’t know who she was. (These aren’t even the interesting neighbors). In the middle of all this was our house. An oasis. It was a huge mod-style home with a large driveway, 2 granny flats, a single story house with 5 bedrooms, a huge front garden and divine patio. There was nothing small or derelict about our house; it looked like it belonged there like an SLK outside a tin shack. It was past our house that things got very interesting.

The house next door to ours was abandoned, expect for about 20 squatters who lived there. On the left hand side, next to the elderly couple, was a house that was well hidden. This house was the local shebeen, and was exceptionally busy but not as busy as the house a little further up the road. This house was visited by the wealthy men of the View on regular occasions. Yes, the Whore House on the Hill attracted those men who behaved as though they defined the word class. The ladies were often outside sunning themselves by the pool, wearing their lingerie and sheer gowns so people driving up to the house could get a good look at the merchandise.

Yes this was Kelly road, in the middle of Bedforview, in the East, where there is a fair influence of the north and people enjoy a good venture to because essentially it’s not really the East…

Remain Infinitely Cute
Xxx

The difference between cats and dogs.

2007-04-20T09:59:00.000+02:00

Why I like being a woman.

We have an excuse for driving badly.
We can talk our way out of almost any form of trouble.
We get to wear stilettos.
We don’t have to take our shirts off to have our chests admired.
When we wakeup we can still improve what we see in the mirror with makeup and not just hair gel.
We don’t go bald.
We can shave under our arms without being ridiculed.
We don’t show that we are attracted to someone just by standing sideways.
Women’s beauty has launched a thousand ships, what has men’s looks done?
We are the first off sinking ships.
We can wear skirts in extremely hot clubs.
We get jewelry as a present.
We get a diamond ring when we are to get married.
We can kiss our friends and it is seen as a turn.
Our mornings are glorious for different reasons.
We can get away with acting dumb.
We can wear lots and lots of pink, not just have one shirt that some will still mock us for wearing.
Our formal wear varies hugely.
We can get away with being bad at pool.
We pull off long hair better.
We don’t sweat, we glow.
If our arms are skinny and underdeveloped it is not the end of the world.
Our underwear is pretty.
So are our sacred areas.
We can put all our shit in handbags.
Entrance fee is cheaper.
It is easier to get free drinks.
The world doesn’t end when we are sick.
We don't have to take off our pants to show we are cold. And the indication is quite sexy.

To mention a few.

Why I don't like being a woman...

Handbags
Standing while peeing can be extremely advantageous.
There are always queues at bathrooms.
Man gave us a rib and we pay them back in monthly installments.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Breakfast with the Girls.....

2007-04-18T01:23:00.000+02:00

Tit decided last week that us girls had not seen each other in too long and she decided to organise a breakfast at her place for a couple of us. My first initial thought was "Say no, going for meals where Cuteness and Tit all wind up being BAD NEWS" but obviously I say yes straight away!

So I arrive at Tit's place half an hour late, my bad, to a flat full of hung over ladies. Now I can definitely not say that I wasn't feeling hung over from a dinner and the maneater the night before and besides that I was also supposed to bring 2 bottles of champers but couldn't stomach the thought of 2 at the shop on my way. Anyway, there is Doc, Delicious, Cuteness, Tit and another 3 ladies there. I must just mention at this point that Durban and Von Dutch were evicted from the flat, so thanks guys!

I enter the door to Doc standing behind the stove making "scones" with a very pale skin tone, Tit doing something behind her (same pale skin tone), Delicious having a ciggie outside (not as pale skin tone) and Cuteness in all her glory on the couch (VERY pale skin tone!!!). The other 3 ladies looked perfect and I knew straight away that I was not alone in the hung over department, albeit that mine was pretty minor.

Tit says that we are all being pathetic and its time for the champers, so the first bottle is opened, time being 11:30 ish. Doc and I battle with 3 bottles and out of NO where, left field (well the couch), Cuteness comes out on the balcony (not looking very well) and opens the bottles no problem at all! So the champers is now flowing like the Orange River in full flood and the girls start to chat about the night before! Now I was only at the maneater for about 2 hours and the girls only arrived about an hour after me so when I left they were all still fine!!

The proceedings take place between the hours of 02:30 and 04:45:

Cuteness in true Cuteness form manages to spend a good portion of that time in the ladies, don't worry Cuteness will stop there. Well drunk my girl, those Millers did not know what hit them!!!
Doc manages to try and explain what "Love Me" at the end of an sms from a girl means to a random named Chris, don't think he got it though, mind you I didn't really understand the explination either
Delicious did what Delicious does best...DANCE and run back and forth to check on Cuteness
Durban was around, not too sure what he was up to
Tit didn't make it out as she had a "work" lunch, dinner at her mom and drinks at Frankies

Anyway so all these details were discussed over a fantastic breakfast with "scones" that tasted like little bread rolls and a whole LOT of champers, mainly drunk by Tit and myself (something new and unusual). One thing that I must add is that us girls really do know how to laugh!!

This breakfast turned into afternoon drinks and then dinner and more drinks. Total time spent at Tit's house - almost 12 hours!!! One road trip was included during the day and I officially can't listen to Just Jack - Stars in Their Eyes anymore because of it!

Thank you Tit for hosting such an awesome day, we definitely need to make these Girl's "breakfasts" a much more regular thing. But always always make sure that it is after a bender of an evening out in town!

For friendship purposes many of the evenings details were left out. I would hate to dig a big hole I cannot get out of!

Love you too much all my girls!

Have a PMS/CBS free day now

Sweet Pea

P.S. Rodger the dodger is still alive and happily swimming around in his little glass home!

Here comes the bride...

2007-04-17T02:00:00.000+02:00

From the time girls know the word marriage, they are planning theirs. We walk around with pillow cases on our heads, clutching a bunch of flowers and wearing a make-shift wedding dress. If we are very lucky our mothers keep their wedding dresses and so you are pretty close to the real thing. We know the correct speed and timing that we must walk down the isle to the famous wedding march. We all dream of our prince charming and know what colour tie he will be wearing and how his hair will be done. This is all before the age of 7.

When we hit our teens, this dream of perfect marriage is still there but no pillow cases are in sight. The dress, groom and colour scheme has (hopefully) changed but what hasn’t is the fact that we know exactly how things will be. We have a little more information on the wedding night and depending on the age, dream of being the virgin bride in some seductive little number. (This too changes with time). We do not wish for our wedding day but know it will be in the far future, when you are quite old (bout 24, I mean that ancient. Have to be married by then).

As we get closer to a fairly decent marriage age, we realize there is no such thing as a virgin bride and the seductive little number consists of less satin and more lace (or leather, depending what blows your hair back). Not only do we know what size our engagement ring will be, but we know the cut, setting and various styles that we like. In fact we have researched this. Stopping at jewelry ads and looking and deciding what you like, walking past the jewelry store and gazing at the large sparkly diamonds with wide excited eyes. We have discussed who our bridesmaids are and what type of style dress they will be wearing. Of course this has also been researched and discussed with the ladies concerned in great detail. We know which one will want a long dress because she doesn’t like her calves, which one wants a flowy skirt because her hips look big in tight things and we know if our hair is going to be in a simple up style or left down. We have a selection of songs which could be used as the ‘first dance’ song. Our colour scheme, dress and groom have once again changed. We have discussed with our proposed bridesmaids that we are to be dressed to kill, looking very sexy at our bachelorettes and NOT like that chick we saw on the weekend. At this stage 24 is far too bloody young to be getting married (it’s really not that old you know!) and the concept of marriage terrifies us hugely (but still the day is planned or being planned to perfection). In fact at this time in our lives we are more excited about the prospect of being a bridesmaid and all the perks that go along with that!!! We take bets as to who is going to be the first down the isle in that beautiful white dress (ahem).

And, before I forget, the honeymoon. Where it doesn’t matter if there lots of things to see and do, (as long as it’s a fairly exotic place) as we will be seeing and doing only ONE thing.

Funny how with all the wedding day preparation, we don’t seem to give much thought to the marriage itself and the fact that planning the wedding is just a scratch on the scratch of the surface of work to be done in order to have a successful life with the man you love. After all that’s the easy part right? As long as you look absolutely gorgeous on your day and it is in fact, the perfect wedding!

Remain infinitely cute

Text to know you

2007-04-11T03:43:00.000+02:00

Beers and my sissy are particularly hard on their cell phones. So recently they decided it was completely pointless to get the top of the range, shiny and sparkly little phone because in a weeks time the screen would be cracked, the body of the cell phone chipped and scratched and the buttons would no longer work. My brother ventured to a shop that sold new phones that instead of saying “Nokia 350” would say “NNokia 350” or along those lines… He bought 2 of those indestructible type guys, the ones with rubber round the edges to protect it when you drop it and everything is waterproofed for when you drop it in your beer. He paid a whole 700 ZA Rant each for these new phones.

Once they were fully charged as per instructed, my sissy put her sim card in and switched it on only to discover that she had in fact received a second hand “new” phone. There was a whole list of phone numbers, texts and photos all on the phone. We were tempted to phone up the previous owner and ask if they had their phone stolen from them recently.

We learnt from the various text messages that the girls name is Fiona, and her close friends called her Fi. She lives in England and is single but most of her friends are in fact married. One of them was pretty preggies round the end of last year, while another had given birth to a little baby boy. Another friend had had twins (seriously what are they putting in the water with all these preggy people) a few months prior and another’s move into their new home went rather well. (this is a very busy group of people) a friend of hers wished our dear Fi a happy New year pretty early as she was prone to get very drunk and lose her cell phone. Mike Ordus was very excited for their date on Saturday, which judging by the follow up text went very well and he hoped to see her again soon. One of her friends had been terrible and hadn’t contacted her in a while and they should meet up at the pub soon to catch up. She had met the most wonderful man and wished to tell her all about him (no wonder the contact had been bad!)

Once we had read all the texts in the inbox, I felt myself slightly disappointed. I wanted to carry on my little soirée into this woman’s life, I felt like I knew her. I wanted to text Shanna and ask her how little Richard was doing; last I had heard he had just popped out the womb. And the twins? Are they talking yet? Causing the young parents to pull out their hair yet? And Fi? How did things go with Mike, are they still together, is he the ONE? I feel like I know you so well and have so much in common with you. How do you deal with being one of the last single people in your group of friends? And the friend that dumped you for her new man? Was he that wonderful, or did he leave her broken hearted and alone? And why do YOU think some girls do that, find a man and you never see them? Or have I got it wrong, is that how it works? Is there no balance between the 2?

It is truly amazing what you can learn about a person from a few lines of text. How you can get to know them through their mates’ reactions and words used when ‘speaking to them’

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Talking while saying Nothing.

2007-04-10T00:31:00.000+02:00

Recently I was chatting to a good mate of mine. A friend of his had broken up with his long-term girlfriend who he seemed to absolutely adore. I didn’t quite understand what had happened because, as an outsider, they had seemed like the perfect couple who would go the distance. He explained things from the guy’s perspective. The girl, who had come from a very well-known and wealthy family, was studying a particularly tedious degree that would result in her being a much respected professional. This from the boyfriend’s perspective was intimidating as he was from a rather humble background and his degree, while not simple, would not result in a specific profession. The fact that this girl was definitely going places eventually took its toll on the boyfriend and he ended it. This statement led me down a path of thought that took me from Paris Hilton to Simone de Beauvoir and even the French porn movie Emmanuelle.

It is said that girls perform better in single sex schools. One imagines that in the 21st century that females are no longer ‘dumbing themselves down’ in the presence of men so to come across as a less intimidating and more appealing. If one had to picture an intellectual female she would be wearing a long neutral colour skirt below the knees a white blouse, drab mousy hair in a ponytail, flat sensible shoes and tortoise-shell glasses. She would be clutching a book to her chest. A regular ‘plain Jane.’ One imagines a sexy woman; she is blonde, tall, slim, barely clothed, large breasteses, big red lips and a bimbo. (Of course I am generalizing here). Why is this? Can a woman not be beautiful and intelligent? Can her intelligence not make her beautiful as apposed to plain? And why is an intelligent woman so intimidating, not only to men, but to other woman?

Simone de Beauvoir is a French female icon. Why? She was not a model or designer or actress but an intellectual. She was born in 1908 and at 21 moved to Paris to study philosophy at the Sorbonne. She then was one of the first women to be accepted to the Ecole Normale Superieure, the French answer to Oxford. In 1928 she met her life partner, the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre and remained with him till his death. She is most famous for her book The second sex, published in 1949, a ground-breaking feminist work. For some she is seen as the initiator of real female emancipation. Now try and picture this woman? Someone who was an outspoken feminist, involved to a serial cheating philosopher. I’m sure (maybe) she is no Angelina Jolie and (he is no Brad Pitt.) However, recently this intellectual pair was compared to this glamorous Hollywood couple. Not for any other reason but to turn them into glamorous sex symbols. And why? Because the French VALUE intellect. They find intelligent women to be sexy and appealing. For the French, a part of a woman’s sexual animalistic appeal is her strong and clever mind. And so French women spend their time stimulating their minds by attending art galleries, reading meaningful literature and having heated, complex intellectual discussions. There is no ‘dumbing themselves down’ to come across as less intimidating and more appealing. After discovering this attitude toward intellect, Simone de Beauvoir is no longer the mousy-haired plain Jane but a tall, slender, glamorous seductress who teased men with her intellect and seduced them with her body and mind.
Emmanuelle (basically Emmanuelle went to Thailand and had a lot of sex, as one does) the famous French porn movie based on the book written by Emmanuelle Arsan (pseudonym) is full of philosophy. The French find it difficult to separate body, mind and soul and even this character finds this a difficult task ‘When I have an orgasm, it’s my spirit having an orgasm in my body; it’s not my body returning to some earlier bestial state! You want the spirit to take only pleasure in itself. Why? Life is wonderful throughout, in flesh as well as the spirit.’

Now on the other end of the spectrum, Paris Hilton. She is by no means an intellectual icon. In fact many would argue that she could not pronounce the word intellectual and define the word icon. Now I happen to think, although some don’t agree, that she is a stunning woman. (A man once told me he believes I am hotter than she, and should the opportunity arise I shall show this man exactly how much I appreciated the compliment, continuously for 2 weeks and then everyday after that, for the rest of our lives). But one thing that most people strongly disagree with me about is that Paris Hilton is in fact, quite an intelligent individual (and no it’s not because she is also of Scandinavian decent). What exactly is this annoying blonde famous for? Nothing. People cannot stand her, what she stands for or her various antics and yet they cannot get enough of her. If we look at her less famous sister, she has displayed a keen business sense and intelligence and how did I initially refer to her? The less famous sister. No dumb blonde turns around when her sex tape comes out and says go ahead and sell it, people are going to see it, they have seen it, there is very little I can do BUT I want a percentage of the profits. Dumb hey?
Paris Hilton has made millions of her own and remains famous despite doing very little worthy of her notoriety. People say it is because of her last name. But her sister shares this name and her looks, but is not as famous or as talked about. Part of Paris Hilton’s appeal is her stupidity. Which is, to a large extent, in my opinion, an act. I wonder where Paris would be if she didn’t dumb herself down? Famous in France only perhaps?

While most women seem to be behaving as though they are silly, stupid and simple, young girls with role models like Paris Hilton, French women are seducing men with their incredible sex appeal which in part if formed by their proud display of their keen intellect and strong knowledge. There is a fascination was with French women, their flawless style, fabulous figures, sophistication and the ability to tie a scarf in a hundred and one different ways. All of this seems innate and books have been written about French women and their amazing secrets. Think I will have to read some more on the French women to understand this fascination and maybe pick up a few tips.

Luckily not all men appreciate the silliness and like their women with a brain and a good pair of legs.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

High Maintenance

2007-04-04T04:54:00.000+02:00

Well hair is not a girl’s friend. We spend our time plucking, shaving, waxing, trimming and dying. One can eliminate the hair removal problem with permanent laser hair removal. Although there is nothing like sitting in a disposable g-string with an ice-pack giving you frost-bite on your va-jay-jay with your legs spread and twisting in unnatural ways while a woman sits there wearing protective eyewear zapping away your hairs. There is less dignity in that then having it waxed, if one can believe it. Luckily underarms aren’t so intrusive so every second month I get a reprieve. Shaving is also no fun and I cannot wait until I'm big to have my leg-hairs lasered let me tell you. Every time I shave my legs I need a blood transfusion, shaving something I just haven’t mastered. Plucking isn’t painful literally but it is a pain in the ass.
And then there is the hair on the head. Hair that is my length is very very high maintenance! At least I no longer spend 3 and a half hours (yes 3 and a half) in the hairdresser since I returned to my brunette roots. Being blonde is just ridiculous to keep looking decent and not like someone dropped shoe-polish on my roots.

So today I headed off to the hairdresser for my monthly trim. An hour later I come out looking like an Elvive model, there is a gust of wind and my hair wushes up making me look just worth it.
Now I love it when people play gently with my hair, gives me such nice goosies! And never mind the head massage you get while having your hair washed. Its complete bliss. Then this woman walks in with this nasal voice that goes straight through my head. I look up and see a +/- 70 year old woman with a huge blonde quaff and so much makeup I can hardly believe there is any left in the world. Her eyeliner is similar to what I imagine Tutankhamen would wear. Thick solid black lines just above and below the lash line, extending to her mid-temple. She was wearing a little brown lace cammy (70years) and no bra (70). The dart-things that are usually just below the bust line were sitting above her breasteses. TOOO MUCH

Now this completely pointless and unrelated semi-rant results on 2 toasts….
To permanent hair removal which I will use everywhere possible!
And to growing old gracefully.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Idle Hands

2007-04-02T10:23:00.000+02:00

They say idle hands are the Devil’s tools. This weekend I found myself in a rather pensive state where it occurred to me that the in fact, idle hands is the Devil’s playground. When you are busy, your mind is occupied, focusing on the task at hand. When there is little occupying one’s mind, we find a way to occupy it. This is where the Devil begins to play, making your best asset an enemy, stirring up feelings of self-loathing and doubt. He creates a strong dislike for not only yourself but all people, slowly picking away at your faith in human kind. Your mind wonders to a place that is dark, filled with the wrongs that have left permanent aching sores on your soul.

There is the usual things that play on my mind, the ones I try not to think too much about otherwise my little perfectly controlled world will fall apart. But they are always there, when I’m studying, working or laughing and having fun with my friends, they never leave me. They are so intrinsically apart of you that even though you wish to exorcise yourself of these demons, you never will. They are part of you, like your eyelashes and lips. This weekend, this is not where my mind ventured, I wonder when it will because this is a place I need to visit and haven’t.

With my mind wondering, I tried to busy myself but this did not work. It has been playing on me and so I thought perhaps to write it, it would finally leave me, offer me some resolve on this issue. I stood looking at my reflection for a while, knowing how I see myself and wondering how others see me. I focus on the reactions and behaviours of men, as this is what has sent me to this place. I look at myself and see someone who has thoughts and feelings, opinions and reasons. But clearly men do not see this. They see a thing, something that is there for their enjoyment. I have no worth or value. No input. When they hear stories of men and their disregard for females, they act shocked and say they hate such men, women are there to be adored and treated with respect. I have yet to meet these men.

Perhaps it is my fault, because not all women are treated like I am and the treatment seems to follow me, remaining the same, only the men are different and my life stages. Do I encourage the disrespect, the treatment that’s upsets me and makes me feel vile. I look around and see some women being treated like princesses and I am nothing but a piece of meat, meaningless and unworthy. And yet I am tired of being treated like meat, something to be toyed with, regardless of my wishes, and then tossed. I look at my friends and try emulating their behaviour, the behaviour that seems to avoid such treatment, but mostly unsuccessfully.
So clearly the problem is with me, I encourage it. Maybe it doesn’t follow me but I seek it, ask for it, deserve it.

And so the Devil played well, despite my efforts to remain out of this place.

Meet Beers..

2007-04-01T09:47:00.000+02:00

Meet Beers.

On Friday, after a little family dinner for the pair of runts, we headed off to Frankie Bananas. Doc, Durban, Delicious and Token were all there and my brother and his mate joined us. Was a fairly good evening but having my brother there made things very interesting, simply because of who he is….

Beers, which he will now be known as, is called this for two reasons. Firstly when he introduces himself people often think he is saying I’m Beers, it’s very similar to his name and secondly because he can drink like no one I have ever seen, it is ridiculous.

Beers is the kind of man that every other man should fear and every mother and female loves. He just has to look at a female and she is ready to bear his children. He, essentially, is a womanizing superhero with powers rendering the opposite sex defenseless. (I have to wonder why some of this magic was not passed onto me, the injustice I tell you) We cannot have dinner in a restaurant without the waitress hitting on him. My mother is a teacher at his old high school and when he goes there the female teachers, even the ones that taught him, look at him so that he (and I quote) “feel like I need a shower afterwards.” He has had women ready to leave their fiancés after spending just a few hours with him. He has had a few crazy girlfriends who ended up stalking him along with their mothers!!!

He was a national cyclist (with lots of toned cyclist friends in lycra mmmmm.) until a car accident prevented him from competing at a professional level and so he started to work like most of the population before going into semi-retirement a year and a half ago.

A few weeks after my twenty-first I discovered that he had successfully felt up every single one of my female friends. I suspect this could have been the case on Friday (apologies friends) and he gave every male mate a hard time whilst plying them with alcohol. He did however, find a long lost brother in Durban.
His friend, an actor on Egoli, met a few fans, which was hysterical. Nothing like a bunch of huge Greek type guys acting like giddy little school-girls over some EGOLI ACTOR. There was a rather inappropriate comment from him, which luckily Beers dealt with (he has his uses).

Meet Beers. My crazy, supremely intelligent (no really), womanizing elder brother.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Till Death.

2007-03-30T01:40:00.000+02:00

This week is my parent’s 37th anniversary. It’s a little frightening because my parents don’t seem old enough to be married for that long! My mom was 21 when she got married and 24 when she had my sissy. My moms look at me and said I still think of you as a children but I was married and a mother at your age. And I’m still scared of the dark, nevermind having to tell a little one that there is nothing to be afraid of when the lights go out…

In the spirit of this I decided to post about a bet that was made a couple of weeks ago.

Who will be the first to fall?!

Participants: Cuteness, Tit and Sweet Pea.
The pot: R3000.
The bet: Who will be the first to get engaged before the 9th March 2009?
Tit’s money is on Sweet Pea
Cuteness’s and Sweet Pea’s money is on Tit.
Note: No one’s money is on me! If I am the first to fall, then I get the entire pot. (Unlikely)
No grooms where named in the making of this bet.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Teenagers really do know it all!!!

2007-03-27T02:44:00.000+02:00

I heard a very interesting report on the news this morning and when I got into work I went and found the article on it.

A leading pharmaceutical company, a global one I might add, brought out a fruit juice in New Zealand that claimed to have the highest Vitamin C content compared to all the other competitors' products on the market. It further claimed that its black currant flavour had 7 times more Vitamin C content than oranges do. Now I studied food and I know that to make a claim on a label and to advertise a statement like that is a huge huge thing. The processes that you have to go through to get everything approved and validated by the Food and Drug Administration, in my opinion is far too much effort. It really really is a huge mission and it takes months and months of testing and experiments. So this company then advertises all over the press and it's label that it contains this ridiculous amount of Vitamin C and obviously their sales boom with our ever increasing health conscience consumers. Anyway two little high school girls, aged 14, decided to conduct a class science experiment to test the content of the Vitamin C this product claimed to contain and these two little lighties found that it had ZERO Vitamin C in it at all. They then took it to higher levels to get tested more efficiently and their findings were indeed correct. These two little budding Einsteins then went to this company and were ignored over and over and over again, until more influential people got involved and now they have been found guilty. They have been fined over US$160 000 and my best part is that they have to run adverts apologising and stating very clearly that their product does not in fact contain the vitamin content it so previously claimed to.

The more I think about the more it makes me wonder how on earth did the manage to make all those statements and claims in the first place? Does New Zealand not have the same strict marketing and advertising legislation regarding food labels as we do? And how can a leading pharmaceutical company actually do that in the first place?

Society has become so obsessed with healthy food products that your average joe now reads food labels too when making food choices. Do all these big companies now think that if they just slap a Heart Foundation or High in Vitamins and Minerals statement on their labels they will increase their sales volumes? As much as I thought that bus of a legislation, that I unfortunately had to study I might add, was such a mission and I hated it, I now realise just how necessary it actually is. I have a sneaky suspicion we might be hearing a lot more of these types of stories in the future after this little high school science experiment landed one of the world's leading pharmaceutical giants in the proverbial crap!!!

Have a PMS/CBS free day now

Sweet Pea

Player Update

2007-03-26T16:33:00.000+02:00

View United is battling! We have lost some of our best players, including recent MPPs. The situation is diabolical with 2 players sitting on the bench and only 1 player scoring goals. Here is a recent player summary.

Coach and masters are still participating in friendlys as they have been from the beginning. Their roles remain the same and they perform them with the same high levels of skill as before.

Doc has gone into retirement. In fact, she barely participates in friendlys. Although she does come to the match, she just sits on the bench absorbed in Durban. Yes, Durban was the one that forced our reigning MPP into retirement. In fact, one could say they are the admin staff of View United. This is because their admin has created some interesting situations. The rest of the team, like most people, cannot stand the admin but it appears they have to deal with it. Needless to say the admin is ALWAYS silly, which just frustrates the team more. However, Durban now has someone to dye his hair for him.
The storms along the coast line recently were not cause by the alignment of the earth, moon and sun as people seem to believe. It was in fact caused by Durban’s disgust over being called a groupie, he believes he should be on the team. I did however manage to show him that he didn’t want the stigma and public humiliation of scoring an own goal. Incest is still a crime here, we are not in Utah people.

Tit is also in retirement but she participates in friendlys whenever the aging family does not require feeding at their birthday dinner. Her groupie, though not new on her scene, is a bit of a new-comer to The View United Fan/groupie Club. Von Dutch(man) has made few appearances because he has been away so not much to report on him just yet, I’m hoping to see a little more from this groupie as the others have been so committed in the past.
Token and myself have found our way back to the bench. Actually Token never left the bench in all honesty. Although he attempted to kick something the other night, it wasn’t actually for any form of game play and he kicked me instead, bruising my ankle.

Our MVP Delicious is the only one earning her paycheck! She is now the MPP too. Watching this girl play is jaw dropping. Her skill and perfection are so evident, her game play is smooth and confident as she commands the field. When out on the field the other teams are attracted to her like moths to a flame baby!!! She is carrying View United, like Johnny Wilkinson carried the English team to victory through the last world cup. Delicious will not suffer any pain (particularly in her back) for carrying the weight that is View United as her skills are unmatchable and irresistible.

What looked like a promising season for the team has turned into a season scarred by scandal and player loss. The vast number of their supporters are worried about the remaining players and the evident lack of commitment shown by the other players.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Happily Ever After my ASS

2007-03-26T11:14:00.000+02:00

Why is it that the people who deserve the most in life never actually get it? And the people who don't deserve it...get it ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Possibly the most selfish, useless person I know in this world gets everything handed to them on a silver platter...whilst another person close to me gets nothing. The latter has to work her ass off to make ends meet...and never complains doing it. Still she finds time to be there for everyone else in her life. She never puts herself first...But come the time that she truly needs help, the one person who is able to give it to her refuses, because she apparently 'ruined his life' a lifetime ago...

I struggle to see how she ruined his life when he is sitting pretty financially and emotionally, and is happy in his new life. The new life happens to be with the above mentioned selfish, lazy bitch which is where my dilemma comes in...

How do I continue to show respect to this person when all she does is think about herself and how she can keep up with the Jones' that are her friends? Sincerity and genuineness certainly don't feature in her vocabulary. But man is she good at faking it...

So, in a nutshell, you have a man...let's call him Bob. You have a lazy, useless excuse for a decent woman...we will call her Slob. And you have a wonderful, caring, loving woman...let's call her Love (please excuse creative nightmare on the names).

Bob and Love end their relationship. Bob continues to punish Love for years on end...for what? I wish i knew...Bob then finds Slob and convinces himself that he is happy with her and together they make Love (doubtful :))...make Love - the person - and everyone else close to her's life a living hell...

Marriage = wonderful
Divorce = a f*cking disaster
Divorce + Slob + a very changed Bob = quarter life crisis for myself !!!!!!!!!!!!

I have had my moan...Next post will be full of fun and laughter I promise - just have to get drunk and make another ass out of myself first :)

Have a good week all...
Yours in Monday/Divorce Blues
Tit

Flowers

2007-03-23T02:01:00.000+02:00

A bunch of roses arrived in my favorite colour.
They really are beautiful.
The card was sweet.
So why do I feel so shocking?

Out for a Golden Duck

2007-03-22T00:48:00.000+02:00

I have this alarming skill of making a complete ass of myself and last night I did such a perfect job that I had the entire Dodgy Rodger adding in their little bit on the event.

Infinite Cuteness walks up to the wicket. The crowds and fellow team mates watch with antici…..pation. She approaches the wicket. Before she takes her stance, she does her signature hair flick and prepares for the ball that will soon be flying at her at great speed. The crowd holds their breathe……… The other team yells with glee, Cuteness is out… for a GOLDEN DUCK!

Ok, granted this is a little cryptic. So, last night, while desperately looking for a place to put our bums last night, I saw some stools standing wide open. I rushed over, reading to plonk my ass on one. A girl told me that her boyfriend and some mates were sitting there. I looked at her ever so coyly, slowly started to sit and suggested they stand for a bit….. At which point I realized that I was putting my bum down on fresh air! In slow motion I fell to the floor! Now I wasn’t drunk, was on my first drink which was half full (note: first drink – first ball – out = golden duck). And no it was not in a little tucked away corner or in a very empty restaurant. It was smack bam in centre of a very packed Jolly! The girl helped me up. My friends had walked off, but they did not realize I had fallen. Durban said “I turned around and u were there then turned back and you were gone! Then this girl said that I just walked off and left you after you fell, and she called me a C@#$.” People watched as I told my friends of my story, blushing and giggling. They laughed and smiled at me trying to make it seem ok. I just felt small. Very very small.

Needless to say I have a bruised bum, back and tricep. Being renowned for my clumsiness I haven’t had a spectacular fall in a long while, this one makes up for the rest of 2007!

Girl on girl action.

2007-03-19T16:01:00.000+02:00

Last week I headed off to the optometrist. So I’m sitting in the office waiting, looking at the structure of the eye and contacts that make your eyes violet. When in walks the optometrist. Now usually this usually isn’t an event but she was someone I went to school with! Not that that was the bad part, she was a year BELOW me. Oh my gosh, panic ensues, I’m sure she is going to poke out my eyes with her pen while asking me to look at the giant E. She doesn’t. Instead things go as all eye tests do. I walk out to pick some new frames. Now the girl from school looks at me in the frames I have selected and tells me I have a face for glasses, I should be a glasses model. Enter the SHMODEL pose. (It seems to follow me everywhere and pop up in the most bizarre places!) Finally someone who agrees with me, I should be a model. (Hahaha)

Now this encounter made me recall my school days. My entire school career was spent in schools which were all-girl institutions. My primary school was a catholic school, with all the trimmings. Nuns, Religion everyday, 2 hour masses and monthly religious retreats. My high school was not a convent with no nuns with rulers (eventually the red swollen knuckles healed). Although the 2 schools were very different, the unspoken rules that all the girls followed remained the same. These are as follows.

There are 4 core groups in every year. The Academics. They quietly get on with their many academic triumphs without causing too much of a stir. The Ass-Kissers. They are not as clever as The Academics, but achieve through hard work. They are the girls that sacrifice the other girls in the year just to make themselves look better. (These are the girls whose mom did all their work for them in primary school). The Rebels. These girls didn’t over achieve or under achieve. They spent most of their time in trouble. If something happened that was considered “unacceptable” behaviour, these were the girls who were looked at first, generally because they were responsible. Finally The A Team. These are the girls who were general over-achievers in sport and academics. They were fun and could get away with odd bad behaviour. This is the group where you would generally find your head-girls and prefects…
The girls in younger standards are generally the enemy, despite the friendly hellos in the hallway and hugs and kisses at boy-school socials.
Each group in every year has a specific spot where they sit EVERY break. No one is to sit in a groups spot, regardless of superiority. If this rule is broken a silent war ensues. This may eventually turn into a physical war as I learnt in Std 5.
If a girl in a younger year dates an ex-boyfriend of an older girl, chaos ensues. There are no group divides here, it is year on year war here people. I’m afraid being ‘traded in for a younger model rage’ doesn’t just come into play when you are 40. This too can turn into a physical battle, which I again learnt in Std 5. (catholic girls are rough ok)

Now seeing this girl from school brought back memories of just how ridiculous girls can be. All the bitchiness and gossiping really was so pathetic and unnecessary. We all had pretty much the same insecurities and all feel like every female on the planet is against us. A couple of years down the line and we can all sit and chat nicely as if none of that bickering ever happened, still feeling awkward from our silliness at school. Hindsight is really 20/20. Mine isn’t though and my new pink glasses look absolutely smashing on my fabulous self *shmodel pose*

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Who are the real animals?

2007-03-19T11:33:00.000+02:00

A few months ago, a few of us decided to head off to JHB zoo. Now I had never been to a zoo and judging from the expression on my mothers face when I told her I was going, I knew exactly why. We arrived and I was instantly disturbed. Nothing worse than seeing African Elephants with a chain around their ankles and a brown bear with a plastic bottle in its mouth. When we got to the chimps I watched the interaction between the people watching and the chimps. When the chimps clapped, the people clapped. When the chimps pointed to a person, they would do something stupid or lift up the food they were holding. I watched in a rage and then it occurred to me, who exactly was teasing who, who actually were the performing animals?
Needless to say I find zoos repulsive and abusive to animals. Watching the polar bear display the behaviour that is typical of animals in captivity broke my heart even further, especially because I have seen these magnificent creatures in their natural habitat, as with most of the animals in the zoo.

Now this is not just another of my random ramblings. Last night I'm sure many of you saw the animal footage on Carte Blanche. Few things seem to move me in any way these days but the shots of the leopard and baby baboon left me speechless and covered in goosies. As I sit here now thinking about it, I am once again covered in goosies. The female baboon had tried to kill the leopard’s young and to save its baby’s life, the leopard killed the baboon. But the baboon had the tiniest of babies and the leopard then spent the rest of the night caring for this tiny creature. It was something, to me, that represented the true meaning of life. Unfortunately the baby died due to the cold but the leopard did its best to care for it.

People kill, rape and steal. They destroy the lives of other people and even children. More often than not these acts are not committed as a means to survive (no person needs to rape another individual or child to get food) but for some sick pleasure. In the wild, all actions are about survival. They say people are different from animals because they have the ability to reason, the ability to distinguish between right and wrong.

I wonder who the real animals are.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

No Prada for Sweet Pea

2007-03-19T03:58:00.000+02:00

I watched The Devil Wears Prada two weekends ago and whilst it was a very enjoyable movie and the shoes were just SOOOOO beautiful and made me so jealous, it made me realise just how big office politics are. Now Meryl Streep was just a flat out cow but it got me thinking about my office politics even more than I already do.

Now its no news that I don't find my job particularly enthralling or stimulating but let me tell you the politics in this office are MIND BLOWING. You not only have the big big boss who occasionally sleeps with the boss one below her in the royalty rank order (and he is married with child number 2 on the way to boot), the condom wrappers that are found under the couches in the hallways, and the occasional hook up of people at the bar on a Friday evening. The office hook up politics aside, and I definitely live by the "DO NOT DIP YOUR PEN IN COMPANY INK its just plain stupid" motto, the other everyday politics makes Days of Our Lives and The Bold and the Beautiful look like an episode of Teletubbies. It is unbelievable!!!

The company I work for is made up of various brands and they all merged 2 years back under one name which is the company I work for. So this happened 2 years back yet there is still the big US versus THEM mentality. Enter Sweet Pea in her new position which involves doing product training amongst the various brands. Oh my goodness gracious me. If I could tell you the "Who the hell do you think you are" looks that I get and the "What the hell do you know at your age" attitude it makes my head spin. Now I am there for THEM, I provide training for THEIR benefit and am essentially there for anything THEY could possibly need when it comes to training. Now I don't know about you but when I started working I would have loved it if someone was there for me so that I could learn about the stuff that I am now coincidentally training them about. So I now have this GIGANTIC brick wall that I now have to try and forge me way through. I have adopted the keep it simple stupid attitude now and it seems to be getting slightly better, the last time I was up there I actually got a friendly hello. Its a start, not expecting much more in the near future though.

Now I have been transferred over to a different manager who is also my General Manager, who is also a female. Now let me just try and explain the fact that we have a CEO and a General Manager that are both female, does not sit well in my previous managers eyes. Now my previous manager is very male and very RIGHT all the time and he just cant seem to let go of managing my role. Enter office politics number 1093, he has an issue with my General Manager and in my current person I report to directly to her, so he interferes all the time and thus traps me into a sexist, political, very uncomfortable triangle. Now don't get me wrong I don't mind him at all, he has always been nice to me but he is a bit of a pot stirrer and thus gets me shoved right into the middle of a battle field with no armour or weapons. I am at the end of the day far too trusting and naive so I don't see it coming at all!

Now as much as i would love to stand up and say "Listen bud BACK OFF and let me get on with my job in peace!!!!", sigh......I cant do that. So here I sit in World War III, in the middle of the battle field, alone in a trench and unfortunately with no Prada shoes at all!

Have a PMS/CBS/Office Politic free day now

Sweet Pea

P.S. Rodger is still alive and well, almost a month later!!!!!

It has begun...

2007-03-13T09:28:00.000+02:00

So the other day on Facebook, I came across an old friend. I went to his Matric dance back in the day and it was good to make contact again. It turned out he is now engaged, which is fantastic news really. So I was telling the parents about how I had managed to get in touch with him again and my mother’s face lit up. “He was such a nice boy, you should see him again. He did like you once.” Ok true he did have a crush on me but I didn’t reciprocate, and some years later I can look back and say that I missed out on a good man there. Mind you he did buggar off to England, fight in the war…. I inform my mother that he is engaged and living in England………. And it starts…….

(Please note for ease of typing, my thoughts will be in BOLD)

“I think you scare boys off, you horrible to them.” No ALEX scares them and I am a very nice person thank you very much! “What about what’s his face, he had a thing for you I’m sure.” Clearly he made an impression on you though, you calling him what’s his face. “And what about so and so? Didn’t you quite like him? No mom so and so has a VERY serious girlfriend. Their hip attachment operation was a huge success by the way. “O. But you know lots of boys, do you like none of them? This is because you are horrible to them you know” We are mates mom, don’t you know, I'm THAT girl. And I’m not horrible, ok well only to vultures and hyenas abut they deserve it and… “Your problem is you don’t make a move on the boys you like. Boys are shy too you know, maybe if you made a move on one of them you would see that these ‘friends’ actually like you.” Did you just tell me to make a move and after interrupting my thoughts? What is that? "Anyway you 24 now, need to start having decent mature relationships with boys so you can figure out what type you like and things.” Mom, you are an English teacher, mature and a boy together is an oxymoron. And boys aren’t a problem, its men that are few and far between! “Ask tit and sweet pea if they know any nice boys for you, I’m sure they do, you know!”

She then heads off to rehearsal (she is directing the school play) leaving my father and me to putter around in a comfortable silence. The Don is a man of few words and we had chatted quite a bit today so I couldn’t imagine what else he would need to know. Besides cricket was on, all I had to do was finish up the cooking, then clean up, make the coffee and plonk in the lounge. BUT THEN HE STARTS… I nearly fell off my chair, (it was like that time I saw him actually petting one of our dogs, he doesn’t even know their names and we have had them for 2 years!!) (Once again bold rule applies.)

I thought what’s his face quite liked you” nope. “And so and so” just friends.
“Ok, any other guys on the scene?” ‘Fraid not dad. If you had bought me A new pair of breasteses like a asked a few years back, maybe things would have been different! To that he just kinda giggled and said he will have his coffee in the lounge.

And so the pressure has begun. I can just see the 2 of them chatting in bed. “You know, cuteness is 25 this year. She isn’t going to have her limited looks forever, and she isn’t that smart. We have to marry her off quickly.” “But she is so horrible to boys. I’m going to ask brother cuteness if he has any nice friends.”

Ok I don’t think the conversation has quite gone like this but she has indeed asked my brother if he has some nice friends for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I had had this problem about a year ago but things eased up. Now it seems the pressure is back. Perhaps a date will happen soon and then there will be reprieve for a while, or will that make it worse……

(psst don't forget to read the other 2 posts from 2day, Durban did a good job!)

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

A Cameo....

2007-03-13T03:21:00.000+02:00

Introducing our very first male post, from our dear and beloved Durban. He felt the need to share this story on PMS and CBS as perhaps he was in fact experiencing some PMS himself, which clouded his otherwise good judgement...
GIVE IT UP FOR DURBAN.........

Why men were just never meant to dye their hair...

It is unfortunate that at the tender age of 22 I have begun my downward spiral to middle agedness and caught a couple (couple being completely under exaggerated but it makes me feel better) of silver hairs sprouting from my scalp. Yes it is a sign of wisdom, yes its esteemed bla bla yadder yadder, I’m 24 years old for god sakes! There are many years when this look will serve me well, but just not now!

So my theory has always been that as I embrace this concept of metro sexuality, if the solution is as easy as coating your head with a substance and letting it ferment for a little then…..why the bloody hell not! When I lived in Durban and everything (I mean everything) was half the price as it is in the big smoke I would every now and then have some nice young lady coat and ferment at a reasonable fee. Enter Dave and Johan…..in my quest to find a hairdresser in the big smoke I venture over to the center opposite my work and ask whether they would be willing to cut, coat and ferment and what fee they would be requesting. The lovely young lady said something ridiculous like R800.00 after which I promptly reminded her that I dint want to acquire shares in her fine establishment but only a cut, coat and ferment. I decided to settle for the cut (which I won’t lie in Durban probably would have got me the majority shareholding) and decided that I could always resort to a box later (bad bad bad idea)…..

Oh and who the bloody hell are Dave and Johan anyway……

Granted the haircut was like something out of this world, (partly cause I still cant identify the instruments she took to my head and started slashing around with and partly cause the head massage was long enough for me to fall asleep too) but wow what a price.

Now a little financially scarred I did resort to the box, thinking that because I now live with a woman she can surely offer the same service as that lovely young lady over at Dave and Johan’s for a fraction of the price…….wow what a bad bad idea. (I will reserve comment at this stage as to whether it was a bad idea due to tit being half drunk and wholly inadequate at the job and perhaps let you decide).

After I had spent much time trying to decide whether I wanted to spend R60 or R80 or R100 on the box (anything above out of the question) I came home finally with a well suited colour at a reasonable price and waited patiently for my reprobate flat mate to return home from the pub, sorry I mean work, sorry I mean Nashua (all the same really).

As she entered the door…….I took it upon myself to do the mixing (who reads instructions these days when you have a supposed expert to guide you) and put the tube of stuff into the bottle with the breaky bit at the end.

My reprobate flat mate then began to coat…….and coat and coat…..yawn……… and then left me unsupervised (bad bad idea) to go have a shower.

Well after sometime and when I noticed white shit all over my head I decided to consult the instructions. In momentary panic and what now turns out to be complete lapse of judgment (again I was unsupervised) I realized that the shit in tube was the conditioner and the reactor stuff was what I intended to use as the conditioner…..hmmm, what to do. So I then decided that because I refused to waste the money saved so far I would mix what was left and the new reactor stuff into the applicator bottle and coat myself (my female supervision still unfortunately showering).

Now since hers is the only other room (yes it does have carpets and white linen) with a mirror (other than the bathroom of course), I head off to her dressing table with my newly mixed concoction and begin to coat myself (obviously without gloves, really why do you need them). I coat the remainder on my head and very proud rub it all over for I remember something about having to do this so as to have it come out even……oh well (at this stage blissfully unaware that the conditioner and reactive crap don’t gel well and the reactive crap has reduced the conditioner to a substance with a water like texture and no staying power)!

It began when I couldn’t understand why this shit was running down my face like a mud slide but calmly I figured I must just wipe it off with toilet paper! Well one entire double ply roll later (I lasted this long because of the economics and the saving I really was trying to create) I figure this shit has got to come off NOW!! (At this stage I would like to point out that my half drunk female supervision is out of the bathroom saying absolutely nothing and adding to the false sense of security that I was doing OK!! Bullshit!!). Actually I lie she did say something like….. “You have used an entire role of toilet paper….ALARM BELLS TIT ALARM BELLS!!!!

When I eventually came out of the shower I realized that devastation that Hiroshima had actually caused had happened right there in our little abode. OMG!!!!!!!

My skin was stained to absolute shit! What to do, I am an attorney for F*&^CK sakes and have to see clients tomorrow. Out came the brand new Pot Scourer (aka yellow sponge with ROUGH green bit on end). I, after rubbing my very black hands in yet another lapse of consciousness took the bloody thing to my face and ears. Wow what an idiot, I still have the grazes TODAY!!!!!!

Then came the clean and clear of the disaster zone and with that the realization that the entire flat was covered in black shit…..everywhere! (The flat that my reprobate flat mate owns, I hasten to add, which makes it so much worse).

Well, we cleaned what was visible at night and I felt a whole lot better after the unassisted traumatic experience had finally come to an end (whatever).

Then came the morning and with that daylight……..

It went something like this……Tit now sober (thank god) and off to the pub, Arghh I mean work, went to the loo first. This is when she discovered spots on the toilet seat and shouted out at her find. She then went to the dressing table and OMG you guessed it, spots on her lovely cherry wood dressing table too. So now with my final lapse of consciousness I went and found my trusty pot scourer (I wasn’t joking about the grazes) and started with the table. Oh yes I should have worked out if it was capable of taking skin off my face, it too was capable of removing the varnish on a table….and that it did.

Now feeling so guilty I would rather not have woken up that morning at all I sprinted to the bathroom and used my trusty pot scourer on the porcelain toilet seat. Oh but it wasn’t porcelain and the paint came off their too. The guilt I tell you, the guilt…..it has plagued me ever since. (their were two more discoveries which I choose not elaborate on as I have wiped them from my memory, but briefly the white linen and her Hilton Weiner top weren’t able to survive the hairdye Hiroshima L)

In summary;

Cost of new toilet seat which was delivered yesterday………..R160.00

Cost of refurbishing cherry wood dressing table (sand and varnish)……..R1250.00 (Ouch you right)

Deciding not to let the lovely lady at Dave & Johan’s do what she considers her profession……………FUCKEN PRICELESS!!!

I will now sport my silver hair with PRIDE!!!! It’s meant to be there

Rabbits and Faux Pas

2007-03-13T00:34:00.000+02:00

Ever had one of those moments when you open your mouth and your brains fly out? Well at this point in my life I'm surprised I have any brains left. Perhaps this is why I have been behaving like such a blonde the last little while. Anyway there was one particular occasion last year, when I out-did myself.

View United were at our local watering hole causing huge amounts of chaos as we do there. I do believe people leave when we arrive. We are a bunch of hazards I’m afraid, by the middle of the evening we monopolies the entire place and no one remains undisturbed and I am everyone’s friend.

So on this particular evening I was chatting to a few of the waitresses as we know each other pretty well, due mostly to my regular bad behaviour and excessive drinking. One of the waitresses had her boyfriend firmly attached to her side. He would come round every night she worked to keep an eye out. Gotta love male individuals such as these. So of course I was in friend-making zone and I introduced myself ever so friendlily, piling on the charm. He looked at me extended his hand and looked at me as though I was about to kill his puppy, and said simply “Warren”. Enter uncomfortable silence, crickets and tumbleweeds blowing in the wind. So Cuteness decides to break the ice, with her incredible sense of humour and joke telling skills.

Cuteness: I have a joke! (huge excitement on my face)

Warren: yes?
(the waitresses are so excited themselves because they know how utterly fabulous i am :) haha)

Cuteness: What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his ass?

Warren: ??

Cuteness: Warren (burst into laughter and am so thrilled with joke... the waitresses also laugh, INCLUDING the girlfriend.)

Warren: (deadpan)
(more crickets and tumbleweeds, sooooo loud. Even the tumbleweeds had crickets)

Well needless to say he was less than impressed. I can’t imagine why though! I offered to buy him a drink, no he doesn’t drink (stop Cuteness DO NOT say while on duty as girlfriend’s bodyguard and keeper. OR dehydration kills) I offer him non-alcoholic beverages. Nope. This guy was not going to let me give him any form of peace offering.

And what I learnt from all of this? People cannot smile when they have a rabbit up their arse.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Just when I thought....

2007-03-12T16:49:00.000+02:00

So I have a vent about not having skype back and what do you know, the little darlings from our IT department not only give me a brand new computer but I got skype back too.

So I am now going to vent about:
a) Never winning the lotto
b) Diets never working
c) Brad Pitt never showing up naked on my doorstep
d) Not having that Porsche

Lets hold thumbs now that this works too

From a ridiculously happy

Sweet Pea

Without any further ado....

2007-03-12T14:32:00.000+02:00

iI would like to take this opportunity to introduce Rodger to our little blogging world! Rodger is my new fish, yes I was allowed another one. Another red Siamese Fighter and I am very pleased to announce that he is over 2 weeks old and still alive and kicking, well finning/swimming around his vase (touch wood, lots and lots of it!!)

Rodger unlike Henry Fish (bless his little soul) has a very lively personality and quite frankly I think is a bit cooked in the head. He swims around his vase like a little speed demon and its great!

So hears hoping, for Rodger and quite frankly my relationships sake, that Rodger will be with us for a very loooooooong and happy fishy existence!

On a completely separate note I feel the urge to also have my little moan considering cuteness and tit both have had their turn! Well its a minor moan really:

MY SKYPE STILL ISN"T WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am now officially (wish I could underline it 10 times for maximum effect!!) having withdrawal symptoms. This may seem like the most random thing to say and quite selfish considering there are starving children in Africa but in my world its big. I get bored quickly at work and skype was always my saving grace and now the only form of communication I have is google chat and quite frankly it sucks balls, the balls of a male ox in heat (OK that scared me slightly!!!) So now I ask myself why on earth do I rely on this tiny little programme so much when I hate computers? I think the answer to this problem lies in the fact that I think my job may be a tad bit on the boring side. However, it could also be that I have a short attention span!! Hmmmmm??? Or could it be that I become too dependent on things?? Hmmmm....my mind seriously ponders now. Think the fact that I am sitting here in the middle of a "working" day, firstly blogging and secondly trying to come up with some reason for my skype addiction and I have solved my problem....Get a new job!!! Anyone know of anything for me? But for now I am happy to say that I will stand up in a "meeting" and say....

"Hi my name is Sweet Pea and I am a skype addict!"

Another minor rant that I would like to get off my chest while I am at it is this bloody Gautrain!!! Not only has it disrupted roads near where I live it is now where I work too!!!! Think this may be yet another sign that I need to get a new job, hmmmmmm????

OK feel much better now that I have that off my chest. Sorry my girls I couldn't jump onto that anti-male bandwagon, I am definitely one of the fortunate few it would seem! Thanks Whiteboy ;0)

My last few words that I would like to leave with you all is aimed at Double R:

How'd you like them sharks??????

Have a fantastically PMS/CBS free day now

Sweet Pea

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!!

2007-03-09T03:32:00.000+02:00

PREPOST WORDS: (to Cuteness and Sweetpea....and every other awesome woman reading this...)
Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realise what a goldmine you are, doesn't mean you shine any less. Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped, doesn't stop you from being the best. Just because no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running!
Just because no one has realised how much of a woman you are, doesn't mean they can affect your femininity. Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs! Just because you deserve the very best there is, doesn't mean that life is always fair
Just because God is still preparing your king, doesn't mean that you are not already a queen. Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now, doesn't mean you have to change a thing!
Keep shining, keep running, keep hoping, keep praying, keep being exactly what you already are...AN AWESOME WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!

ACTUAL POST:
Its amazing how just when you think that everything is going well.....one comment or incident changes all of that in a matter of seconds!I was at a function a while ago. At the dinner on the first night, a rather good looking member of the male species was introduced to me. In fact no, not rather good looking...F*cKing GORGEOUS! So we chat for a while and Tit thinks nothing of it coz lets face it....a god like that certainly dwells in a league nowhere near my own...
Imagine my surprise then when he does actually start showing interest and keeps stopping me to chat, and whips me around the dance floor like Fred Astaire (apparently thats some famous dancer).....AAAAAAH....The memory of it all.......
As luck would have it, Tit has to leave early to fetch Durban from the airport. So whilst cursing Durban for having to arrive on that night, and whilst preparing myself for the scolding i am about to get from Durban for being an hour late (disgusting i know....but you have to understand...this situation doesnt often...in fact...NEVA happens to me!), i pick my lip off the floor and head towards the exit.
Enter Movie Moment number 101: Walking up the escalator i get pulled around and lunged by God! Yes angels......lunged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Head in clouds for next 24 hours!

Next day of function and God is being super nice.....at dinner he continues earning major brownie points and just when I have started picturing the white picket fence, 2 dogs and 4 gorgeous kids we will have together, he drops the bombshell....that one little comment that proves that nobody can be that perfect!!!!!!!!HE IS INVOLVED.....HAS BEEN FOR YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The usual comments follow: I dont want to be with this person.......I know its over.........But its such a comfort zone for me.......And i dont want to hurt her by ending things!When asked why he lunged he responds: "I felt really guilty after it but i knew i had to do it coz we had such a connection!"CONNECTION MY ASS..............
So as my dreams of a future very quickly disipate into nothingness i find myself thinking...Its always too good to be true!
Why then do i still find myself thinking that he will leave her for me and he wont do the same thing to me......Its all bullshit of course - people sadly cant change i dont think......But.....such is life........

And Cuteness, we are not doomed - we simply have to change our mindsets and start enjoying one night stands i think! Relationships are for the birds!!!

Yours in PMS/CBS blues Tit
P.S, Have a moan i know! Bygones though!!!!!! Bring on the tequilla!

Cuteness you are one for a Lifetime.....

2007-03-09T01:11:00.000+02:00

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant .

Cuteness come rain or shine you are there. Whether we are happy or sad you are there and most importantly Cuteness now matter how badly we mess up you are ALWAYS there with a shoulder and you never ever waver as a friend. You are an infinite friend my girl!

A friend will bail you out of jail in the middle of the night but a true friend will be sitting right next to you and goodness grascious cuteness we were almost there!

Have a PMS/CBS/Infinitely Cute day now
Sweet Pea

You and I

2007-03-09T00:43:00.000+02:00

You and I have known each other for months, years and decades. You are flawed as am I. I am more flawed than you know, more flawed than you, and it is for this reason that your actions anger me so, because I know you are better than this.

YOU expect what you do not give, and are angered when you do not receive it. How can I give you what you need when you do not give me what I need.
YOU publically humiliate me and remind me of things I wish to forget, constantly reminding me of my mistakes and failures but never recalling my successes.
YOU readily take money but count every cent that is your own.
YOU say what you wish, how you wish, when you wish but this is in no way something that is acceptable for me.
YOU make me feel insignificant and belittle me.
YOU don't allow me to speak and if I get the chance you make me feel a fool.
YOU make me feel silly for feeling anything that doesn't fit into your agenda. You expect me and in fact tell me to just get over it.
YOU offer insincere support, without an attempt to understand or offer the time to listen when I try to reach out to you. YOU support in a way that is convenient for you.
YOU laugh at my insecurities.
YOU encourage me to make mistakes to further your entertainment value.
YOU readily indulge is gossip instead of standing up for me or supporting me, safe in the knowledge that you know me better than to behave in such ways and then you behave as if I owe you an explanation.
YOU do not believe me when I am telling the truth about certain things because this does not fit into your agenda or perception of events.
YOU are selfish.
YOU believe you are the only one who has had a tough time and your problems are bigger than mine.
YOU purposefully humiliate me and enjoy it
YOU deceive me. YOU make me believe one thing about our relationship and then show me otherwise.
YOU say you are busy and that is why you cannot phone, but sometimes a quick text from you is enough to make my day. If it wasn't for my efforts I would never speak to you.
I am the centre of your universe when you want something or until someone better comes along.
YOU are not gentle with me in any way.
YOU think you are better than me and make no attempt to hide it.
YOU judge me without even trying to understand me.
YOU disappoint me, hurt me without even knowing, and in fact I do believe that if you did know, a part of you wouldn't care....

YOU are the people that do these things to me, my family, friends, family friends and yet YOU are the family, friends and family friends.

Not feeling Infinitely Cute
XXX

How to be a good talk-show host

2007-03-07T08:25:00.000+02:00

Talk-shows are a dime a dozen. However some work and others fail miserably! This is due solely to the quality of the host and not the show (look at good ole Jerry). Here are the things that the Oprahs and Jerrys have, strangely they apply to a rather good approach on life.

Always have an interesting set, this should change with every new season, even if the changes are ever so subtle. If your set looks good, so do you.
Remain as objective as you possibly can, you are, after all, a type of journalist.
Be informed and up to date about hot topics and current events, especially when the topic is appearing or has appeared on your show.
Always have well groomed eyebrows.
Listen and empathize with your guests, show that you care, but never gush excessively! This is unnecessary and nauseating.
Always have perfectly manicured nails, great hair and healthy teeth.
Wear fabulous shoes.
Exude confidence in yourself, your show and your knowledge and abilities.
Only offer help when it is wanted.
Spectacular earrings are a must! Other jewelry is important but earrings seal the deal.
Have an incredibly sharp wit and always be entertaining, while remaining smart.
Don't trash talk other talk-show hosts.
Don’t misrepresent yourself, do confront your demons and scandals, chances are your audience knows about it, no space for a pink elephant on your set.
There should be a relationship between you and your audience so offer personal information to them. this encourages feelings of warmth and openness.
Always present the truth, people hate liars.
Have a pleasant laugh, no room for snorting here.
Always make a fabulous entrance and always be the picture of grace and elegance.
Have a signature closing line.
Always have the respect of the guests and of your audience.

And lastly

20.To really boost your ratings for a new season, give everyone a car, just because you can.

Remain Infinitely Cute

XXX

Retraction

2007-03-06T01:11:00.000+02:00

A few posts ago I referred to a mate of mine as Cockroach. He informed me that this was hugely unacceptable and what his name should be. I apologies my friend. From this day forward Cockroach will be known as Studmuffin. Please all make the appropriate changes...

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Can I check your car?

2007-03-05T10:36:00.000+02:00

Quite a long rant...

Well car-guards are a part of every South African’s daily life. However the ones that work at the centre where our shop is are unlike any other I have ever come across. They are called the Rooi Koppies for the simple reason that the hats that are part of their uniform are the colour of those bright orange road cone jobs. But rooi koppies just sounds better than oranje Koppies and this is what we named them so… The rest of the uniform includes grey schoolboy pants and a white school shirt with a tie (the colour escapes me at this point). The uniform is the same for both males and females so one can imagine how wonderful the women look in this ensemble (doll). They get paid a monthly salary and rotate between various centres.
They have that lovely colour that says they have been boozing and standing in the sun too long. Their skin looks tough and leathery and most of the time they have ciggy hanging from their mouths. Some of them are older and look like they have had a rough ride of things; these are not the ones I wish to write about.

Suicidal over-sharer.
Now this girl couldn’t have been much over 25. Her hair was long, dark brown and incredibly curly. She had false nails on, that were always perfectly manicured (French of course). She wore bright blue eye shadow, thick black eyeliner and lots of mascara. Her lips were always a deep shade of red. Every so often she would come in and “test” the perfumes we had. One day she came into the shop only to display a huge and revolting wound on her leg. She said she had been hit by a car. Now this didn’t surprise me too much as I had often had to practice much self control in not ramming her with my car! Now I am not one to deal with much grossness and so I collapsed to the floor from being incredibly dizzy! My sister told her she would have to go to the doctor immediately as she was not equipped to deal with this. Now you need to realize it is bad when my sister says that, because she is ready to deal and fully capable to deal with most things.
One day I arrived at work, got out my car and saw her sprinting toward me, on injured leg. Damn that chick could move. She then reached me and launched into an incredibly intense tale of woe. Now I do have compassion but I am not one who believes that a person should talk of their problems to anyone that has a set of ears. She told me how she had tried to kill herself the night before and how tough things are for her. Now being in the pharmaceutical industry I have a pretty good knowledge of what can kill you, pill wise, and what she took wouldn’t ease a headache of mine. I told her that she should go see someone who has the proper knowledge to help her as I cannot offer her the proper help that she needed. She then told me she didn’t need help, she was fine and it was all to make her boyfriend worry and make him stay with her. At this point hitting her with my car sounded ever so appealing and if it had been closer I would have done it. Those that know me will know exactly why this act of hers sent me into a blind rage. As I shared my story with the rest of the people at work, it seems she had told them completely different stories of woe. She came into the shop a little later and asked to speak to me privately. It was then that she attempted to HUG me!!!!!! Still being in a rage from earlier (I had been slamming around the shop etc) I snapped at her not to touch me and walked away. This may sound exceptionally cold as she clearly needed help but as I said earlier those who know me well will understand where I coming from on this. She has been transferred to another parking lot.

The She-male
One day I was standing outside with my sissy and I looked at one of the car guards and said to my sissy that that boy couldn’t be older than 14 years. She told me that she thinks it’s a woman. Even after he-she has said a couple of words to me I still do not know what gender this person is.

Chatter-box.
There is another young car guard who likes to chat. Luckily it is Smalltalk. The one day, I was dashing in and out of the shop to get something urgent for my moms. He found it necessary to comment on the weather, busyness of the centre and George Bush. As I was walking and talking, I was after all on an urgent errand, I walked into the pharmacy before he could ask me if I preferred ER or Grays Anatomy. Leaving 5 minutes later, he rushed up to me in a panic and asked if I was sick. I told him I was getting something for my mom. He sighed with relief and thanked god I wasn’t ill. I wanted to ask him what my mother had ever done to him.

Now, generally I don’t mind car guards all too much but when I'm driving forward out of a parking, I really don’t need to be directed (happens at my centre). And perhaps they should tell you are driving down a one way in the wrong direction everyday for a few weeks. And mostly I am capable of reversing on my own. But I am quite happy to give the guys 5 bucks if it’s late at night or 10 if it’s really cold. Clearly I have a personal space iSSue (for u Durban) and the guys (and gals) at my centre get in it. It is not nice to walk into the bathroom and find the one female washing her hair in the basin and having a general “bath” What is equally annoying is they ask “can I check your car?” Check my car for what exactly? A puncture maybe?

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Frankies....

2007-03-05T02:56:00.000+02:00

Friday night, a few of view united headed off to Frankie Bananas. Delicious, Token, Doc, Masters and myself were there. It seems we have acquired a few groupies, as most successful and hot teams do. These included Durban, Ranger and two brand new additions that are yet to be named…

I arrive a little late. The huge scary bouncer asks me for ID and it takes every ounce of constraint I have not to leap up and kiss him.
We had found a nice table outside, where it wasn’t too packed, hot or full of hyenas (yes hyenas and they are MUCH worse than vultures). Of course the wooden floor made of planks was not very considerate of my stilettos as I repeatedly got stuck in the gaps. At one point I had to remove my shoes and get a rather strong looking male to pull them out the floor (next post shall be a diet diary). After a few drinks, luckily not enough to bring out Alex and a hang-over induced Loser Complex the next morning; we headed out to the “dance floor.” As we found our little possie we danced feeling slightly random but eventually the mojo was found. Token and Delicious left a little after we began dancing, leaving me with 3 couples. What fun I have to tell you. Nothing like being the 7th wheel. I stood in the centre of a circle of cafoofaling couples dancing a little, looking ridiculous, for 2 reasons. Obviously the couple thing and secondly most of the people there are tiny, I felt like a giant. So there I was drifting and dancing while looking at the top of many heads. I looked around only to notice that there were no impalas and no vultures. The dance floor was simply full of hyenas on heat. There were two girls about 5 feet tall, 19 years of age, grinding against each other in a way that would have made Madonna blush (back in the 80s). Doc had momentarily come up for air and saw this sight as well. The 2 of us could only laugh. The guys who were the recipients of this show found this amusing as well and noticed our laughter and the 4 us giggled at the half naked gyrating girls. I was suddenly aware that someone had made himself at home in my personal space, I spun around only to find that he had been peering over my shoulder looking down my top. Charming. I looked at him with the appropriate amount of disgust and he continued to leer at me. I moved away and stood waiting to get to the bar, only to be rubbed up against by another leering stranger. Now I could understand him having to squeeze past me if there was no room in the joint but there was a HUGE open space behind me. Why oh why do my friends insist on coming to meat markets such as this one?

I imagine the sale of my rump...
Hostess: Step right up and get yourself the deal of a lifetime. This juicy piece of matured beef is up for grabs. She has been marinated and tenderized by our esteemed barmen! She is a little shy so some coaxing is required.
Hmmmm not a very good sales pitch but one couldn’t really say, come near this semi-pickled 24-year old piece of rump and she will make earrings out of your balls? I am comforted by the knowledge that infact there are other hyenas around for the personal-space invading leering men. A man who reaches my waist comes up to me and asks what nationality I am. I mean really!?!?! I resist the urge to reply that I am Nigerian and tell him I am Norwegian, I mean cannot he not tell by my typical Scandinavian looks? (Long brown hair and hazel eyes) PLEASE!? He promptly tells me he is Greek and I promptly tell him I don’t care and if I did I would have asked. I realize at this point I am being somewhat bitchy so I giggle as if I just made the funniest joke, as does he. He sees this as an invitation into my personal space. I stop giggling and walk away.

So hyenas are worse than vultures. They run around, slobbering over everything and grabbing whatever there is available that they feel is part of their diet. As I sit here thinking of ways to make my personal space impermeable to vultures and hyenas I wonder why, just once, I cant meet a lion.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Coach's Report (Warning: Very long post!!)

2007-02-28T11:27:00.000+02:00

A couple months back Cuteness and I were chatting about the fact that the two of us had not seen each other in a while and more importantly that we hadn’t had a good razzle together and in that very same conversation she promised me that one night the two of us would have the razzle of all razzles. Well sports fans, last week Thursday was nothing short of THE RAZZLE OF ALL RAZZLES and this is the eagerly awaited match postmortem from the coach……..

Key Info of the Evening:

The Players: Her Infinite Cuteness and Tit
The Coach: Myself
The Challenge: To prove that these two gorgeous ladies still had it when it came to being “poached” by opposition team members
The Venues: Restaurant in Morningside then THE MANEATER (can you hear the warning bells already?)

Pre Match Summary:
· Coach arrived first to be met a “little” later by the players in their fantastic uniforms – 1 x little black number for Cuteness and 1x Low Cut/Low Back White Top and Jeans for Tit. Let me tell you sports fans these 2 ladies were dressed to kill
· 1 x bottle of delectable Vergelen Sauvignon Blanc
· Great conversation, slight bitch session (we are girls at the end of the day)
· Fabulous sushi plus another bottle of delectable Vergelen Sauvignon Blanc
· 2 x Jager Bombs for Tit and myself (Cuteness lost a bet)
· More great conversation, this time however more naughty discussion topics and loads of laughing, generally revolving around the opposition players
· 1 x bottle of delectable Vergelen Sauvignon Blanc
· Talks of going to the Maneater as opposed to “quieter” bar like News Café, slight apprehension as it is student night after all
· 3 x Jager Bombs followed by unanimous decision to in fact go to the Maneater (we can brave the student sides fielded for the evening)
· Cuteness leaves to go powder her nose
· Random Martin from table next to ours joins Tit and I
· Half an hour later, Cuteness still AWOL, Tit discovers her at a random couples table discussing political correctness, yes political correctness WTF????
· Cuteness rejoins us and proceeds to invite Random Martin (who is 40+ and does not drink) to Maneater on Students Night. Martin respectfully declines which results in Cuteness eloquently calling the man a kitty cat
· Three of us leave in a hurry
· R850 later

The Game:

Arrive at maneater round midnight ish (I think). Cuteness decides to draw R1000 off credit card. ATM eats credit card. Panic ensues from Cuteness. Tit and I are at this stage too busy sniggering at the fact that we have discovered in the light of the ATM that Cuteness’ dress was in fact completely see-through at the back showing her black G-String. Decide that she would be horrified so will tell her in the morning, realize at the same time we are in fact bad friends. Cuteness now in complete state of hysteria decides to look in the 2 slip bins next to the ATM in case card is in there, throwing the slips around like confetti. Whilst doing this she notices a cute foreign boy standing at the ATM next to her. Panic diverted and she is back in the game. Proceeds to tell foreigner that he is very cute in front of his very buff rugby player looking girlfriend. Unimpressed look in our direction. Remove Cuteness and head to their playing field. Cuteness then realizes that credit card is in fact swallowed by ATM and panics again. Due to certain politics and potential loss of friendship with Cuteness I will omit certain details of this panic attack, but will just say that she was highly concerned that all her dad’s hard earned money was now not safe due to credit card disappearing. Calm her down. Debate at this point whether to direct panic to the see-through dress but decide that the panic would be far worse in this case.

Walk to the main bar, 3 x Jager Bombs, realize that they were in fact going down like mommy’s panties on Father’s Day. Do a brief scope of the playing field, decide that the opposition players are not of great caliber. Panic ensues on my behalf realizing that my challenge may have back fired! Go to the top bar. 3 x Jager Bombs, lose Cuteness, so 2 x Tequila for Tit and I, didn’t go down quite as smooth. Notice Cuteness on other side of bar being absolutely ravaged by a random player. Coach 1 Players 0. Think I should rule it as a foul when he straddled her but at this stage the alcohol had started to take effect. Proceed to remove Cuteness from clutches of random player and go to the ladies. Way too much alcohol for Cuteness and Tit and I witness her dinner again in chewed form. But this player is unstoppable, go to the dance floor. Coach clearly had also had way too much to drink at this point and exhibited a type of dance style that could only emulate Johnny Clegg doing Impi. At this point my sincerest apologies to Tit for “stomping” on her toe, splitting her nail in half, causing her to bleed all over her new yellow shoes. That she bought that day. Still don’t think it was me!

Decide to leave the Maneater, get into our 2 separate cars. Tit and Cuteness going to Tit’s house 5 mins away, myself driving home 20 mins away (not my finest moment). Start driving out, see Tit being pulled over by one of Johannesburg’s finest Metropolitan Police Officers. Hit reverse and phone Tit to say I am coming home with her.

Now sports fans just when you thought the story was over, think again. Get into Tit’s car. Turn left onto Witkoppen (stupid route in hindsight) and are faced with another one of Johannesburg’s finest Metropolitan Police Officers shining the torch for Tit to pull over.
P A N I C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tit: Good evening officer
Pig: Good evening miss, please will you blow into this breathalyzer for me?
Tit: P A N I C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blows badly, no reading.
Pig: Blow again properly!!!!
Tit: But officer I am, I just have asthma (yeah right???)
Coach at this point decides that she would like to view her dinner again out the door IN FRONT OF THE OFFICER (once again not my finest moment)
Cuteness at this point decides to raise her hand like little Johnny in class and say “OOOHH breathalyse me breathalyse me please ossifer”
Tit: Blows again
Reading: 1.65 (WTF??????? SHE WOULD BE DEAD if that were true)
Pig: I am going to have to arrest you
Tit: Please look at my friends and tell me that one of them should be driving
Pig: Best I can do is take you to the station and make you pay an admission of guilt fine
Tit: How much will that cost?
Pig: Well how much is in your wallet?
BINGO!!!!!!!!! 350 South African Rondts later and we were on our way again

Straight to Tit’s bed for me where they cover me up and go sleep in the spare room next door.

Get woken up the next morning by Tit and Bail and I am on the floor. How the hell I got there with my head on her teddy as a pillow and wrapped in the duvet, heaven only knows?!?!?!?!

Tit and I fake food poisoning and the 3 of us spend the day reminiscing about this debaucherous evening and start the beginning of the biggest LCs of our lives! Still have one a week later, hence the apprehension of writing this novel and reliving it!

Post Match Summary:

Sushi and 3 bottles of delectable Vergelen Sauvignon Blanc R850
Maneater R500
Bribing one of Johannesburg’s finest Metropolitan Police Officers R350
Watching your friends throw their names around in see-through dresses and broken toe nails followed by throwing up in front of a cop, misplacing a pair of shoes, leaving a car at the Maneater, losing a credit card, waking up on the floor and phoning in “sick” PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a PMS/CBS/LC free day now

Sweet Pea

P.S. Never drinking and driving EVER again!!!!!

I'm It..

2007-02-27T04:59:00.000+02:00

Ive been tagged by Sam-girl;
Rules: Each player starts off with 10 weird things / little known facts about themselves, and this rule MUST be stated in blog. Thereafter, 6 other people must be tagged, here goes;

I arrange almost everything in height and (in case of clothes) colour order. My Cd's are also in alphabetical order.
I sleep with a teddy every night. If I go away, I take him with me.
My hair has been blonde, almost black and plum. I think my natural colour is a lightish shade of brown.
When I was a kid, my dad bought me the Bambi animation. I know the mom deer dies but I felt bad not watching it so I watched to the point where it seemed to be getting ominous, I stopped the tape. It remains in that spot to this day.
While I wait for my bath water to run, I turn on my radio pretty loud and dance around in my underwear.
The volume level on a radio always have to be on a number ending with a 5 or 0.
I'm not sure I believe the whole soul mate, someone for everyone theory.
I found a man’s neck and forearms incredibly sexy.
I have never been in love or been completely swept off my feet.
I'm not afraid of death, but I'm a little afraid of living.

I am tagging Sweet Pea, Tit, DoubleR, msmozi, Kab and Nos.

Remain Infinitely Cute

XXX

UDI

2007-02-26T10:59:00.000+02:00

Unidentified Drunken Injury

LC

2007-02-25T06:03:00.000+02:00

Alcohol is the Devil.

A Message from the Coach.........

2007-02-22T00:24:00.000+02:00

As the coach of the esteemed team that is View United I feel that it is my responsibility, no duty to report the bad behaviour of two of my players, namely Tit and Her Infinite Cuteness.

I find it rather concerning that these two players have low morale at the moment and are just not putting their hearts into the game! As a coach I need to sort this problem out before the whole team gets relegated! I will just not stand for this, I am too competitive for that.

In a team meeting this morning it became apparent to me that these two players are not feeling very confident in their playing abilities at the moment. Heaven knows why they would be feeling like this when I have witnessed an evening of sixes, heard about an own goal (not happy with that) and I have been sidelined for advice on two opposing players from the same fine player! These two players have outstanding strike rates and I find it mortifying to hear that they don't feel like they have any playing ability at the moment!

The Challenge

In the team meeting this morning about our scheduled dinner this evening I have issued these two players with a challenge. After said dinner the 3 of us will be making our way to a fine establishment still to be decided, where and I quote what I said "opposition team members will attempt to poach them" and all I have to do is sit back and watch this unfold before my eyes. Call me the coach/wingman for the evening, I will show these two fine ladies just how "poachable" the two of them are without having to do a thing.

This challenge has been accepted and the two players are currently deciding on their team uniforms for the evening. I do believe one little black number has been decided for our Cuteness and Tit is still yet undecided!

At this point I would like to set some rules for this challenge:

1) I, as coach/wingman, can make a call on what I deem as unsatisfactory play whenever I regard applicable, this may not be argued upon at any time
2) Bribes in the form of alcoholic beverages may be accepted from opposing team members if said members are of appropriate team stature, this will count as a penalty in favour of View United, or against if opposing team player is unsatisfactory
3) If said bribe results in a sideline conversation of more than 5 minutes it will count as a goal
4) More than one bribe from the same opposing team member will count as a home run (yes I do realise that I am mixing sports but I am the coach after all and this is my challenge)
5) Physical body contact at any stage will be reviewed very clearly and can either be ruled as offsides if opposing team member does not meet my team status code of contact or can be ruled as a straight-out-the-park SIX (yes i know yet another sport) if said player does meet such standards
6) Fouls, wides and yellow/red cards may be given out whenever I deem necessary!

I will be keeping score of all the events and will unfortunately make decisions against my own players if they do not abide by the View United rules and regulations.

I will present all scores and findings tomorrow and show that there is conclusive evidence that these two players are not only MVPs (Most Valuable Players) but will prove to be an unconquerable force this season!

On a different note, I feel it necessary to announce that the MPP (Most Popular Player) for the last month, Doc, has now been "officially" benched by our very own Durban. So MPP status is up for grabs again!

In the meantime play nicely players and have a PMS/CBS free day now

Coach Sweet Pea

P.S. Whiteboy i will be doing all coaching from the sidelines and in no way participating in this challenge this evening

Migraines and School boys.

2007-02-21T11:21:00.000+02:00

There are two things that hard to beat discomfort wise… Migraines and being the only young female in an all boys school at break time.

Now today Mamma Cuteness has a migraine and so The Don and I headed off to fetch her from school (she teaches Matric English). After 20kms there I had seen the end of my life nearly 27 times, I decided I was never never never driving with the Don again. It was break time and I looked at the little primary school boys playing rugby and being little boys, I smiled, thinking, some of you are going to grow up to be such assholes! The older boys were naturally checking me out, I mean they only human.
I walked to Mamma Cuteness’s office and passed a group of Matric boys. They all stood up and greeted me with a “Hello ma’am.” For 2 reasons, firstly they stood up?!?!?!? What is that, I was blown away by such chivalry as I never really see it! And secondly they called me ma’am?!?!?! O my greatness! Do I really look old enough to be a ma’am??? Complete panic on my side.

I gather up Mamma Cuteness and her various belongings. She hands me the keys to her 4th child! The ma’am calling was momentarily forgotten. I get to drive the HOT MAMMA CUTENESS CAR! This is possibly the most beautiful piece of machinery. I relished in driving the dark blue SLK 350 and felt thing that I cannot mention out loud. Hearing the car engine resonate in the garage made me sigh ever so deeply. Some tension had built up on the drive home that wasn’t good for a single girl in the middle of the day!

Taking a moment to pull myself towards myself before going inside, I remembered the ma’am comment and rushed upstairs. Applied some ant-wrinkle cream and checked out my breasteses, yes they were still as firm as an 18 year olds!

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Why do people hide bodies in the basement?

2007-02-20T07:13:00.000+02:00

All people go through incredibly trying times. Some talk and share their feelings openly with those around them, they can openly cry with their friends. Other people hide it all. They put on their happy face and an I am ok approach. Why is that? Why do some people close themselves off and even in a way are scared of what they are feeling. Do they hide emotions because they think it is easier for the people around them? Surely, as adults, we are able to deal with the complexity of emotions, and if we are hiding how we are really feeling or how bad things are in life, surely one needs to re-evaluate who they are surrounding themselves with and who, in fact, are their real confidants.

So why do people hide bodies in the basement?
So they can still entertain.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Boredom and Revelations

2007-02-20T05:12:00.000+02:00

Been thinking the whole day about something to blog about but unfortunately nothing is really springing to mind, is my life really not that interesting? Those that know me please reserve comment to that question! And I have had the whole day to do this too, since our e-mail has been down, yet again. I swear if its not some stupid worm or virus, the e-mail is down. Now this renders my work pretty useless so once again I sat twiddling my thumbs (skype still isn't working either).

My day basically was spent chatting to Cuteness on Facebook. Now for those of you who don't know what Facebook is, I suggest that you do yourselves a favour and have a look because I think its great and it saved me from pulling my hair out today. Put that thought right out my mind when I figured people might think I am following Britney Spears (WTF is up with that chick anyway?). Sorry minor tangent there. So Cuteness and I were chatting and we have realised that our lives aren't nearly as exciting as they used to be. Exciting being that we have no juicy stories to share with each other anymore, although I think she had plenty from last Friday night at the Maneater. Are we really getting that old that we have no scandalous stories to share anymore? We used to have mountains of gossip and scandal to share and now we chat about arb things. Then it dawned on me that I am actually quite happy with this revelation. Arb is good, arb is exciting too!

Why is it that so many people live around other people's lives? I mean I am guilty of doing this and I religiously buy the Heat every Tuesday and delve into the lives of celebrities and gossip. But Heat aside, people are far too preoccupied in each others lives and interfering and I personally have had enough of that. I am quite happy to keep all the details of my life to myself and those that are important to me. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy hearing stories from weekends and nights out as much as the next person, go have a look at www.losercomplex.com - this is a prime example of what I love to hear, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty intimate details of people's personal lives I would much rather keep the personal in that.

I mean I could have blogged about my fantastic weekend away in the bush with Whiteboy but I no longer kiss and tell and quite frankly it is a lot more special if it remains personal. So this is my revelation of the day and I know that this is probably not the blog you expect from me but sometimes it just needs to be said that people are too interfering and quite frankly need to get their own lives!!

You all have yourselves a fantastically PMS/CBS free day now

Sweet Pea (maybe should be Serious Pea today)

hmmmm

2007-02-20T03:45:00.000+02:00

Dreams are the answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.

An Ode to Henry Fish

2007-02-19T02:43:00.000+02:00

About 3 years ago I was watching The Block and I got an idea for a fish that I wanted to do for myself from the moment I saw it, except that instead of having a blue fish it needed to be red. What the guy had done was taken a blue Siamese Fighter Fish and put it in a really nice vase with some stones in the bottom and it looked absolutely stunning. So I searched high and low in every pet shop I stumbled into for a red one but eventually gave up on the idea that a red Siamese Fighter even existed.

So I told The Honourable Whiteboy about this and low and behold for Valentine's Day there it was. Now 58 phone calls and a trip to Kempton Park later he had managed to find my little fishy for me and a really gorgeous vase to boot (major major brownie points there!!!!) And his name.......Henry Fish. He was really really so cute and it looked so good in my room.

So I get Henry Fish on Wednesday evening and after a HUGE night at the Maneater on Thursday evening I walk into my room on Friday morning and say hi to my little Henry but I notice that he is awfully still and right at the bottom of the vase. So I slowly walk, well creep with baited breath would be a better description, up to the vase and give it a little tap next to Henry and nothing. Dont panic now, he might just be really really REALLY still, so I tap it again......NOTHING. Now I am freaking out so I grab the top of the vase and give it a bit of a shake.........NOTHING. Henry Fish is dead. PANIC ensues and now I have no idea what to do. It was a mixture of about to burst into tears and terror. I mean I had the little guy for just one day, ONE day and he dies and so much effort was put into finding the little guy for me. Now Whiteboy and I are going away for the weekend and he is about to fetch me so that we can start our trip so any ideas of trying to replace him has gone out the window (yes the idea did cross my mind!!!) so all I could do was tell him. The coward that I am sends him an sms that says that poor little Henry is dead. And the response was "I had him for 4 days and he was fine, you had him for 1 and he dies, ONE day". I cannot explain the feeling of guilt and sadness I had, well still have over poor little Henry Fish. I am mortified!

As Whiteboy later said to me I am lucky that he did not say to me that it was a symbol of our relationship!

This does not bode well for any future pet gifts! Sigh....poor little Henry Fish, he shall be missed!!!

Have a PMS/CBS and hopefully pet death free day now

SweetPea

Phew

2007-02-18T04:14:00.001+02:00

This week I managed to stumble across a convicted attempted murderer, witness a swat team episode and a parking lot gun brawl! I chatted to the President and Vice President of Toyota (the Japanese guys) over sake (the drink) about my latest car idea and had a rather pleasant date… I received a note form Alex, damn that girl has fun but is a hazard of tornado proportions.

So my mother and I were standing outside a magistrate’s courthouse and suddenly 5 vans pull up with dark tinted windows. They stop and about 7 bullet-proofed AK47-holding police men jump out of each car, and take up various positions around the parking lot. I look at my mother and mumble something along the lines that if there is a shoot-out at least they protected by the vests and helmet things with the eye protection glass stuff. They stand on guard, guns at the ready. It took all my self-control not to go up to the one 6 foot 7 giant and ask him what was potting. Luckily some common sense prevailed and I realized it isn’t the best idea to surprise a man with a cocked (if that is the term) AK47 in one hand and the other on his hand gun in its holster. They look around, all alert and as a huge bullet-proof van comes through they all walk to various other places, still looking hugely serious and intimidating. My mind quickly goes through all the people I would like them to intimidate for me. I realize the list is far too long for someone as young, sweet and infinitely cute as myself…
Inside a HUGE man, in his bright orange jumper and feet and hand shackle awkwardly hops along as the feet chains only allow him a few centimeters of walking freedom. His hair was longish and rather manky looking blonde mousy colour and I have a little panic as I imagine the various diseases and lice that live in there and I desperately look for something to cover my head with in attempt to avoid catching his various hair-tenants. I did however want to run up to him and quiz him on what he was in for! Later it turned out it was attempted murder and he was here to appeal his conviction. Now my curiosity was peaked even further, I wanted to know who, how and why he had tried to kill this person. (If I had been his attempted victim, I would have just rolled over and died without him having to try very hard). I am a bit macabre clearly, never found out anymore about him but I think I entertained the lawyers with my curiosity.

On Wednesday evening it was my father’s work farewell and various interesting people had come in to bid farewell to my pops. Much to his amusement and various other businessmen I spoke to the top Toyota guys about what I believed should be their next car project. Damn that Sake. I have no idea how the Japanese drink more than one sip and still maintain their dignity, nevermind the amounts that were consumed infront of me. I “knowledgeably” informed them of the various aspects of the car project and how easy it would be to manufacture in less than 18 months. Despite this, I did learn some interesting things bout my dad and beamed with pride as I walked around after the various speeches.

Friday was doc’s birthday and so we all headed off to Tit’s (and now Durban’s) flat for pre-drinks and then off to Man-eater. I made the pre-drinks but Alex enjoyed the rest of the evening. Masters, Token, Durban, Delicious (later Candy), Doc and Master’s boyfriend and various friends were there. After a little gush about my dad, Alex learnt a valuable lesson, which she conveyed to me in her letter. During a discussion about having children, Alex announced that she would have a surrogate, I mean (and I quote) “why ruin this body?” Now saying such a thing is fine when the people around you are used to your sense of humour, but not when they don’t really know you at all. So much embarrassment ensued after. At least I didn’t whip out such lines in front the big wigs at Toyota. SIGH…… We headed off to the Man-eater. As we walked up to the door, Token and another mate, will call him CockRoach, decided to see what was under my and Doc’s skirt, more than once. As we approached the door (and by we I mean everyone else and Alex) a good tune was playing so Durban and Alex danced their way to the door. Now you know you have made an impression when the bouncer says to Durban how wasted he looks. Alex then took this as her moment to tell Wentworth Miller bouncer to have a nice evening AFTER asking him if he was going to search her!!!! I think Alex scared him. Now that’s bad, being able to scare a bouncer…
Inside we partied, Lola (Tit’s twin) Candy (Delicious’s twin) and Alex. Doc and Durban had a private party. Masters partied with her boy (I shall name him Ranger). Alex sexually harassed some soccer player but quickly got over him when she saw him drinking bottled water. Candy and Alex had many many many many many jaggerbombs in an attempt to get to know the 2 cute barmen better. (Mmmm) CockRoach tried to pick up Alex and Candy together and Alex, wearing a skirt, flashed quite a bit. This was not the only time Alex landed on the floor. Clearly all the bombs had helped because her cute barmen came to her rescue and picked her up off the floor. (Sigh) She then found it necessary to discuss the intricacies with the bouncer (not Wentworth) about the heat involved with having to wear a suit all night.
In and amongst all this Lola and Alex had a moment, Alex ran into an old acquaintance and proceeded to float around on a cloud after said run in. (still am) and Candy was also floating around after a similar run in. Candy and Alex were not impressed when they were literally dragged out of Man-eater as they were just moving in on the barmen who had bankrupted them earlier!!! Unable to walk to the car, they waited for it to come to them while being harassed by 2 divorced men with a few too many children over the age of 14. Finally getting into bed when its light after sending a rather uncharacteristic text, Alex curled up next to Candy and they both floated to sleep.

The next morning, Token and Alex left Tit’s place at about 8, both still drunk and drove home with the windows open and “its all coming back to me now” playing ever so loudly and the 2 of them singing so that everyone on the highway could hear them! Give me an H…… H Give me an AZARD…… AZARD what have you got? HAZARD!!!

Damn what a week, I need to sleep after writing this!

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Dear Kotex

2007-02-14T09:00:00.000+02:00

In the spirit of PMS/CBS I would like to share a particularly appropriate e-mail I was sent by my exceptionally fabulous friend Guns:

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out sh*t advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy cr@p to your products or the packaging. Put the sh*t in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.

Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS

Have a wonderfully fantastic PMS/CBS free Valentines Day now

Sweet Pea

This makes me sound like a romantic.

2007-02-13T05:25:00.000+02:00

I love being single, its how I have been most of my adult life. But today I had a thought. When things are really tough and difficult, it sure would be nice to have someone to give you that reassuring kiss on your forehead or neck. To sit next to you, when reality is in front of you, with an arm around your shoulders or waist as you watch the horrifying scene unfold before you. To give you a reassuring smile at the end of that long day, bring you tea and curl up on the couch with you. To create a little bubble with just the 2 of you in it, a place where time doesn’t matter and both of you are untouchable. When the world disappoints you, you look at this person and know that things aren’t that bad and neither are people, they give you faith and hope. They can look at you when you have been crying for 5 hours straight, are red and blotchy and sniffly, and still say you are beautiful.
It’s great to have that person when things are good, but it’s when things are bad and they aren’t there, that one realizes that perhaps one is slightly lonely.

It is wonderful to have this person.
It is also wonderful to be that person….

Apology

2007-02-12T22:17:00.000+02:00

Alex has asked me to place a public apology.
She is sorry for any inappropriate and offensive behaviour on Saturday. It was a game of "I have Never" that caused her final downfall. Despite breaking glasses and struggling to keep liquid inside a glass, she didn't feel the need to perhaps take it easy and embark on the "I have never trail".
Apologies for insults, evil looks, sexual harassment (she cant remember any but she knows herself very well) and all round embarrassing singing and dancing behaviour. The LC set into about 10 minutes ago. (she is a little slow I'm afraid)

She would just like to add that despite this apology (which was somewhat coaxed) she still knows that she is STILL ABSOLUTELY BLOODY FABULOUS and few people come even close to her exceptional partying skills and ability to throw name. (which she is very proud of!)

The Anti-Cute

2007-02-12T10:55:00.001+02:00

Meet Alex.
Alex mostly comes out at night but has made a few appearances today. She is loud and hard to miss, most probably because if you don’t notice her, she will come up to you and rectify this situation.
She gets to know all the girls in the bathroom queue, will hop onto a stage and sing karaoke with a perfect stranger, just because the poor girl is singing all on her lonesome. She will get up on stage, in a playboy bunny outfit, and dance (with another strange girl) at Kilimanjaro.
She offers relationship advice to perfect strangers. (Due to her vast experience in this area)
She flirts with EVERYONE, male, female, friends, strangers and even couples… (Ok but she felt bad because the boyfriend was flirting with her and of course the only natural way to deal with this was to hit on his girlfriend.)
If she doesn’t like something about you or something you are wearing she will tell you and not bother to sugar coat it.
She is the best dancer around and everyone around her is grateful that there are no poles or that Lolly Jackson owns the place.
She makes herself at home behind the bar and disturbs anyone who is trying to have a chilled, quiet evening.
She is never shy to whip out her underwear if she thinks it is worthy to be seen in public; luckily she manages to keep her clothes on, most of the time…
She is, generally, a hazard.

People say we look exactly alike, sound the same and dress the same.
Meet Alex, because I haven’t.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Van Wilder to Rookie

2007-02-10T11:43:00.000+02:00

What is it about getting older and the effects of alcohol? Why is it that when you used to laugh at a hang over you now need 4 days to recover after a night of a couple of drinks? I'm not talking about 10 glasses of wine and 7 shooters here, I'm talking about sticking to one drink, having singles and only having 4 of them. OK throw in a tequila and a jager bomb to that as well but that was the total of what I consumed last night. Now that may sound like a lot but coming from 5 years at Stellenbosch that is child's play for an evening.

In my first 3 years at varsity we used to have drinking games at my place without fail every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday evening before we hit the town. And we used to arrive with a full bottle of spirits, usually Russian Bear Vodka (bad flashbacks) EACH. I mean lets not mess around here, we weren't there to discuss Third World Politics and that was before we went out. Then the shooters started. And we were fine the next day, granted there were many headaches, memory losses and many a nights of throwing our names away but we just got over it and carried on. A friend of mine used to call me Van Wilder: The Party Liaison, I was not scared to drink or play a drinking game or two.

Now, here I sit today with a hang over from hell after having 4 SINGLE Jamesons and water, 1 tequila and 1 jager bomb in an evening. What the hell? Why have I had a pounding headache and that queasy nauseating feeling in my stomach all day from that. Its pathetic!!!! Do I dare even say it, SIGH.....I am getting too old for this shit!!!!

But the thing is, and this is what really bothers me, I just don't learn. Because here I sit extremely tired and feeling like there is a train that keeps going round and round in circles in my head and guess what? I am probably going to end up at the Maneater tonight! I clearly am not as old as I think I am if I have this immature silly mentality. I just don't learn!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I am sure there will be another hang over to blog about on Monday

Have a PMS/CBS/Norway.J Virus (still not over that) free weekend now.

Sweet Pea

Dumb as I look.

2007-02-09T09:15:00.000+02:00

I was just sitting there, my chin resting my hand, my mind elsewhere and totally unaware of a conversation that was happening near me. Suddenly I was rudely brought back to my body by a Tom Cruise look-alike:

TC look-alike: What has made you so angry?

Cuteness: Absolutely nothing, I'm sitting here deep in thought.

TC look-alike: Well you look really pissed off. My mate and I were talking about it and we were even nervous to come over here…

Cuteness: Well I’m not remotely pissed off, I’m all good.

Then Tom Cruise look-alike saw this as an opportunity to make himself comfortable and chat away to me. Not about world peace or the war in Iraq or his views on the death penalty (not that this would be all that appropriate) but how he prefers Ashley Simpson’s music to Jessica’s. I mean REALLY! You have never spoken to a person before and that’s was he goes with? Anyway I zone out, smiling and nodding occasionally until he says something that made me want to physically attack him! He asked if he was going too fast for me and if I was battling to keep up?! He then proceeding to REPEAT everything he said. OMG. Anyway I figured that seen as he called me stupid basically, I no longer needed to be polite and took away the smiling and nodding and replaced it with God I’m bored out of my mind! Then he says something else that made snap back into the situation….

TC look-alike: You look bored.

Cuteness: mmmmm

TC look-alike: You know what? You have a really unfortunate way of presenting yourself.

It took every ounce of self-control in my body not to ram his head into the table. I am even speechless now thinking about it.

Cuteness: This was the face I was born with I’m afraid.
(Get up and walk away with loads of attitude)

Unfortunately this is not an isolated incident. People have often just assumed I’m dumb. (I’m not going to discuss apparent unpleasant disposition that TC look-alike thought I had) Often when people are explaining things to me, I understand exactly what they are saying, on the same page. I can generally grasp most concepts quite quickly and easily, it’s not after all, rocket science. (I wonder if rocket science is that hard, everyone assumes it is but has anyone every spoken to a rocket scientist about rocket science?) Obviously I have a very stupid face because people will then feel the need to explain it to me, which is damn boring! So I get bored and zone out and then really lose track of what they are saying and not understand what is going on, have to ask them to explain, thus perpetuating the belief that I am a dumbass. I mean I do say some really stupid things but you know, Einstein failed maths at school. We all have dumb moments.
What was interesting was when I was blonde. Somehow people are more tolerant of blondes being a little less efficient, a little more flustered in a busy spell, and perhaps more patient when you need to ask the TRAINED PROFESSIONAL something you really need 4 years of study to know about. In fact it got so bad that I even started playing it up because if you don’t, you are essentially farting against the wind. (Not to say I am an inefficient worker, I’m exceptional!) But as soon as I ventured closer to my natural colour, this was no longer acceptable. In fact, people thought I WAS the trained professional. No wonder people think blondes have more fun, very little is expected of them!

They say that people look smarter in glasses, perhaps I should start wearing mine all the time….

Remain infinitely Cute
XXX

Worms, Perfection and General Boredom

2007-02-08T02:01:00.000+02:00

You would think having absolutely no work to do for 3 solid days would give you some ideas and time to blog, unfortunately in my case this is untrue, so my formal apologies now for a very random, unstructured blog of hogwash.

This last week has been an interesting one. Coming from a most fantastic weekend into mayhem and chaos in the office didn't quite suit my good mood on Monday morning. Now for anyone that knows me I am not the most computer literate or tolerant person in the world (notice the irony in me blogging) so when I get told that a worm has got into our server at work my mind goes back to Pacman days of old with that cute little yellow man chomping away on the screen. Unfortunately this worm wasn't particularly cute or yellow for that matter and you could not just press reset or play again when it said game over. And we were literally game over for 3 whole days. This "worm/virus" is called the norway.j (who thinks of crap like that anyway?) virus, i personally prefer the "piece of shite that stole 3 days of my life from me" virus as a name. We had to shut down COMPLETELY, I couldn't even play solitaire on my computer.

Now it might look like I am bitter about all of this, most people would love to have 3 days of not being able to do anything, they would see it as a holiday of sorts. For me a holiday is lying in the sun on a beach or by the pool relaxing, NOT and I repeat NOT sitting in an office that feels like a sauna (we have air con issues) doing sweet bugger all for 3 days. Not to mention the fact that I am now 3 days behind of my work (notice the irony once again on me blogging right now). So bitter is an understatement. Anyway we seem to be getting back to normal (touch wood and all those good things) and the origin apparently has been located. Lets hope they blast the living daylights out the creature ( yes I do realise how computer illiterate I am but its called a worm and I would like to picture it being killed!).

So during my three days of boredom and hell, I relied on my cell phone as my form of communication with the outside world. This is not a new thing for me to be joined at the hip with my phone but I really did feel so isolated (sniff sniff). When I am at work I rely on skype and e-mail to keep me sane and that was taken away so that left my trusty cell phone friend at my side. Through thick and thin I tell you. So not only did this stupid worm take my daily sanity and amusement away from me it also caused me to support MTN ever more than I usually do. Not to mention the 3 days lacking in chatting to cuteness on skype (which still isn't working!!!!) and also to the Honourable Whiteboy.

Now most of you that know me will know who the Honourable Whiteboy is but those of you that don't, he would be the boyfriend in my life and who is possibly cringing at this point because I am mentioning him. Anyway the reason he is being mention at this point is as mentioned above I couldn't chat to him on skype either thanks to this horrid worm. Now as soppy as you think this is going to sound, you are wrong there. Obviously I missed his company but it was the teasing and banter that usually occurs every day that was missing in my life. You might be thinking that this sounds very strange but being laughed at and teased during the day has become as much as a daily habit as brushing my teeth (which I do twice daily). And I missed dishing it out too, not that I am any good at that though. The Honourable Whiteboy, who is still panicking at this point, has definitely become the sanity in my life and through all the banter and teasing me, he has become the perfect boyfriend. Now that he is completely freaked out and mumbling "I cant believe she is saying all these things" under his breath, I would like to share an sms conversation we had this week:

Sweet Pea: I am dying of boredom here
Whiteboy: Think you should spend some time blogging about how perfect I am
Sweet Pea: Sure thing will dedicate a whole blog to you (slight poetic license there)
Whiteboy: Don't you dare!!!!!!!!!!!

So my Honourable Whiteboy you are superbly perfect and here is the blog for you. Now that you are also insanely embarrassed just think back to the time you told me you were having X-rays on your hand and told me that the doctors were saying you had cracked it. And then sending my poor compassionate self a MMS of your index finger showing me a nice ZAAAAAAAA, this is pay back.

But all the banter and baiting aside I do think that you are fabulous and I am sorry ladies that I have taken this one off the market!

So now that I have completely written a long blog of randomness I must get on with some work now.

Have a PMS/CBS/Norway.J Virus free day now

Sweet Pea

P.S. Would just like to take this opportunity to welcoming Tit to the blogging world!

Great Expectations

2007-02-08T01:04:00.000+02:00

It seems there are going to be 2 little new additions to our family in roughly 6 months. This is all very exciting really. Unfortunately the one child’s surname is going to be Monk and they have named the fetus Chip. I’m guessing you have to have a sense of humour if Monk is your surname… The other child will be given, like its brother, a Norwegian name that few people can pronounce especially because they live in England. I can’t help but feel a little sorry for my pair of runts. They have 3 children and no grandchildren in the foreseeable future. Luckily there is no pressure on me as I am the bebe of the family! In fact the most my parents expect from me is to be home before the sun comes up. I do get the occasional look from my father asking me if this is the length of skirts these days, which gets him a slap on the arm from my mother saying she wore skirts much shorter than that even after they were married and till her late 20’s/early 30’s (you think he would learn after a few slaps not to comment on my wardrobe). Now my mother had had 2 children by the time she was 26 and weighed 55kgs till she had me (trust me I hear it ALL the time, I think its cause she cant use the “I was in labour for 16 hours” card) and they called her twiggy. This essentially brings to me my point of this uninspired post. (Apologies.)

Now, obviously the role of women has changed dramatically. In South Africa, women were finally recognized as adults for the first time in 1994. Before that they were deemed minors, essentially having the same official capabilities as their 10 year old children. Now we have a female vice president. (With a penchant for spending!) However the expectations are full of contradictions. Firstly a woman who wishes to be a stay at home mom, run her home and look after her children full time is seen as someone who has no ambition or independence. But a woman who values career is seen as, for lack of a better word, cold. And a women who tries to have both, is seen as a bad mother because she is not there all the time for her children and is believed to be letting someone raise them and is simply spreading herself too thin. If a woman is tough in the corporate world, she is a bitch, a ball breaker. Few people respect a woman with such a nature. However a woman who is seen a pushover is also not respected. Find a happy medium I can hear you thinking? Well when she is tough, clearly she is PMSing!
A woman is also meant to be healthy, to drink those 8 glasses of water a day, go to gym for an hour each day and prepare heart-healthy-friendly meals. A woman who has a little over-weight is seen as unattractive, but so it a woman who is too thin. Tyra Banks, one of the world’s most successful supermodels, is being criticized for being overweight!?!?!?!?! When I look at her I see a woman who is happy, healthy and successful. (And not to mention tall!) In reply she did a mag cover in a bikini, with the line “180 pounds, you call this fat?!” 180 pounds is 80kgs which seems quite heavy BUT she is over 6 foot and in that bikini looked fantastic!!!!!

Well it aint easy being a woman, but it aint easy being a man either… No one said life was a breeze and everyone around us seems to try make it harder.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Circling Vultures.

2007-02-06T11:44:00.001+02:00

It is 4am after a very long Friday night at the Hat. My feet are sore, ears ringing, a little tipsy and my really divine bed is calling my name (it’s a do not turn mattress and it hugs you when you lie in it). BUT I’m still having a whale of a time dancing around the nearly empty dance floor. Loving the space and the fan blowing in my face and hair cooling me down because it s positively boiling in this place and I have been dancing for 4 hours. Suddenly Sweet Pea rushes up to me, grabs my arm and pulls me closer to the group. She looks at me and tells me it is not a good idea to be wondering around on my own at this time in the morning. I glance around to see if I had somehow teleported to Hillbrow. No thank goodness but the scene before me is all too familiar….

A small heard of innocent and meek (k maybe not that meek or innocent) impala are having fun and playing in the centre. They are giggling and dancing, glowing a little from sweat. Around the herd are a few vultures, circling, eyeing out the prey. Occasionally one or two move in closer to get a better look, trying to get a peck at the impala. This proves unsuccessful and so the vulture moves away, back to the outer ring, circling once again waiting for a second opportunity. A metre away, slightly elevated, are more vultures. These ones are sitting, leaning on the counter staring at the frolicking impala, stalking them. Both sets of vultures drooling and eager to get a taste of the sweet impala…

The vultures, the late, drunken male party-goers, on the prowl, looking to score. The impala, the groups of girls dancing and enjoying the last few minutes of their Friday razzle. Unfortunately Sweet Pea was right, it is not safe to venture off from the herd. Stay close, safety in numbers (and also Whiteboy is there and one would think he provides some protection to his gf’s mates). The vultures that circle us now waiting to get in on the kill as most of the lions have left or are sorted for the evening. Now calling them vultures is in no way a reference to their appearance, its all about beaviour.

One has to wonder if these guys, who I’m sure are pretty decent humans before 2am, think they are actually going to come right at this late stage? Do they think that the girls on the dance floor enjoy the leering and groping? Perhaps if the girls are after the same thing but otherwise it is quite insulting. I am not there at that time because I am wanting to be the final scraps, some guy’s last chance to get some near the end of a clearly unsuccessful night. I am there because I am enjoying dancing with my mates. Do they think that a woman immediately becomes easy after 3 am? Quite honestly I could think of nothing worse than some physical contact with a STRANGE member of the opposite sex at that time of the morning. (It’s at this stage I do wish that Token wasn’t in fact a token but part of a larger group of male members.) And persistence seems to be the name of the game, if she says no now, give her 5 minutes, I might look better then, she can drink me appealing. Quite frankly I'm not about to rush around lowering my standards simply because the options are less! I really do not place that much emphasis on the importance of kissing some random as a way of validating my level of attractiveness to the opposite sex. Specially when, at this stage, the only thing the male can really tell is that you don’t have a penis!

This brings me to another thought. Why do people place such importance on the notches in their belt? Why do they base their self-esteem on such a ridiculous notion? “I kissed someone so then I must have looked good.” Some of the most beautiful girls I know are single and are, in fact, not picked up as often as their less attractive counterparts. I think this is an intimidation factor, a “she is out of my league” kind of vibe. Which I totally understand! I’m not about to hit on someone who is clearly out of my league. So from here on out the philosophy is “if I don’t get hit on then damn I must be HOT!!!” Works for me.

PLEASE NOTE
No impala were hurt in the writing of this post; unfortunately the same cannot be said for the vultures.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Life's little lessons.

2007-02-06T05:21:00.000+02:00

So I am turning 25 this year, and I thought I would write down 25 things that I have learnt. They are in no particular order and it is not necessarily one lesson a year…

Dogs do not like to be dressed up in dolls’ or baby clothes.
Never forget to take your medicine.
Personalized number plates are NOT a good idea.
Nuns should never have access to rulers.
Weekly bomb scares are unique to multi-cultural schools in Boksburg.
Going through a stop street in front of the cops is never clever.
It is embarrassing to scream in Scream 2, especially in a packed cinema.
You have been playing Doom too much when, wanting to look behind you, you physically turn around instead of moving your mouse.
It is never a good idea to walk into strangers rooms (tender age of 9) at the Kruger Park. They will be everywhere you are for the rest of the holiday, including sitting behind you on the night-drive.
It is not fun to fall out of a 20 year old land cruiser onto a rocky dirt road.
Never bite off more than you can chew.
Boys will always like their toys, even when they are over 50.
There is such a thing as too thin.
Be careful what you wish for.
If you enjoy having the photo taken, you will look good in it.
Everyone’s family is weird.
Never trust a jealous friend.
Playing kissing catchers with bright red lipstick on will annoy the boys’ mothers and get you sent home from nursery school. (So does water-fights)
Most things are slow and few things go smoothly.
Panado is not a good painkiller, the next time I take one of those it will be because I’m hungry.
You don’t want to be a peaktoosooner.
Be gentle with those you love. Never forget the importance of family and friends.
Always take the stairs.
It is never a good idea to get in between a lioness and her cubs when on foot.
Say I love you, Thank-you and sorry more.

Remain Infinitely Cute

XXX

Tits & Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-05T11:51:00.000+02:00

I have always agreed that a woman can use her assets to get somewhere - especially when dealing with men...and the greater the assets, the more she can get! Sweetpea im sure you would know - with your assets im sure u have Whiteboy running circles around you. And as much as this is a wonderful method of getting exactly what you want...it becomes less appealing when used against you!

Meet Tit - a newbie to the corporate world and still somewhat naive to this world of politics, sexual harrassment cases and men! I had been having a good run...had been there for a year, good job, good salary, awesome people...and being the newbie, loving the attention that came with it! But that all seemed to fade just as quickly as it arrived when I decided to do a friend a favour.

Enter Tits & Ass. Now Tits & Ass has been away and is currently looking for a job. She applies for 2 vacancies in my company in different departments and I think its a good idea for her to experience the place for a day.....so in she comes.......BIG MISTAKE.

I never actually thought men - okay SOME men - were that blatently and easily affected by the arrival of a hot woman. With tongues literally hanging out of their mouths, they proceeded to follow Tits & Ass around the office all day. Men I have actually never even seen or spoken to were hovering around like lovesick puppies. I actually felt quite special for about 5 minutes before, upon closer inspection, I noticed that I was actually just blending into the furniture. I could have stripped naked and they still would not have noticed me.

By the end of the day, Tits & Ass had been offered 7 different positions in my and other departments, paying triple what i earn doing something that I and my colleauges strive to get promoted to a few years down the line! WTF................ Apparently qualification and ability are no longer a requirement to get a job.....

Im telling you, its all about TITS and ASS!!!!!!!!!!! For all you unemployed white males out there, affirmative action is the least of your worries...Its the hot women you need to look out for. Although I would put money on it that given half the chance to chat one of these ladies up, you would gladly give up any position offered to you!

Granted this post is a complete generalization and there are men out there who can refrain from the intoxicating presence of a hot woman...or at least pretend to.......but the question remains:
What is it about boobs that is so paralysing to a man? To quote Julia Roberts, "They make milk, your mother has them...." so whats the big deal???

Yours in PMS/CBS day blues
Tit!

Be a Player, play the game...

2007-02-03T04:36:00.000+02:00

Ok so a few nights ago, one of Sweet Pea’s mates said to her, I’m a player, I’m not the coach. I play the game. I’m the guy that when the coach says take these pills, I take the pills. I’m just a player. Of course this lead to huge hysterics and much sport analogy the next day.
Welcome to team View United.

The Players

Firstly meet the coach. SWEET PEA. She does not participate in the game but watches from the sidelines and organizes our various games (hence the conversation with aforementioned friend). She does, however participate in friendlys. She gives the players advice on various plays and information on other teams that we may encounter. If there is any controversy, she often deals with this too. As the coach, the behaviour of her players falls on her shoulders. This is unfortunate but this is how things work, I’m afraid. She is particularly good as team coach, assisting in injury recovery and is good at damage control. She is there to build up broken spirits of players who perhaps have had a bad game or in more severe cases, a bad season. She listens to uniform suggestions with an open mind and often lets her players have full control over this area of the game although does give advice on the subject as to what is more ergonomical for game play.

Our manager, Masters, has been away for many years and has recently returned. She made brief appearances throughout the years. She, too, does not play the game and participates only in friendlys. She looks after us players, ensuring that there is no disruptive and illegal play from other teams. Her role is protective.

DOC, recently out of retirement, has made one hell of a comeback!!!! This year so far she has been awarded MPP (Most popular player). In her first few games back she scored some unbelievable goals and has wowed the crowds with her impressive skills. Her game tactics vary, making her a challenging player to mark. Her weaknesses include:
1. If opposing team players are persistent enough she eventually lets her
Defensive play down and the other team is able to score pretty easily.
2. She is not always fully aware of her surroundings and the other team are able to make a surprise goal.
3. Catholic boys from the East

Her strengths include:
1. She looks good in any uniform!
2. When she is on top form, she is a pretty untouchable player. Few players from other teams have been able to catch this player and keep up…

TIT is still nursing a strained muscle but should be returning from injury shortly. Unfortunately only time will tell as to what this player’s strengths and weaknesses are, but she does have an impeccable record and high levels of popularity. Her uniform choices are always superb and generally her game play is smooth and impressive. She has a huge fan base…. A true professional!

DELICIOUS is perhaps the highest scoring player in our league. She is without a doubt the teams best player and most successful thus far. Her game play is phenomenal and flawless!!! The team is in perpetual awe of her skills and abilities as a player. No one as managed to catch this player!

TOKEN is the only male player on the team. He has been warming the bench of late. He is the player that is sent out in the last 5minutes of the game, when members of our team are slacking a bit and manages to score an own goal. Although not good for team moral and overall premiership points, this can help an unscoring female player feel a little less useless. (Not by much though). His signature move, when he was actually performing, became known as The Lunge. This essentially involves ignoring all defensive play, players and the goal keeper, throwing caution to the wind and instead of kicking the ball into the net, actually throwing his entire body AT the net. This method proved effective for a limited period, hence the current bench-warming…

At this point I am warming the bench. It seems I got my games confused at started off playing cricket. Although the 6 is still pending final decision from 3rd Umpire. (Sweet
Pea will provide explanation as players don’t explain themselves – love ya coach)

The Game

1. Each period of the game shouldn’t last longer that half an hour without a goal or near goal. No sense in trying to get a goal through a BRICK WALL.
a. How to spot a brick wall.
i. They are attached to a buxom blonde who is less than impressed with your blue skirt.
ii. When you attempt to swop shirts for sentimental reasons and you are left holding your shirt while he is talking about his twenty year plan.
iii. His game hair is better than yours and he calls you girlfriend when commenting on your game skills.

2. It is ok to swear at others players and even throw things at them if they annoy you. It is also ok not to be receptive when being kicked a ball you don’t want from other teams.

3. It is NOT ok for the other team to play badly.

4. It is ok to run away from other players from another team.

5. There is I in the word team. No need to pass the ball if you do not have a direct shot at the goal, keep playing until you reach brick wall stage or score a goal.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

The book's cover...

2007-02-01T08:33:00.000+02:00

Its amazing how one look from a person can completely rattle you. It doesn't matter if you are feeling confident, indifferent or a bit insecure about your outfit, one up and down look from someone can make you feel utterly self-conscious and insecure....

Today I was wearing a short blue skirt, granted it is a little on the short side, but I was having some lazer and I figured a skirt was the most practical item to be wearing for various reasons. I walked into the pharmacy and greated everyone. One of the ladies that work there looked me up and down and the expression on her face made me feel like I should say something like "coffee, tea or me." Needless to say I slinked out the pharmacy as quickly as possible and rushed to the car as fast as my heels would allow. Did I really look that bad? As I drove to my appointment my mind went back to a night at Manhattan. As we had all walked in, everyone, and I mean everyone, turned and stared. Now when people say everyone looked they are usually exaggerating but this is in no way an exaggerating, EVERYONE turned and stared. I turned to my mates and one said to me "is there something wrong with us?" From that reaction, I would say one of us would have had to have a second head and a tail. For the rest of the evening I was completely self-conscious. Now the fact that it was the first time I had worn a skirt to a club EVER, in my whole 24 years of existence, didn't help. (Those who know me well and for any lengthy period know I don't do skirts and have only recently started branching out.) Good god, was it that bad!!!???!!! The insecurity followed me around all night, but I found my mojo, eventually, at 3 in the morning. We left at 4.

What amazes me is that this reaction was caused simply by a look. Now sitting here I can rationalise a little bit. Firstly I shouldn't have cared what people thought about my skirt, it has been pretty damn hot, specially in the Maneater, and skirts are cooler. Secondly people are so full of their own insecurities that they don't really take much notice of you. (Same applies to the beach, hate walking across to the sea, like everyone is staring and gasping at the size of your paunch, when actually they are sitting there worrying about their own bodies. If not, then they are in fact aghast at the one poor sole who actually wore a g-string to the beach). Jessica Alba, possibly one of the most beautiful woman around and with the most unbelievable body said she had insecurities about her body to overcome while spending so much time in bikini on a movie set.
What amazes me further is that the lady [of the look] had then commented to my sister, once I had left which lead to this babbling and afternoon insecurity session and thinking that she was a bit of a CB, that I was looking quite nice lately. *Retraction of all evil thoughts* In fact I had been unfair, assuming that she would automatically be mean.

What is stranger to me is that I am someone who believes that one of the few things we have in this world is how we treat people. People who, upon first look, were pretty darn cute, until I saw how they treated others. Its amazing how quickly their appeal vanished and were suddenly incredibly average, even unattractive, all around. This works both ways naturally. With certain people, the more I have gotten to know them, the more beautiful they have become.... The shallow Hal principle essentially. So even if you don't have the best legs or figure or face, know that if you treat others well, you are far more beautiful than the buxom blonde that looks you up and down and makes you feel insecure in your little blue skirt. (And during my reign as Miss South Africa I will continually strive for world peace).

Remain Infinitely cute...
XXX

Its a Man's World After All!!

2007-02-01T05:22:00.000+02:00

I would say that I am an independent, headstrong woman and I am all for women's lib and all that new age crap but unfortunately some things just don't change. Men still leave the toilet seat up and refuse to ask for directions. The remote? What's that, oh that thing that men refuse to share and Saturdays will forever be sport's days. Just like women will always take hours to decide on an outfit, have far too many pairs of shoes and still like to cuddle with teddies. Those things just don't change, especially the fact that women just don't know things about cars.

You would think that considering my father was in the motor industry for 30 years I would know a thing or two about cars. WRONG! I know that I would love to drive a Porsche or Ferrari one day but don't tell me to look under the bonnet and locate the thermostat or the carburetor. They are more commonly referred to in female language as the whatsa macallit and the thingy magiggy. Please a carburetor, you may as well ask me how far the sun is from the earth or what the name of those plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called (I have been told on a number of occasions).

So there I was yesterday on my way to see a client and I notice that my temperature whatsa macallit is on 0 degress. Now I am no self proclaimed mechanic but I know when it is over 30 degrees outside and your temperature thingy is saying zero there is a problem. I am almost there so I think right lets just get off the main road and to the client (which I now am late for by the way, thanks to a robot being out on William Nicol) and we will address the problem there, ie: phone dad! Now I am sitting at the robot on William Nicol about to turn into Fourways Crossing and my car cuts out. Picture the scene, me in my little car, broken down on William Nicol at 3:30 in the afternoon (start of peak hour traffic, yes that's early but when have you ever not seen traffic on William Nicol?), steam coming out my bonnet and the newspaper guy canning himself at me. Not chuffed is the nicest way to put that. NOW all the lights are flashing at me!! That I understand, flashing lights = problem, not strange readings on temperature thingys. So there I sat, people and TAXIS (have I mentioned that I hate them) hooting at me. After about 10 minutes I tried to start it again and it started. Not arguing whether it was a clever idea or not, I drove it into Fourways Crossing now 40 mins late to see my client. Screeching noises and steam vacating the bonnet marked my not so quiet and very late arrival. The client, ever the gay stereotype, clearly can not help me. So I drop the stuff off and get to the nearest petrol station. Realise how literal BP: we like to keep you moving actually is now.

Now as mentioned earlier my father was in the motor industry for the majority of his life so I obviously gave him a panicked call. But the problem is now he isn't in the industry anymore, he is now a farmer so he was in the vineyards somewhere picking his grapes for harvest. Fat load of good the wine is doing for me now! Anyway eventually get hold of him (thanks mom for missioning off to find him in his grapes) and he tells me that pouring water into a hot car is a big big no no. Oh forgot to mention that there was ZERO water in my car and it had in fact overheated. As I said before what do I know about cars. Apparently I was lucky that I didn't blow the head gasket, once again the whatawhaty? OK mild exaggeration, I do actually know that's bad but don't ask me to locate it for you.

Solution: find the nearest General Motors dealer so they can have a look for you because just because its hot and you sat in traffic doesn't mean that there should be no water, said in VERY sarcastic annoyed tone by father. So off I mosey to Williams Hunt Fourways where I think I met possibly the most decent, obliging human being every made. He sorted my problem out for me, apparently the thermostat valve thing wasn't working and the thermostat housing thingy was loose too. In other words I can now drive the car because the problem is sorted. Time now being 6:40. Happy champer is once again a polite sarcastic description of my annoyed mood.

But it did not stop there, because my father was in the industry and he so happened to own a dealership I now need to take it there because they need to check it. Did I mention that I live in Parktown, work in Sandton and the dealership is in Edenvale? So yes mission off to the Vale this morning, have to leave the baby there over night and get given a courtesy car with COURTESY CAR written all over it (yes I do realise that that is the pot calling the kettle black from someone who has their name on their number plate) and once again mission off back there to pick it up tomorrow. A good thing though, was able to sneak in a cup of coffee with her cuteness while I was that side of the world. Looking ever so cute today too by the way!

At the end of the day, there is no major damage done but one thing is for damn sure, it is a man's world after all when it comes to cars and I am not afraid to admit defeat and admit that one out loud.

I hope that you had a PMS/CBS free day now

Sweet Pea

P.S. On a completely separate note I did get up early yesterday morning and go to gym and it was hormonal gorilla free!!!!!

A true friend stabs you in the front

2007-01-31T03:50:00.000+02:00

Friend is a term that is thrown around too loosely, in my opinion. Most people have pals….. A friend is someone you can phone at 3 in morning in tears because you are having a fat day. This friend will then have no problem telling you to get a grip and to f**k off, its 3 in the morning, without offending you. A friend can tell you, in all honesty, which outfit looks nicer and in fact your bum does look fat in those pants. Now this all sounds a little harsh but one doesn’t always say these things in such a callous manner. “Why don’t you try you black skirt with that halter top” is basically saying you look nice but I have seen you look better in something else. A real friend will tell you all her beauty and weight-loss secrets because she wants you to look as hot as she does.
She is the girl who sits with you in the club bathroom for an hour while you chunda, look at your mascara smeared face, tell you that you are a beautiful girl but you look like a crack whore, and hand you her make up bag.

A friend will tell you when you are being unreasonable and irrational. She will tell you when you are blatantly wrong. BUT she will stand up for you no matter what, even when you are wrong. She can tell you are upset, just by looking at you or hearing that fake “I'm great” voice. A true friend tells you when you are being a sh*t and need to pull yourself towards yourself. She considers your feelings, no matter how silly they may seem. A true friend tells you like it is because you both know that no matter the situation, your friendship is stronger. A friend can laugh with you and cry with you, make you laugh about something that you have even been crying about. She wouldn’t say anything that she wouldn’t say to your face. She can tell you when you have hurt her and your actions are uncalled for, without being spiteful. She willing to go beyond the call of duty for you and has every right to be angry with you if you do not do the same.

If you are sick in hospital on New Years Eve she will come and ring in the new year with you, just because she knows you believe that however you spend new year is how you spend the rest of the year, and she doesn’t want you to think its gonna be sick and alone.

“A true friend knows everything about you, and still likes you”

Gorillas in the Pit

2007-01-30T08:36:00.000+02:00

What is it about men at gyms? The last two weeks I have currently changed my usual morning work outs to the evenings, having major issues waking up at 4 in the morning. Anyway I have started going to gym in the evenings after work and it seems like this time of day attracts a whole new kind of male species all together. Not only does it take you 10 minutes just to find a parking, you have to queue to use any equipment but the men are pigs. Planet Fitness are currently building a women's only section and I now understand why. I used to have a huge aversion to working out in the gorilla pit upstairs but lately I have reached the point where I actually don't really care if I am working out next to some mammoth beast of a man pushing ridiculously heavy weights while I sit there using my 5 kilo weights. However, that being said last week the aversion came back! Since when is a sweaty girl doing leg presses good looking? Do men now go to gym in the hopes of picking up a random chick?

One evening last week I was doing my usual routine but I was wearing a shirt that had my nickname on the back. Big big BIG mistake!!! This just opens the door for conversation. The best of the lot, "so if you have your nickname on the back why don't you just spare us the trouble and put your phone number underneath it". OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!, the thoughts of smacking the stupid smirk off this gorillas face with my weights were luckily held back with forced restrain on my behalf. This made me realise how much I am going to love this ladies' only gym and that I seem to have developed a mild case of rage, which is new in my life!

Another incident last week, although highly embarrassing for me, made me realise that these guys know no boundaries to their hormonal desperation. There I was using the cable push down machine and I bent over to change the weight and the little metal bar came hurtling down and knocked me on the head. Now very embarrassed, I hoped that no one had seen this, but no no another 3 male behemoths (did I mention that they hunt in packs too?) are suddenly standing around me. One with hand on my head and the others asking if "I hurt my pretty little head". I mean please give me a break, I am sweating and have just bruised my little gymming ego badly and have a bump on my head, the last thing I want is to be chatted up right now. My response was short and sweet "I'm fine thank you" and put my ipod back on full blast.

The last week and a bit of evening gymming has therefore provided me the insight into the following:
1) Ipod is an essential essential item whilst gymming
2) No name displaying clothing
3) The Ladies' only section is not as ridiculous as it seems
4) Testosterone, steroid loaded behemoths have over taken my number 1 spot on my pet hate list (and they have over taken taxis!!!!)
5) Just get up early in the morning

Have a PMS/CBS free day now

Sweet Pea

FNS

2007-01-30T03:34:00.000+02:00

Well Sweet Pea discussed the ins and outs of CBS, I thought I would have a look the opposite end of the spectrum. This would be FNS or Florence Nightingale Syndrome. So what is it about sick men that make women immediately feel the need to nurse them?!?!?!
For example, myself. Now I am not the most patient of people nor take much interest in the pathetic and incapable.
Recently a mate of mine was in a motor-cross accident and I went by to see him as he had crushed his right leg. He now has a right leg that is mostly titanium. Anyway I went to see him and I took sweets, choccies and a couple of drinks. Upon my arrival I unpacked all these away for him, got him a fresh glass of water, with ice, and we sat and chatted. I then took him to work so he could get some things to do while sitting at home. Then off to woolies to do some grocery shopping. I carried his groceries AND work stuff up the stairs for him, packed it all away and washed his few dishes that were in the sink. I didn't fluff his pillow. The worst of it was that that day I had decided to wear a white dress!! I mean REALLY?!?! Who was this woman?! Opening car doors and putting crutches in the back seat, taking the stairs one at a time and slowly, smiling sweetly and looking at him with concern every time he looked remotely uncomfy...

Are woman innately nurturing? Because that is not something I would have said I was. Or do we like the idea of having the upper hand on men in terms of physical strength, even if it is temporary? All girls like to think of their dads as invincible and always battle when they appear not to be, so why is this not the same with all men?

One thing is for sure, I am no Lady with the Lamp. In fact, I feel like breaking something myself, just so he can repay the favour.

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

CBS

2007-01-29T10:14:00.000+02:00

So Her Infinite Cuteness and I were having a vent the other day and in a joking way I said to her that we should start a blog together where we could vent all our frustrations in the hopes of dealing with issues, admin and heart break. So to my shock and horror the next day I was informed that it was set up. And well here I am writing my first post, eeeek!!!!! Me a writer? I think not but hey what the hell may as well see what its all about and give it a go.

As one of the co-founders of PMS and CBS I feel the need to elaborate on the phenomenon that is CBS, otherwise known as Crazy Bitch Syndrome. CBS tends to generally go hand in hand with PMS but unfortunately PMS is an accepted excuse for moody behavior, CBS on the other hand is a whole other form of ugly! Unfortunately I had a case of CBS two Fridays ago at the Maneater. The thing with CBS is that it is usually a direct result of increased, well in my case overboard, alcohol consumption. Too much to drink + 1 bad week + 1 comment taken in the wrong way = EXPLOSION and the poor soul that endured this case of CBS = boyfriend.

What is it with girls and admin when they are drunk? I swore that I was not one of those girls but unfortunately that night CBS reared its ugly head and I joined the ranks of probably 90% of all females. Irrational, volatile and repetitive, what a great combination to have on a night out. And to make matters worse I was there to spend the evening catching up with 2 of my mates that I hadn't seen in over a year! But no, instead I need to go on and on about an issue that was really quite non existent and well, not an issue.

I woke up the next morning with a very well deserved headache, one rightly annoyed boyfriend and a massive loser's complex. Two weeks later I still have the LC and my head is still hanging in shame. Have informed Her Infinite Cuteness if she ever sees me in one of these moods to remove me from the venue and all people as soon as possible.

To all those men out there that have ever bore the brunt of this shocking trait that us females seem to possess I sincerely apologise on behalf of all hormonal, drunk, PMSing, CBS females. Unfortunately it seems to be in our genetic make up so just head for the hills and wait for the hang over to set in in the morning!

Well folks thats all from me for now!

Here's to a PMS/CBS free day

Sweet Pea

And for anyone having a particularly blue Monday have a listen to this clip:

http://www.betterloverseminar.com/desi_wife_catches_husband.php

Thought for the day

2007-01-29T02:58:00.000+02:00

One would think that people would be nicer to the people who dispense their medicine. (just think George in desperate housewives)

Caution: All common sense gone

2007-01-28T07:43:00.000+02:00

Just saw the most hysterical thing! An advert for some car. The family is viewing fish under the sea. As you see the huge 4x4 driving out the sea, a little warning pops up at the bottom "Do not attempt to drive your car under water" LOL.... Clearly all common sense has vanished! Now I just have to remember that my coffee is hot so not to burn myself while my dog dries in the microwave. Thank goodness for warnings I might do something stupid one day...

Tacky, Tacky, Tacky

2007-01-28T05:06:00.000+02:00

So Sweet Pea seen as you missed last weekend, thought I would fill you in on the interesting details. Now I know you have heard various things but I would just like to state that the tackiness of the evening was not our responsibility (for once) and the Youngens that were present were completely to blame...

Durban came up for the weekend to get away from a va-jay-jay. (hmmm that's quite ironic, but that could just be my brain). So usual routine of setting off for the Vaal Dam occurred, pick everyone up, head off to the bottle store, and then the little list of groceries requested by Tit (She is named Tit because her breasteses are among the best in the group.) However Token and I weren't feeling very fond of the other 3 people in T2P so we left them behind at the petrol station for about half an hour, while we got our things together. We picked up the 3 unfavourables and they sorted out their booze. It seemed forgiveness came in the form of about 3 or 4 alcoholic beverages for Token and I. We eventually got on the way, drinking and singing. The booze was going down well, and Token, who I let like an idiot, was driving T2P, was the fastest drinker of all of us... We stopped at a little dive of a pub on the way, just after Meyerton, for a quick tequila.

Finally we arrived and we jumped out the car with a box full of empty bottles and all a little rowdy. The youngens were all very quick to say that baby-tit had warned them about us, and then vanished as quickly as they could. I think we made them a little nervous, cant imagine why!?

Later, after dinner and an afternoon of boozing, a brave youngen looked at us and said that with all the warnings, they were actually disappointed! Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a challenge to me! Doc and Durban were sent off to make some punch, while we explained to the youngens how to play Kings... The punch arrived and the game began. It seemed as the game progressed, the youngens fell prey to the evil punch. The punch was REVOLTING! (coastal people I tell you) but we did drink it like it was our mother's milk. Eventually, 6 of the 9 youngens had dropped like flies and only 3 remained..... Now, the queen was the Master of Anatomy card. This means that whoever draws the card has to do summin and everyone has to copy them. Last to do so had to drink. Now everyone avoiding the tall glass of punch to down, rushed to do whatever was required. The first one was drawn by a youngen who stripped off his shirt and sat there topless. And so we all followed, unfortunately, just taking a top off was not sufficient, so bras went off too.... Next card, drawn by same youngen, and everyone was naked! So us girls having a couple of things to handle didn't really have any hands. A problem that was solved by a boy on either side of the girls holding one breastes each. Now I was sitting between Token and baby-tit's boyfriend. Token held Mary-Kate and baby-tit's boy held Ashley. Something that was documented and shown to baby-tit and the rest of the youngens.

The next morning as we made our way downstairs, we received extremely disapproving looks from the youngen girls and we all sat in a little huddle around the pool, our own little circle of shame. The punishment was pretty fitting, however, as we all got terribly sun burnt and suffered from sun stroke on Monday... Ah good times.

Remain infinitely cute
xxx

An actual ad in the London Times

2007-01-28T04:58:00.000+02:00

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Cuteness PI

2007-01-26T11:32:00.000+02:00

Ok so last night the pair of runts had some awards ceremony and Im still a little skittish being in house alone after being home alone during the last robbery so I headed off to my sissy... Now my sister and I own a pharmacy, not the best business at present due to a health minister who is unable to read. Anyway we are having some serious money issues, not due to our friend Mantu, someone is robbing us blind. So we head off to pharmacy to do a little digging. Not quite the digging I had in mind it turned out! We searched the shop from top to bottom, all the little nooks and crannies, thinking like a thief would. (and let me just add, i would kick ass as a thief) We found a few slight incriminating things, enough to confirm suspicions... Then my sissy remembered some funny happenings with the rubbish and, while still in thief mode, we pieced together a clever way to get the stock out of the shop using the rubbish bags. We know this methods works as the previous thieves had used a similar method....

Now I was wearing a particularly cute outfit. Quite a retro black and white striped skirt. Its knee length and slightly flaired. Sounds arb but i love it... A white top with a little bling and glitter on and very high white stilettos. And now with our recent theory we headed down to the rubbish heap!!!! And a digging we began... Needless to say it was REVOLTING. In the centre there is a flower shop a couple of restaurants, one of them being a sushi restaurant, so please a moment of silence to ponder the grossness of this......
My sissy's best friend arrived and was hysterical at me. It is true, that I open myself up for abuse, I walk into it like Bambi in the headlights. Perhaps I should change my name to Bimbo....

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

How Embarrassing...

2007-01-26T11:11:00.000+02:00

So Wednesday the View kids headed off to Frankie’s Banana for a sneaky drinky-poo. Doc threw some riddles at us, some pretty decent, most of them annoying. We chatted about up-coming events and various happenings in our lives. Nothing too earth-shattering. The odd man trouble, work troubles and more freaken riddles!! Seen as it was a school night we had only a couple of drinks. When it was home time it took me a bit longer to get my sh*t together so the others were waiting outside to say cheers. As I walked towards the door the two 14-year-old barmen (ok gross exaggeration, they might have been 15) bid me farewell. I did my best “oh dear not more male attention, does it ever stop?!” turn and said cheers. On the rotation back my oh so “Im used to this, please hold the paparazzi back” turn was rudely interrupted by a tile sticking out ever ever ever ever so slightly and I lunged forward (no not that type of lunge). Now I didn’t land flat on my face, thank god, but the damage was done! HOW EMBARRASSING! I had a little giggle and walked out radiating nuclear heat from my face. Any colour you can think of???

Remain Infinitely Cute
XXX

Insult of note!

2007-01-26T00:49:00.002+02:00

Your head is so far up your own ass you can smell your own sh*t